Zagrajmy w crapa #64 – History Channel – Battle for the Pacific (1080p, 60fps)


NRGeek presents:
Crap games Video that you will be watching in a moment, does not aim to offend anyone. It is satire addressed to developer I am cursing in the video, if you do not like such language, please close this material now! 2016 WAR CHAOS CATACLYSMS ALIEN ATTACK Fuck~ And I don’t even ate breakfast Major Kopyto the Film
Soon or never It turns out that in previous episode I missed one level That couldn’t load… Major Kopyto will be talking about it Shot yourself in the head with Katyusha, NRbrat Yyy…oh okay, so… Last level is some kind of dickery Some store houses, some Charles Bronsnos and those guys with hydrocephalia There are boxes, barrels and a chair. You ride elevator under the ground Then you walk under ground, use stairs to get to the surface There is helicopter, two clowns are dropping in You walk to the helicopter and get most awesome outro that I have seen in my entire life end Video that you just watched was DLC Now kindly pay 10$ + tax to my account For ability to watch this awesome ending of last episode of “Crap Games” History Channel, one of the few tv channels that have some interesting shows to offer So game signed with this logo set me in positive mood Additionally logo of publisher shows up. Certain “Activision” Activision… hmmm…. Do I know this company…? Wraaaghhhh… Guys who published fuckton of Call of Duty games Together with the guys form channel about History Are publishing a game This must be mayhem…(in positive way) And so it was created “History Channel, Battle for the Pacific” Game is FPS with the story lina based in Pacific campaign There was few games form this theater Like great “Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault” or “Call of Duty: World at War” My crooked head was at peace. Guys form CoD and History Channel cannot fuck this up… no? At the beginning there are no signs of approaching catastrophe What’s more Climatic intro with scenes form second world war introduces us history and game starts cool Nice graphic, some dude is talking to us about bla… bal… Nice models of characters, well made gun models For a while I thought that… was I mistaken? I rush into battle, and first Japanese show up right around the corner Let’s pause here for a moment… Think What is the hardest game you have ever played? Probably something like this Demon Souls, Dark Souls… Where every enemy was a challenge and death was part of experience of knight running in the caves Discovery of the enemy movementsm, finding his weak spot And at last after twenty or fifty tries victorious battle Yes it can be liked…challenge. Now I will tell you that enemies in Demon or Dark Souls or Bloodborne They are all thin dicks in comparison to what you will see here… Back to action First Japanese guy, I shoot him with few full magazines, with shotgun on top But on this summer fuck it makes impression, like sandwich with bread on university student Unfortunately after two minutes of blazing with everything I got… I die with pierced skull Moment of contemplation What the fuck? I restart but this time it is similar First encountered Japanese is rolling me over like Mike Tyson would roll over Dalai Lama Moment of juicy afterthought… What the fuck… I made it third time But only because I throw grenade by mistake Grenade here is weapon of EPIC Destruction and… ULTIMATE CARNAGE But about this I will tell you later Few steps ahead my way is crossed by three Japs Like some astronomically awesome Team Drombo or Trilogy of Intergalactic Ultra Mega Carnage In panic I throw grenade under my feet… and proceed to bucket kicking Again moment of deep and accurate reflection about life What the actual fuck? Fourth time bear fruits like visit in the toilet after Mexican food By using two times GRENADES OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ Third time force of GRENADE OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ Was so incredible that it hammered Japanese into ground, as you can see documented in video and I added adequate commentary What?!? The Fuck?!? Sadly GRENADES OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ are few in numbers We have only 5 on the first stage and you cant collect additional, so after executing five ultimate carnages With five GRENADES OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ Challenge was so enormous that completing all dark souls games on highest difficulty setting with no saves and using only pad form Pegasus (Polish version of console Famicom) Is like dancing on the flowery meadow with fluffy bunny I has been attacked bu four They get into the trench, laughing at my pitiful skill, and happily shooting left and right I decided to tackle them I was shooting for quite some time and I finally manage to kill one, and right after that second and third What happened to the fourth? Well it is unknown But here god or other heavenly force helped me That’s why let’s rewind fight and watch closely Yeaaa…just unseen force cached enemy and fuck him straight into the clouds Then second, and third Basing on Michael Bay style let’s watch this again in slow motion. It turns out that authors faithful to realism of pacific battle, wished to present god interventions as well Where enemies are fucked into stratosphere, to not cumber my Holy Quest well Depraved of GRENADES OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ But with gods might at my side I resumed my fight Unfortunately I cannot say that god was always looking at me with benevolent eye Sometimes he had to intervene somewhere else Like striking Kathmandu with earthquake Or damage some plane and kill 200 people Severely but fairly So sometimes god’s might does not work But sometimes when it fucks with double power… Actually to the end of the game I couldn’t tell what calls down godly powers Some button? Some secret spell? I couldn’t tell no matter what But I have learn method of eliminating this dicks And trust me Figuring out mechanics of boss in Souls it’s small dick in comparison to what needs to be done here I have not participated in the pacific campaign, and trusting History Channel that game depicts it accurately So let me explain To every fight you must be prepared like Hacker Bonzo before hacking to Pentagon’s network Respect enemy, or else he will fuck your skull And listen carefully As you probably know every human has an aura, vital field or some shit like that It makes you invincible Only finding rupture in aura can kill you Every Japanese guy has this aura, and you need to learn how to find hole in it through witch you can shoot few balls of lead and god will fuck him into stratosphere I thin that this description is familiar to everyone, and can be find in history textbooks or lessons Now Size of the hole is 1 pixel When you find it cross hair will turn red so look carefully location of the rupture depends on yours location as well as the location of the enemy So if you fucking move a milimeter You have to start looking all over again aha And don’t look for hole on the enemy. It can be few meter sideways, near the leg, near the dick, over the head or in the clouds nobody knows it When you find it, you shoot all you got When shooting is complete, god will catch him by the head and fuck into the cosmos Rinse and repeat through whole game with every encountered adversary It is not Dark Souls, game for kids Here you give you best or die So After this long paragraph, in which I have explained you obvious thing that everyone know form History Channel or books We can proceed If you did not understood anything form my rambling, you can voice over “What the Fuck” in the next scene 3 2 1 Sometimes if the soldier cannot win the fight with earth gravity, and does not fly into the stratosphere He will hang under sky and he hangs there waving his smelly feet in the air Sometimes force is so enormous that it hammers soldier into ground and he starts to dance Game is divided into few levels. You conquer every of them long minutes or even hours Every enemy is great challenge for your patience When you see how enemy is fucked from his socks into the cumulus you will shit your pants from the joy At the beginning of every mission you will receive few GRENADES OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ But respect them like exped character in Diablo and use only in necessity GRENADE OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ makes it so, that if you throw it into the group of enemies they will just evaporate They will not fly into the ozone layer but simply disperse in air like smoke form the blunt smoked in the toilet of junior high In game you cannot run Only cowards and peasants run You, nobly stride among the bullets But that’s a trap. Sometimes soldier you need to follow is cowardly dick, and he runs. If he run too far, and you did not manage to majestically march to him. You fail the mission Realism 10/10 Difficulty 15/10 You can collect ammunition and weapons from the corpses And we shall praise you Mr. Developer for allowing of such actions to take place Because sometimes to kill one enemy you will use 180 units of ammunition Do you know how much is it? Well, a fuckton Sometimes you are out of ammo and GRENADES OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ And you cannot go anywhere because mission will end for not following the order, and Japanese are shooting from every side You have only one option left One Hide behind a tree Two duck three take out your medallion from your first communion Prepare documents evidencing your participation in Rorate coeli from last fifteen years Five Pray to Saint Marry like crazy Six Count on that someone from your squad will find hole in enemy aura and god will fuck him into nearest satellite Unfortunatley You will be using mentioned steps often really often Dicktion ultramegagalactic often Most likely dear viewer you must ask yourself now – “Did he finish this game?” How crazy, and how much gut does he have to tame this mad production And here I will answer Yes I tamed it like cowboy tames an angry bull I have finished is, smack into pieces, chew and spit on the ground After this completing Souls, seems to me like getting platinum in Hannah Monatana the Movie From the previous description it is easy to get how fucked up this game is In practice nothing works here Basic element. Shooting in first person shooter is fucked up in it’s entirety. Instead of enemies you shoot the trees to kill somebody Good graphic is a camouflage of deep seams of shit, deposited under thin veil of gameplay Any one who was in the contact with creation of this crap, should be serving to propel gallery ship on the pacific. And GRENADES OF ULTIMATE CARNAGE~♪ should be exploding their ass holes in the meantime It is fucking obvious that nobody was testing it In other case, on the first enemy they would get the idea that “Hmm is seems that something here is fucked up. Maybe we should check it?” But no Fuck testing Pack it into the box, we releasing it to the market now cocojumbo and let’s go Finally game is signed with History Channel logo and Activision is publisher Come on for fuck sake It’s like if the priest started up an abortion clinic That is preposterous

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