Your Self-Imposed Dating & Shidduch Prison

Hello. This is Shlomo Zalman Bregman from I have an important message right now for all of the singles and daters
out there who claim that they are seriously seeking a spouse. I want to tell you, and
I’m not speaking to any one person in particular, but I’m speaking to most of you out there,
most of you are in prison. And it’s a very sad thing. Most of you are behind bars and
it’s sad, because I know you, and I listen to you — when you reach out to me for advice
or direction, to mentor you, and help you, and introduce you to other quality singles,
and give you a little bit of clarity. A lot of you are behind bars in your dating life,
and it’s sad because YOU are the one who put yourself there in the first place. You
weren’t arrested. You actually walked into the county jail, walked into the cell, slammed
it shut, locked the key, and then threw away the key. You did it to yourself. And let me
explain to you how that happened for you. There’s two main self-imposed dating — or
what we call in Hebrew, a “Shidduch” — prison that you put yourself in. Prison #1: You
put these ideas into your mind as to what is acceptable for you. Exactly what you ‘need’
and require in a spouse. I have another video or two about this. Maybe I’ll link to it
after I post the video. But, you walk around probably, with a very narrow perspective as
to what could work, what is possible for you, what your future husband or wife will be like
exactly. And when you walk around with a teeny tiny, teeny tiny range of what could work
for you, don’t be surprised when you find almost no body walking planet earth who is
able to fit into that very rigid definition. So I understand — you want somebody who is Jewish,
or of a particular religion, no problem. You want somebody within a few ages, years of
you age wise, I got it. There�s certain things that are reasonable. But there’s
a lot of things that people want, and demand, and expect that are so rigid and so narrow,
you’re in trouble! I have a friend who’s in his mid-forties and he claims that he’s
been seeking his spouse and been totally interested in marriage for about 25 years, he
just can’t find “the one” he’s looking for. So, I’m his friend, and he knows what I do
via BregmanSuccess, and 1-on-1 mentoring people in dating, as a private coach, and otherwise.
I go through with him his list of requirements, and I try to tell him again and again, “Don’t
you see, my friend, it’s sooo narrow what you’re looking for. Who walking G-d’s earth could
fit into that? And even if they could, you haven’t found that person. Maybe it’s
time to expand the search terms a little bit?” “No, no, no, no, no Shlomo. Not yet. Not
yet. It’s fine. It’s fine. I’ll find it…” “I don’t know,” I told him, “You’re
behind bars, my friend. You’re in prison. You’re in your own self-imposed dating cell.
It’s time you expand a little bit, with a little wisdom, let’s get you to the finish
line.” The 2nd major self-imposed dating or Shidduch
prison that I find people put themselves in, it’s not from what they put in their mind
as to their ‘needs and requirements’ list, it’s something else. You know what it is? It’s
the expectations that they feel other people have for them, as to what is suitable and what
will pass for a spouse, and they will not allow themselves to fall for — whether to
fall in love, or to proceed towards marriage, with someone who is ostensibly a great person,
but is not going to meet the expectations of everybody else. I know people who have
told me, in confidence, they been going out for a while with somebody and she would make
a great wife, he would make an amazing husband, he will be a solid person that I could spend
the rest of my life with, she is a person who could be a foundation for a wonderful
home for children and grandchildren into the future. But why are you not proceeding with
them? You know what they tell me? In their heart of hearts, they sometimes admit that they’re
of the belief that they need to go out with somebody who is going to ‘wow’ people. That
when the dating process ends, and they finally go to the wedding and say, “Hey, look who
David, or look who Sarah, or look who Rachel finally married,” that everybody is going to
have their tongues wagging and hanging out of their mouths. Everybody is going to be
blown away by their looks, their beauty, their impressiveness. And if I marry somebody who
is a little bit shorter, a little bit heavier, a little bit this, a little bit that, yeah — I
know I guess I could be happy with them for 40, 50, 60 years, I guess, but what’s
everybody going to say?” And I want to tell you that is the formula for thinking and dating
like a loser. If you want to be happy, if you want to get
married, marry a person, find the person who makes sense for YOU. Don’t think about this
hypothetical wedding, and what everybody is going to think, and who’s going to be impressed
in the future. Some of the people that you think — or you’re going to try and impress,
they might not even come to your wedding! And even if they’re impressed or if they’re
not, how long is that going to last? It’s stupid. If you want to get married, you have
to develop some wisdom to get out of your self-imposed dating prison. Via the expectations
and demands you have for yourself that are self-imposed, and that you’re sort of self-imposing
on yourself via the perspective of others. Anyway, a lot more to say on this but it’s
not going to be a “Short & Sweet” clip anymore if I keep going, so I better stop. This is
Shlomo Zalman Bregman from Hope you will please click the red button —
whether it’s up there, or down below. Subscribe to this YouTube channel, so I can keep giving
you more great content. I encourage you to ‘Share’ this with others, so we can help them
get out of their prison as well. If you’d like to work with me in a 1-on-1 dating
capacity, simply write me an email, [email protected] Maybe we could work something out. Have a
great day. Hope you get free. Bye!

Comments 6

  • sometimes it's not about "wow". sometimes its about what we feel is a match or not. and a lot of people just arent a match for us.

    it's like nuclear weapons. all you need is one, but the right one. don't marry just to marry and then realize you made a huge mistake.

    tons of people in the BT world do this and tons of people end up divorced with kids…and with expensive battles on their hands and heartache and headache.

  • A lot of truth there!

  • So glad this video popped up in my you tube suggested list yesterday. Put so well the prison mindset and that song in the intro made me think this Rabbi gets it! Thanks Rabbi! good food for thought. I'm not in a prison so much quite the opposite I accept any Jew…which has problems in that vastness (was very very picky when dating and involved outside my faith seemed to work there) can't find Jewish dates who appreciate me now days. But look forward to figuring all this out for some success one day : )

  • I am in a prison because no one will send me a suggestion. I am seriously seeking my spouse but I can get a matchmaker to respond to an email let along set me up. Dont judge the singles so bad a lot of the problem is the matchmakers who treat people like garbage.

  • Creepy conman rabbi. Says wisdom instead of knowledge but carbon copy of that other guy ty Lopez. He even has books behind him, but they're Hebrew because he's a "rabbi". How dumb do you have to be to listen to a copy cat dummy conman? Sad to think how many people are so desperate to fall for this.

  • This should directed at Jewish women and especially the shaduchan who, while telling men that its not what on the cover that counts, are superficial judgemental people (women and those beholden to women) who pigeon hole men based on women's wishes such as size, height, appearance and age. Men's hopes and wishes don't count as much as a woman's and then they will abuse and belittle a man who will stand up for himself. It's all about the women. They tell men they are too picky to cover up for their own failures and because its easier than to exam their own prejudices.

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