YOU vs BABY YODA – Who Would Win? (Disney Star Wars Mandalorian)

Hooray, the day has finally arrived! Disney
Plus is here, the fabled Disney vault of content at last made available to the unwashed masses. But you don’t care about singing crabs or
glass slippers or thinly veiled monster erotica, you’re here for one single reason: Star Wars. You gather your friends together and plop
down on the couch, excited to finally watch a real-live Star Wars TV series. That’s right, after decades of teasing it’s
finally happened, a bonafide Star Wars TV series featuring all your favorite charac-
oh wait, no, not your favorite characters but instead brand new ones but hey, that’s
ok, it’s Star Wars and even we have to admit, Star Wars is pretty cool. So you flip on the first episode of The Mandalorian,
and bathe in Star Wars ecstasy. You can’t help but automatically click next
episode, and after that, next one as well please! It’s about halfway through the fourth episode
that it hits you though… w-t-f (actually say the letters) is going on here? No, really, what in Admiral Ackbar’s name
is actually going on in this show because you’re really not sure. There’s a guy who’s kinda cool but also basically
a huge stereotype running around with a child and… well, it’s not really clear why. Like at all. Also, a lot of the things that happen in the
plot just seem kind of… well, dumb. Steal a baby the former empire and an entire
intergalactic bounty hunter’s guild is chasing? Perfectly ok to leave it unsupervised with
some strange mechanic for two days! You turn to your friends, you need to ask
them – is this show actually good or are you just sort of being dazed by the glitz of Star
Wars, and the euphoria of having another Star Wars thing to watch? Does this show make any sense… is it…
good? That’s when your friends slowly turn to face
you, their eyes wide and pupils dilated in sheer ecstasy. There’s… something wrong with them, something
vaguely zombie-like about their demeanor. Why are you questioning the Star Wars? Why are you not enjoying the Star Wars? Sit down, watch the Star Wars with us… You feel a slow, creeping chill settle in
your spine, working its way up towards your heart. There’s something seriously wrong with your
former friends, and you watch in horror as they turn their eyes back to the tv screen,
emitting a squeal of delight- and then you spot him. There on the tv screen, adorably holding a
bowl full of soup. It’s the baby Yoda, giant adorable eyes and
big stupid ears with an oversized robe that he doesn’t really fit him. It’s him you realize, he’s to blame. Your friends, your family, the entire world
has fallen into the grip of the Baby Yoda’s adorableness. And now, nobody cares how badly written this
tv show is, all that matters is Baby Yoda. All that matters is Baby Yoda merchandise-
dolls, stickers, posters, memes… Baby Yoda is love, Baby Yoda is life. Not on your watch. You kick the door to your house down as you
storm outside, your mission clear: liberate the world of this mind-controlling monster,
and in the process make people care about quality television again. It’s time to end the Baby Yoda. So your friends and family have all fallen
under the spell of an adorable CGI fictional baby creature and now suddenly they’re defending
an objectively terrible tv show with all the fury of a Star Wars basement-dwelling fanboi
while clamoring for the opportunity to shower the tv show’s developers with millions in
merchandising dollars? How are you going to defeat this insidious
threat to good entertainment? To defeat your enemy, first you must know
your enemy. Baby Yoda has his origins in ancient history,
a time known as 1999. It was the end of the 20th century, Y2K loomed
large on the horizon but by now nobody really took it seriously. A brand new century lay ahead of us, and mankind
could leave all its sins of the last thousand years behind, wiping the slate clean and starting
all over again. We could live in peace and harmony, all races,
sexes, and sexual orientations united for the betterment of all mankind. And then George Lucas struck. The date is May 19th, 1999, and in theaters
across the United States the first Star Wars film in nearly two decades is finally upon
us. Millions of people flock to movie theaters
from coast to coast, excited to see the origin of the original trilogy as they file in to
watch Star Wars Episode I. As audiences watch in horror though, it appears. A tall, shambling humanoid figure rendered
in less-than-convincing CGI. He has huge ears that fall flat behind his
head, and speckled, inhuman gold eyes on stalks. His face looks like an ancient herbivore dinosaur,
and he has terrifyingly human-like teeth. The beast opens its mouth, children scream,
women faint. “Mee’sa Jar-Jar Binks!” You leave the theater, scared, confused, unsure
of what you just watched happen in front of your very own eyes. Startled you spot the monstrous figure again,
it’s there on a poster outside a toy shop. Wait, was that poster even there just two
and a half hours ago? No, you’re sure of it, but behind the poster
there’s more, there’s…. action figures. Collectible figures. Puzzles. Shampoo. All of it adorned with the hideous monster’s
visage! It’s only been two and a half hours and already
the world is saturated with Jar-Jar Binks merchandise. Somewhere in a high ivory tower inside Skywalker
ranch, thunder crashes as George Lucas watches the world below, his creation slowly sweeping
around the world. A lightning bolt roars as Lucas breaks out
into evil laughter- after all these years, his plan is complete. He’s made a horrible character that nobody
likes in order to make millions and millions of dollars in merchandising, and all he had
to sacrifice in return was his soul, and the artistic integrity of his films. But though Binks would go on to make Lucas
an even more rich man through merchandise sales, eventually the world would catch on
and say enough is enough, we’re done buying Jar Jar Binks lunchboxes and backpacks and
toothpaste, we demand better from our beloved Star Wars. Exposed and vulnerable, Lucas would scurry
back into his lair with an evil shriek, vowing that one day he would return and have his
revenge. One day, all the money would be his. Just you wait and see. Fast forward to fall of 2019. behind the scenes Lucas and Disney have joined
forces to become an unstoppable merchandising conglomerate. A new Star Wars product has been created,
a show targeted to all audiences, and hidden within its terrible plot and writing, an insidious
threat. This is the product of years of research and
testing by Lucasfilm and Disney’s best accountants, advertising executives, and toy designers. It is the ultimate merchandising opportunity,
and this time nobody will dare call it annoying or racist. This… is the Baby Yoda. The Baby Yoda is a member of the famous Yoda’s
species, and well, that’s about all we can tell you about your opponent because the writers
of his tv show thought that you literally needed to know nothing else about him. We believe Baby Yoda is a he, although it
could very well be a she because we don’t even know that much about him/her/it. What we do know is that it’s a force-sensitive,
like the two previous ‘Yoda characters’ in the Star Wars universe we’ve seen before. As we do get to briefly see though, Baby Yoda’s
force powers are strong, but as an infant not quite developed. Why was the Baby Yoda being hunted by the
empire? Where did he come from originally? Why would a grizzled bounty hunter threaten
the safety and financial welfare of his tribe by making an enemy out of the intergalactic
bounty hunter’s guild in order to rescue him? Who changes his diapers? These are questions we know nothing about,
because for some strange reasons the veteran writers behind The Mandalorian apparently
forgot literally every lesson of screenwriting when they penned the tv show’s first season. What we do know though is that along with
having some mildly developed force powers, the Baby Yoda seems to possess the peculiar
power of mass suggestion. In essence, this creature is somehow able
to funnel its physical adorableness into a telepathic suggestion that affects millions
of TV viewers simultaneously, making them forget that the plot of his tv show makes
no sense and appears to be written by first-year screenwriting students. Perhaps this is some extension of his ability
to manipulate the Force itself in order to make people care about a bad TV show and be
willing to spend all their money on Star Wars merchandise featuring his adorable little
face. Whatever his power, it’s clear that the only
way you’re going to snap people out of this telepathic trance is going to be to kill the
Baby Yoda- which admittedly he’s a tiny infant and should be really easy. There’s just one obstacle in your way, and
that’s The Mandalorian himself, super-creatively called, Mando. Mando is a formidable opponent, and is fiercely
protective of the Baby Yoda. Why this is though is a bit of a mystery,
as we’re supposed to believe that a single flashback to his own childhood trauma was
enough to make him turn his back on an entire intergalactic bounty hunter’s guild, threaten
the survival of his tribe which is already on the edge of extinction, and place the greatest
bounty in the sector firmly on his own head. This strange, completely irrational behavior
is perhaps further evidence of Baby Yoda’s ability to telepathically manipulate people. Mando is a very skilled gunslinger, as befits
a grizzled bounty hunter, and along with a blaster pistol and rifle that literally turns
his foes to dust, he packs probably his greatest asset: his Beskar armor. Because the TV show didn’t bother to explain
this, we’ll gladly do Lucasfilm’s job here and clue you in on the awesome properties
of this amazing armor. Firstly, Beskar is hugely important to Mandalorian
culture, something which you know, any normal tv show should’ve probably mentioned. It was designed after the Mandalorians encountered
the Jedi Knights, and is the only armor known to withstand the mighty Jedi lightsaber. Again, that’s probably something that’s insanely
cool and would’ve been fun for the audience to know. You’re welcome, Lucasfilm, we’ll gladly accept
a co-writer’s credit now. Beskar is incredibly rare though, especially
after the Great Purge brought about by the now defunct Empire which saw many Mandalorians
killed or driven into hiding. Able to stand up to light sabers and laser
blasters, it’s going to keep Mando pretty safe from any attack- though for some reason
literally every character in Star Wars keeps trying to punch him in the face while he’s
wearing a helmet made of the stuff. Need to know why that’s a dumb idea? Go punch tank armor as hard as you can and
let us know how many broken bones you’ve suffered. Now luckily for you, Mando may be a mighty
warrior, but he’s pretty dumb about… well most everything else. I mean he’s the same guy who left the most
important baby in the galaxy in the care of a stranger he just met- for two whole days! Not even Casey Anthony is that neglectful
with children. Mando is also the same guy that when he had
to take down an imperial walker and band of raiders, decided to have villagers dig a big
pit and then have them fight the raiders with wooden spears- even though the entire time
he had at his disposal a freaking starship armed with laser cannons. I guess what we’re saying here is that Mando’s
not really the brightest bulb in the shed. He’s a great shot, don’t get us wrong, but
he’s about as sharp as a hammer. So to defeat him, we don’t know, just about
any old trick should do really. Buy a Baby Yoda doll and stuff it with C-4,
then have it go off when Mando picks it up. Stiff armor is pretty bad about protecting
from the compressive forces of a concussive blast, so even in Beskar armor the C-4 blast
will turn his bones to jelly. Now there’s nothing between you and the Baby
Yoda- except for of course the millions of adoring fans who will do anything to stop
you from destroying their precious, and will defend the tv show with their last breath
completely ignoring that it is just… objectively bad, bland, and makes no sense. Maybe try showing them the original trilogy,
point out that sure the storylines are a bit derivative but the plot makes sense, the movie
informs the audience about characters and plot in a timely and entertaining manner,
and the characters themselves aren’t just one-dimensional stereotypes- they’re real,
breathing people with nuanced attitudes and beliefs! Of course, the Force- or at least Lucasfilm
and Disney’s advertising and merchandising department- is strong with the Baby Yoda,
and it’s likely that this will do nothing except enrage millions of Baby Yoda-ites who
will defend him with their dying breath. To defeat the Baby Yoda you’re going to have
to ask yourself the question: are you willing to fight your friends, your neighbors, even
your own family to the death in order to end George Lucas’ latest scourge on humanity? To what lengths are you willing to go to restore
Star Wars to the glory of good writing, stories that make sense, and characters who don’t
exist simply for the opportunity to sell toys and stuffed dolls of them? How far are you willing to go, and most importantly:
can Star Wars be saved from its own creators? You may in the end defeat the Baby Yoda and
force humanity to awake from its stupor, but Lucas will only grow stronger for it, enriched
by millions- perhaps billions in merchandising sales. In a few years, there will be a new Baby Yoda,
this one taking an even more adorable and merchandising-friendly form, and the cycle
will inevitably repeat itself all over again, getting progressively crappier and crappier
as time goes on. See, to defeat the Baby Yoda, you must defeat
his father: George Lucas himself. If you liked this video then click on this
video and start watching another right now! Or we have this other amazing video especially
picked out for you over here. Both are great, both are informative, both
are funny, but you can only watch one so choose wisely! We’ll see you next time.

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