– Have You Been Helped? – Don’t you remember, Critic? It’s me, Tamara. – Tamra… oh yeah, from the “Catwoman” review; yeah,
yeah, you were funny in that! – Thank you. – I find you socially awkward due to your disturbing
silence! – I see you have “The Wicker Man” DVD in your
possession. – Oh, uh, yeah.
– Did you know that that’s my favorite movie? – I don’t even know what your last name is, so why
would I know that? – Do you have the original or the unrated version?
– Uh, the unrated. – Oh. Good. – Why?
– No reason. Enjoy your movie. – Uh, um… thanks; I w– That was weird–AH! @#$%! Can you go that way, please? Jesus! What the hell’s going on around here– DAH! Will you get outta here please?!
DAH! Turn around and piss off– DAH! Get outta here, you little wack a mole As if this week couldn’t get any more creepy–
let’s keep it going with Nicolas Cage month! (theme music playing)
♪ I’m Nicolas Cage! ♪ Actually, I have a confession to make. I’m actually not
Nicolas Cage. I’m Nicolas Cage pretending to be a narrator who
sounds like Nicolas Cage. (maniacal laughter) By the way, I’m gonna be starring in about 26 other
movies this month. And if they ever made a live action Winnie-the-Pooh, I’d play Eeyore. Hello; I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you
don’t have to! Let’s talk about Neil LaBute! You might not recognize
his name, but you might recognize his movies. “Lakeview Terrace,” “Nurse Betty,” and probably
his most controversial: “In the Company of Men.” And, if you were like most moviegoers, this was
probably your reaction to them. His films usually have a shockingly harsh, mean-spirited
tone that many critics liked, but most audiences didn’t know how to accept. “We take a girl at a time–just some corn-fed bitch–and
then one day, out goes a rug, and us pulling it hard, she’ll be reaching for the sleeping pills within a week;
and we will laugh about this till we are very old men.” People came out of each film say, “It is piss-my-pants
uncomfortable, which I think is the film’s intent; but is the film actually any good? I think so…ish.
It’s say something…ish, that I think is beneficial…ish.” For years and years, nobody quite knew what to make
of him. That is, until the abominable remake that finally gave moviegoers clarity. That being that out of
all his films, we know quite clearly–this one is absolute shit. That remake is, of course, “Wicker Man.” Based on the British cult hit of the ’70s, the film centers around a cop brought in to investigate an abduction on an island run by a bizarre cult. The major change in this one? The island is dominated by women! Yeahhhhhh, interesting change, but ah, I’m sure the guy who a story about sexist men breaking the heart of a lonely, depressed deaf woman will clearly show no signs of misogyny here! But, why wait to find out? Let’s take a look at the burning disaster remake that is
“Wicker Man.” So as the credits roll, we naturally open up with our hero, played by Nicolas Cage. (Hallelujah Chorus added) He’s a cop who likes checking out books that I’m sure most of us will need to read after viewing this picture. He’s off doing is coply duties when he sees a kid drop her doll out the window. (motorcycle zooms by)
Jeez! I didn’t think you could make Nicolas Cage grabbing a girl’s doll actually look cool, but by God, this movie actually kinda pulled it off! (Nicolas Cage impression) In the name of Strawberry
Shortcake, you shall be avenged! (End impression) So he pulls the car over to give the child back her doll. – “We won’t let it happen again, sir.”
– “Great, thanks a lot.” – “Sweetie, stop that! I’m so sorry; she’s belted in, but–” – “Don’t worry; it comes with the territory. I’ll get it.” (Cage impression) As an officer, it’s my duty to keep my eyes peeled for any opportunity to serve and protect. Except, of course, when a giant truck is traveling on the wrong side of the road for no reason, plunging innocent civilians into a fiery ditch. For some reason I’m not very good at spotting those. (End impression) “Keep your head down!” Cage tries to save them, but the little girl’s too busy being needlessly creepy, because… that’s what kids in movies kinda did for a while. And she burns up in the fire. Cut to some time later–they never specifically say how long–as it seems Cage has a problem getting over his mistake. – “Hey.”
– “Hey.” – “So…”
– “That about sums it up.” So, um, you got a scene for me? – “Stuff helping you?”
– “You don’t have to stay; I don’t really need visitors.” Well! She added a lot! As we see Cage, gets a letter from his ex-fiancée, who apparently has Elvish penmanship, and alerts him that not only has she moved to an island called Summersisle–not only does she have a child named Rowen– not only is she probably his– not only is she now missing and she’s incredibly concerned–but she wants him to come to the island and look for her. God damn, that’s like Jesus finally writing to his father saying how he enjoyed Jerusalem *Phone Ringing in the background * – “Hey”, “Hey” So he goes to his cop friend to and get some advice, who, quite frankly, seems way too spontaneously into this, having just heard about it. – “The plot thickens. So is this like, some old girlfriend or something, this uh, Willow?” – “We were engaged.”
– “Sounds like she got kinda close with someone else, too.”
– (sigh) – “Summersisle?! … And she’s got the nerve to contact you now?! Shit. I mean, you’re gonna blow this off, right? … Why don’t you do a little digging on her first. I mean, come on. Tell her to contact the father! Give her a call!” I don’t know why; I’m just really upset about your problems right now! (phone rings) Hello? Oh, your husband’s been murdered? Well boo-f**kety-hoo! – “We need to be at that briefing in ten minutes.”
– “Okay.” – “Hey. It’s good to see ya.” Still got no scene for me? Okay. Nevertheless, Cage agrees to the case as, when traveling to the island, he can’t help but still think of the girl he let down before. Jeez! Who let the truck on the boat?! Do boats really need a sign that says “No Trucks Allowed”? If it’s a party boat, do we have to put “No Trucks Under 21 Allowed”? Ha ha! This movie’s dramatic subtlety is on part with UHF! (beeping, screaming) So he gets to the island of Summersisle–or as I like to call it, the Creepy Shire–as he comes across some scary Hobbitfolk. – “Now a complaint has been made by a resident of this island–”
– “Complaint, you say?” – “Yes ma’am, about a missing child. – “Well now, that’s always trouble.” – “What’s in the bag? A shark, or something?” – “Go on. Take a peek!” (laughter) (Cage impression) Well, nothing suspicious here. You go ahead and take your bleeding, moving, human-sized bag to wherever while you laugh maniacally. I’m gonna go see if this place has any cake. (End impression) So he walks into the middle of the Hocus Pocus 2 auditions to see if he can get any answers. – “Are you the bar maiden here, or whatever you call it?”
– “I’m Sister Beech; yes.” (snorts) What’s her name again? – “I’m Sister Beech, yes.”
(snorts) Please tell me that’s the only time we hear that name?
– “Mrs. Beech” – “Sister Beech”
– “Sister Beech”
– “Sister Beech” (sigh) There’s not enough images of slaughtered bunnies in the world to get me not to laugh at that.
– “Sister Beech”
(razzes) (comic voice) My brethren will get revenge in the hokiest, most over-the-top way possible! (end voice) – “Sorry; I’m allergic.”
So he comes across his ex-fiancée named Willow, who is quite the talent for giving all information and no information at the same time.
– “What in the hell happened to you?”
– “We were young.” – “So what?”
– “Why do we do anything?” – “I need some kind of answers.”
– “I was scared.” – “Why do this?”
– “We’re different here.” – “Was it some other guy?”
– “I wasn’t ready for this.” )Cage impression) Okay, if I give you a multiple choice between A, B, and C, will you give me a straight answer then? (end impression) (Willow impression) I choose Q. Christ (end impression) Speaking of which, Cage continues to see all sorts of strangeness on the island. Twins talking in unison, women wearing red hoods over their heads, everyone talking in scary, foreshadowing tones, Leelee Sobiesky, and oddly enough, decides not to get the @#$% outta there. But again, being Cage, maybe this all makes him feel at home.
– “Excuse me. Did someone unpack my bag?–because I’m missing some tapes.”
– “I wouldn’t know about that.” – “They’re called ‘Everything’s Okay.'”
– “Good.” ♪ “Look; there she goes; that girl is so peculiar…” ♪ Things don’t get any better when he continues to dream about the same girl he lost before. (creepy laughter) (creepy background voice): That’s not her daughter,
though! (truck horn) (Critic laughs) Again?! This thing follows his subconscious like Freddy Krueger driving the truck from “Duel”! It doesn’t get any scarier the more you show it; it just gets funnier! (truck horn, Critic laughs) Can we just get a loop of that? (truck horn repeats) (Critic laughs) And they say there’s nothing
good on the internet. But Cage thinks he sees Rowen in the garden and tries to go after her, thinking he’s narrowed her down in the barn. (person runs by)
– “Rowen?” (Cage impression) I could hear your “vroosh.” (end impression) Which is really obnoxious when you think about it. How come in a movie whenever someone passes the camera in the dark, it’s always accompanied by a “vroosh”? I mean, do people have no control over that? It’s really annoying. (jump scare whoosh)
Dah! Malcolm! – Huh?
– Can you keep your vroosh down? I was just talking about how obnoxious it is! – Sorry! It’s the new shoes. (repeated jump scare whooshes) He loses track of her and doesn’t seem to get any closer– making this scene
entirely pointless! He does, however, notice what any freaking idiot would notice the first time being there: a massive lineup of pictured girls all looking like they’re about to be sacrificed at an alter. But one picture seems to be missing. – “…our harvest festival–we have one the end of each autumn– and then the festival of fertility too, of course.”
– “What happened to last year’s?” – “Afraid it got ruined last night.” (Cage impression) Okay, let’s cut the bullshit;
we all know you’re Brian Cox in drag; just stop pretending! (end impression) So he goes to see if he can get any answers from little Leelee.
– “Hey, I mean to ask you in there, do you recognize this girl?” – (chuckles) – “Uhhh, well where’s the other woman who works here?” Noo, let’s go back to the question you just asked and clearly didn’t get an answer to: “Have you seen this little girl?” God! Do you have any policeman insight? Would you do this on any other case? – “Excuse me; have you seen this white man with glasses and a goatee?” – (creepy laugh) – “Okay, well that’s good enough for me. Alright, guys, nothin’ to see here!” Things get–imagine this–even stranger when he goes to a school that only seems to be teaching girls. – “Will you tell us what man represents in his purest form? Yes.” – “Phallic symbol, phallic symbol.” Hey, hey, HEY! As a man, I am very offended! I mean, you’re not supposed to just say it! – “School’s really changed since I was a kid.” – “How dare you stand there and frighten my children?”
Wow! Nicolas Cage is so creepy he can stare people by just standing in the same room as them? Oh, let’s be honest–none of us are surprised by that. – “Whose desk is this?” (crow caws)
– “What?!” My apologies; we are studying the textbook of lazy jump scares. Okay, chapter 2 children: walking by the camera and going “vroosh!” The more questions he asks, of course, the fewer answers he gets.
– “If Rowan Woodward existed– – “IF?! I suppose her mother is lying to me too, huh?”
– “Not lying, no. Grieving.”
– “You mean that Rowan is dead?” – “It was an accident.”
– “What kind of accident?”
– “Leave things alone, please.” – “Sister Rose, how’d she die?”
– “She’ll burn to death.” – “What did you just say?”
– “She burned to death.” So, seeing how Rowan has more inconsistent back-stories than Tommy Wiseau, Cage sets out at least to locate the body or grave, which neither Willow nor Cage thinks proves at all that she’s actually dead. – “They put it there; I didn’t.” – “Who’s they?” (crows cawing in the background) So here’s a crazy idea! He asks her to take him to the place where she last saw her! Uh, shouldn’t this have been the first friggin’ thing that he did? – “So this is where you last saw Rowen?” – “Mmm.”
– “Yeah?” – “Can you give me the details? It’s important.” (Willow impression) Sorry; I don’t operate in details. Just foreshadowing bullshit that makes for great creepy padding. (End impression) – “And you’re sure there’s no way it could be someone from off the island?” – “No.”
Well, that could be considered a clue if it wasn’t typical writing for any child stuck at school. – “Wait for me.”
So he doesn’t seem to get any closer–that is, until he thinks he sees her drowning under the dock. (thrilling music) Oh! Clearly it was just a dream– (screaming) or maybe it wasn’t; oh my
God!!! (end screaming) Nope! Just a dream.
– “God damn it!” (Cage impression) A double fake-out? Really?! We’re that desperate?! Gah! The least they could have done is at least thrown in
another truck (car horn and crash)
So he goes to ask more questions–after randomly passing by the cult of Jawas (“utini!”)–as he JUST NOW @#$%ing realizes that Rowen was the girl missing in the framed picture! Nawww, you think?! – “Why didn’t you tell me Rowen was a part of all this? Huh? The rituals!” – “Well I’m frightened of this place too.” – “Alright; I’m sorry; it doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter.” Jesus Christ; does this guy EVER use his brain?! These have gotta be some of the worst detective skills of all time! I mean how stupid do y ou have to be– shish!
– How’s the review coming, Critic?
– That’s it! Listen here ya creepy little elf on the shelf–I’m not gonna let a crazy and potentially dangerous person get in the way of my work!
– What are you gonna do? Leave? Call for backup? Bring in as many sane and rational people possible to level out this insane playing field? – No! That’d be unbelievable stupid. I’m just gonna ask obvious question after obvious question that anyone would
know in the hopes that you will give me an incredibly vague
answer that will make me more angry!
– Oh. Alright then. Go ahead. – What’s goin’ on here?!
– They would know. – Who is they?!
– They is them. – Them is they?!
– All is knowing. – Knowing is all?!
– You can’t understand that not understanding is understanding when you can’t understand. Understand.
– Your vagueness is making me angry!!!
– Then maybe I should leave. – Fine! Think I’ve utilized my detective skills long enough. Get outta here! (scary music) Whoo! Okay, so after that– Will ya get outta here?! It’s a bad day to be me. So, in keeping with his brilliant deduction skills, Cage gets absolutely no answers from anybody, so he tours the island more. He notices that the men on the island are only used for labor and are never allowed to speak. Kinda like how they treat people at Walmart. But trouble starts a-brewing when he comes across a giant farm of bees. As you remember, Cage is horribly allergic to bees. So, what to do? (buzzing) Run deeper into the farm of bees, of course! Because it’s opposite day? He gets stung too many times and passes out, but is saved by some of the workers, who dropped him off at Sister Summersisle’s home–the woman who runs the island, played by Ellen Burstyn. They go walking just outside the beehives, which Cage seems to be taking miraculously well, seeing how he nearly died from them. I’d piss my pants if I saw one on a sandwich after that! So she talks about how they honor the great goddess, and also their treatment of men on the island. – “Men are what? Second-class citizens?”
– “No! Not at all; we love our men! We’re just not subservient to them. But men are a very important part of our little colony. Breeding, ya know.” My God this island is terrible! All the men do around here is mate! And stay at home! And mate! And not have to talk to anybody! And mate! And can I vacation here? – “…the strongest, the finest, the most sturdy of our kind.” – “Female–right?” Well, when the upper body strength fairy comes to help you move a recliner, then we’ll talk! But then Cage remembers: oh yeah, the little girl thing! And brings the questions back to looking for her.
– “Perhaps it is time for you to stop bullshitting me, okay?” – “Hey, be careful.”
– “Especially when a little girl’s life is at stake–my little girl. I’m sure you’ve guessed.”
– “As a matter of fact, yes.” – “I’m only interested in the law.”
(LAWWWWW!) Now do I have permission to open the
grave of Rowen Woodward? – “Oh, I was under the impression that I’d already given it to you.”
So he gets permission to look through the grace, but all he finds is a burnt little doll. This of course gets Cage EVEN ANGRIER! – “This hers? TELL ME!!!”
– “Yeah.” – “How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED?!”
– “I–” – “HOW’D IT GET BURNED, HOW’D IT GET BURNED?!” Somebody lit it! Somebody lit it! – “Where are you going?”
– “Back to her place.” – “Then I’m coming with you!”
– “No! Willow, I mean it!”
– “But maybe if we–” – “Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.” Yes, because everything’s been going great up until now! I’d hate to see what happens if this all went down some weird, nonsensical road. (climatic music) Like, that’s a good start! Let’s see what’s behind door number two! Oh, is it weird-bee-thing-o’ clock already? And folks, that’s only the beginning of where this Tijuana car wash of insanity takes you. Including the Great Gonzo being pulled over by Cage at gunpoint!
– “Get off the bike. (gun clicks)
Step away from the bike!” (Cage impression) I have shot people over less than this! Hey, guess who I am? Da da da da da daaa daaa…
(Tune of the Wicked Witch of the West’s theme) That’s right: Monica Crawley. (end impression) – “It is him.” Huh. So that’s why the Olsen Twins don’t make public appearances anymore! (girls laughing) We were playing why-the-hell-would-we-be-laughing- except-to-create-a-not-so-creepy-environment-because- the-acting-and-storytelling-can’t-deliver-on-its-own! Now with a take-home edition! Annnnnd, now we’ve entered a kegger in Narnia. But instead of Aslan leading the party, we have… (laughing) Oh my God. – “Oh goddess of the fields, please accept our offering.” (William Wallace impression)
We may be able to take this off our resumé, but we’ll never be able to take it off our embarrassing IMDB page!
(End impression) And yes, it looks like Cage has finally had enough of this God damn island. Time to punch a “Beech” in the mouth! (Cage impression) That’s for making me think you were
Albert finney! (End impression) But little Leelee attacks, and yes, they actually do have a fight sequence together! All while Care-A-Lot is getting smashed. – (ritual music) Ya know, for the “stronger sex” island, you could teach less wimpy fighting moves. – (screaming) (mocking the screams)
Fear me; I am mighty, and…
(mocking screams) Well! Looks like Sobiesky needs to sober up-ski. (YEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! music) So he disguises himself in the bear suit Mrs. Beech was gonna wear, and he works his way into the LARP parade. (Cage impression) Help, a bear ate me; get me outta here; hahaha! No, seriously, we’re all in big trouble. (End impression) (whispering)
– “I thought told you to wait for me!” – “What do you mean? I had to come!” So Cage finally finds Rowen, who’s about to be sacrificed, and decides to save the day in one of the most surreal, unintentionally funny moments ever put to film! – “What is it; what’s wrong, sister?” – “What is it; what’s wrong, sister?” (sentimental music fades in) – Hey Critic! What are you looking at, family pictures? – No. All my old bear jokes. I’ve made so many in the past. Aw, look at this one: this is when Christopher Walken said “It’s not over–bears!” He never says anything like a human.
– (chuckles) – Oh, and here! This is from “Care Bears 2,” when Darkheart said, “Time for a game of disappearing bears.” He never says anything natural either. – (chuckles)
– Oh, and there’s Charlton Heston talking about hunting bears; there’s even Sean Connery in a bear suit!
– Wow. So many bear memories. – And yet here, Malcolm– here in “Wicker Man”–is the holy grail of bear scenes:. a moment where Nicolas Cage is in a bear suit and he punches out a woman while Ellen Braveheart watches. (sigh) There’s just– so many jokes I can do, and I don’t know which one to pick! (sigh) Maybe I should just skip the joke altogether. – Hey, don’t talk like that! You know, sometimes the more obvious the joke, the more it has to be addressed. – But which one should I do? Which one should I do?! – Tell ya what. Why don’t you do–all of them? – All of them?
– Yes! That way the public can decide which one’s best. – You know, that’s not such a bad idea. Thank you, Malcolm. Thank you for understanding my bear dilemma. – That’s what I’m here for. (music turns ominous) – Is it working? – Yes. Everything is going according to plan. Okay, so… here are my Nicolas Cage bear jokes! Waka waka, whore! Papa bear says this bitch is too conscious! Bernstein family says hi! Allow me to introduce myself; I’m [email protected]#$%-up! The Bear Necessities would like you to get
more acquainted with the ground. ♪ Gummy Bears, bouncing here and there and
in your FACE! ♪ Sister Rose, meet Brother Bear! I hear you’ve been harnessing pic-a-nic baskets! Paddington told me we should meet face to fist. ♪ Can’t get enough of that Golden Crisp;
it’s got the crunch with punch! ♪ And the number one Nicolas Cage bear joke is: Only you can prevent not your ass kicked by
Nicolas @#$%ing Cage! Play me up, Paul! (Paul Schaffer music) So Cage saves Rowen, but little does he know– she was never in any danger at all. In fact, she even runs back to her group, who welcome her with open arms. – “You have come of your own free will to keep this appointment with the Wicker Man. And now the game is over.”
– “The game of the hunter leading the hunted.” This was all part of a new reality show called @#$%ing With Cage! Next week, we’re gonna see what
happens if we make him think he’s a vampire. (“I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire!”) – “STAY BACK!”
Cage tries to fight them off, but–what do you know?
(Elmer Fudd:) No more buwwets! They break his legs, take him to a giant wicker man, and put him inside setting it ablaze. Worst burning man ever! But, it doesn’t stop there! We get one more ending where I swear James Franco and Jason Ritter are off-duty cops in a bar chatting it up. – “Check it out.”
– “Yeah.” – Hey, ya wanna hear about a role where I destroy a world’s entire future by my mere existence? – Planet of the Apes? – No; Oz the Great and Powerful!
– “Well, hello there!” *chuckles*
But then Sister Willow enters in and, presumably, it all starts over again. – “When you leave here, where are you going?” – “To my apartment.” – “When you do leave, take me with you?” *buzzing sound effect* *screaming* (comedic music added) – “BITCHES! YOU BITCHES!” And that was “Wicker Man!” What the @#%! I think it’s tryyying to be anti- feminist?–but on the other hand, Cage is kind of a shouting, idiotic jerk, as are half the other guys in the movie, so, maybe it’s the other way around showing that being chauvinistic and misogynistic will lead to your demise. But then, why do they try to make this place come off so creepy and insane? I don’t know, and in the end, I don’t care, because it’s incredibly obvious this is a giant piece of shit. I mean, this flick is so entertainingly bad; and every other second has something to laugh at in terms of how awkward it is. So, if you’re looking for a batshit insane movie that’ll have you unintentionally laughing in the isles, then this wicker-ham is for you. I’m the Nostalgia Critic!
I remember it so you don’t have to! (theme music playing) (music stops) (thrilling music) Ehhh… isn’t that usually it? – Not quite. (jumpy music) Aren’t you forgetting something, Critic? – Tamara! The hell you doin’ here; the review is over!
– There’s one famous part you forgot to mention. – The most famous part of the movie. My all-time favorite scene! – Not–
– (whispers) No. – the–
– (whispers) No! – Bees! – NO;God damn it! Everybody talks about that stupid scene! The internet has talked about that scene since the beginning of stupid scenes! We are NOT talkin’ about that stupid scene! I’m not talkin’ about that stupid scene;
you’re not talking about that stupid scene; you’re not talking about that stupid scene; we are NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT STUPID SCENE! – I thought you’d say that–which is why we’ve come to make sure that you’d follow through. – Over four million hits on YouTube, – Countless quotes in countless forums.
– It cannot be ignored.
– It is your destiny! – No.
– – The more obvious the joke, the more it has to be addressed.
– No! – – The more obvious the joke, the more it has to be addressed! – What, you think saying that in unison is somehow gonna change my mind?
– No, but–this will. – *groaning*
– Reference the bees.
– Never. – Reference the bees! – Never! (hitting, screaming) I’ll see you in hell – Ah, ya crazy bitch! Tell the rest of the Lollipop Guild I said hello! What is that? No… no, not that! Anything but that! No! No, NOOOOOO, not the memes! Not the memes! Ohhhhh, they’re everywhere! They’re all over the internet! Ohhh, they’re in my eyes! I’ve seen them so much they’re ingrained in my eyes! AHHHHHHGH!!! AHHHHHHGH!!!
AHHHHHHGH!!! AHHHHHHGH!!! Alright; alright; I’ll talk about the @#%ing bees! The irony is that the most famous scene movie–where Cage is being tortured by the bees–isn’t even in the original. It was in the unrated cut. So this moment literally is so enjoyed that it became popular despite it never getting a theatrical release. So, what is it about this moment that everybody goes nuts for? Is it the bees are so horribly CG-ed? Is it that the idea itself is so crazy? Is it that he keeps shouting “They’re in my eyes” when they’re clearly not in his eyes?
– “Oh they’re in my eyes! MY EYES!”
Well, the only conclusion I can come to why everybody loves this scene, of course, is the Cage man himself. It’s only a few seconds long, but he does his thing! Screaming at the top of his lungs, asking what something is like they’re honestly gonna tell him,
– “What is it?! What is it?!” and even shaking his head back and forth going “Blahhhhhh, blahhhhhh!” – *screaming* Perhaps it’s because it’s not just typical over-the-top–well– okay, it kind of is; but it’s also just kind of awkward! He’s not going full Cage freak-out; this is more like an 8 or a 9. If he was, his eyes would be more bulgy like they usually are. He just sorta goes halfway and then kinda gives up. Which, bizarrely enough, makes it even more over-the-top and strange. Perhaps it’s one of those instances where going big but not all the way big makes it even more awkward and memorable. And surprisingly, maybe making it the biggest moment in any Cage movie! It has its own unique blend of strange, not of this world, so- bad-it’s-good corniness, that will live on in ridiculous film history! – “Oh! No; not the bees! Not the bees! *screaming* Oh, they’re in my eyes! My eyes!” *more screaming* There! Ya happy, you crazy, obsessed @#$%? – Oh, I am. I am. – Wait! Where the hell you goin’? – Don’t you understand, Critic? The journey never ends. I must find other Nicolas Cage fans to talk about this scene. So that it may be exploited for all of eternity! – Okay, we are having a meeting about this tomorrow! – She was very persuasive! (bar music and chatter) – No, no, best Nicolas Cage movie ever–“Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.”
– You’re out of your mind, because it’s the John Woo classic “Face/Off!” Why? Because you’ve got Nicolas Cage weilding twin gold-plated desert eagles!
– He was doing that in his own mind in “Bad Lieutenant!” Plus, with dancing souls, iguanas, and fat Val Kilmer. – “Peach–I could eat a peach for
hours!” But, be that as it may, – *clearing throat* I hear you two are Nicolas Cage fans? – A touch!
– Ahhhh, bit of an understatement, honestly. – Would that mean that you would be interested in maybe doing a “Wicker Man” review in the future? Possibly for little old me? – *chuckling* – HOLD IT! – *surprised mumbling* – Okay, Arya Stark. If you think you can just leave after all the crazy shit you put me through, you got another thing coming! You are by far the craziest, nastiest, meanest, sadistic-dissest, psychotic-est-dest-dest-dest, criminally insane, unwell, mentally ill, @#$%ing obsessed nutjob I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and I am gonna do what needs to be done about it! (suspenseful music) You wanna come work for me?
My views always seem to go up whenever I’m in pain! – Yeah! Sure.
– Woohoo! (truck horn and crash) (theme music) – Hey, can’t you read?! No trucks under 21!
– Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was a 2012 Silverado. “HOW’D IT GET BURNED; HOW IT GET BURNED?!”