The Tumblr-4chan Wars


*several women screaming and shouting with varying degrees of rage* “You are fucking scum.” *more screaming* “CIS Scum” *someone freaking out* I AM LITERALLY GONNA DIE I NEED AN AMBULANCE “Shower – I’m triggered. I get in the car – I’m triggered” *war drums* [Narrator] It began with a Tumblr post. A declaration of war that read: “Join us on July 4th to celebrate our freedom and independence from racists by shutting down 4chan.” The post spread and soon, Tumblr’s army was preparing for war. First, let’s examine these two states. Tumblr: they are one of the world’s largest online armies. They are over 300 million blogs strong. And 4chan is- “Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” “Y E S!” “Look at this guy.” “We’ve got a wolf…” “Very definitely… a wolf.” [Narrator] Both sides are pretty retarded. *Ride of the Valkyries (Recorder Cover) plays* Soon, the 4th of July had arrived. As you can see here on this official map Tumblr’s infantry quickly penetrated 4chan’s territory. They published posts all over the /b/ and /pol/ boards. Puppies, selfies, and feminist memes sprung up everywhere. “We’re going to win this against the 4chan.” The assault was… extremely ineffective. After less than an hour, Tumblr decided to retreat. But this was by no means the end of the conflict. Tumblr had kicked the hornets nest. /b/ was roused and ready for a fight On mass, they headed straight for Tumblr’s homebase. “There’s been 4chan attacks.” Porn, gore, and anti-feminist memes were spread across some of the more popular tags. “Basically they can’t go on any tag because every tag is basically filled with gore.” Unprepared Tumblr users were being triggered from every direction. “Starting to get really pissed off with these 4chan idiots.” “It’s not fun, it’s actually pretty serious.” Alright, gather around, it’s time for a lesson on what not to do if you get raided: Lesson 1. Don’t spam the tags with your own selfies. Some Tumblr users thought they could compete with the spamming posts by submitting their own selfies over and over again. They soon found that 4chan sees these selfies, shopped them into hardcore porn, and then spammed them back onto the tags in greater number. Lesson 2. Don’t delete system 32. During the raids, someone pretending to be a Tumblr user posted this info-graphic. A reported 41 computers were bricked. *Windows “You fucked up” Noises™* Lesson 3. Don’t start a petition. Someone created a petition on change.org to get 4chan shut down. They managed to get about 900 signatures. So, in response, 4chan made their own petition. It managed to get about 10 times as many signatures. The only thing you can do, really, is log off and wait for it to be over. Trouble is, it took Tumblr 2 days to figure this out. In the meanwhile, casualties were enormous: 40+ hours of wasted time, 500 hurt feelings, and literally thousands of triggerings. But before we close the history books on this event, it’s time to look at one more thing: a conspiracy. It is now widely believed that /pol/… was behind the original Tumblr post that called for war. The conspiracy goes something like this: trick Tumblr into provoking /b/, have the two of them war it out, and sit back and watch the fireworks Happy 4th of July :^) “Your parents would be very ashamed.” “You do know that your not normal though, right?” “You’re not normal.” (sick burn)

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