LET ME… TELL YOU… ABOUT VIDEO GAME FEMINISM! [VINCENT PRICE “THRILLER” LAUGH] ♪♪ I know what you’re all thinking: how could it possibly cost $15,000 a month to make a documentary about a lady in a flannel shirt? I mean, look at the great production value in this short film written by Davis Aurini! [BADLY RECORDED, INDISTINCT]
No, man. You gotta get the hell outta here. HBOMBERGUY: I can’t hear them. Are they talking about the wind? It’s really windy here. “Lust in the Time of Heartache” had great production values, and it only cost $10,000 to make! “We will strive to leave all political baggage at the door and simply report the truth as we f—” [RECORD SCRATCH] “I have decided that it is best for me, and best for the project, that I terminate my working relationship with Davis Aurini. It is my right and my responsibility to terminate a director if I feel that they are not right for the project.” [GASPS] What? Firing Davis Aurini as director? But what could Davis possibly have done to deserve such a thing? It’s so unexpected that someone wouldn’t want to get along with someone who says things like this! “You’re a ni**er, and you know you’re a ni**er, and you hate yourself. But instead of looking in the mirror, you blame whitey.” But wait! The plot thickens! Davis recently put up an article of his own, called “Jordan Owen has split The Sarkeesian Effect.” Or its original title, which was hastily edited… [READING] At least, that’s what it seems like, given that the article’s URL reads… “Jordan-Owen-Absconed-Budget-Sarkeesien-Effect”? [LAUGHS]
Can you really not spell the name of the person you’re criticizing? Oh my God! This documentary’s gonna be amazing! [CLEARS THROAT] In the article, Aurini claims the problem started because Jordan Owen doesn’t know how to relate to women. What a shocking revelation! I would never have noticed Jordan Owen has a problem with women! “And I’ll tell you right now, my favorite dancer at my favorite club is Molly at Tattletale’s. Go look her up, and you’ll find out why.” And when a man who says stuff like [SPEAKING SYNCHRONOUSLY OVER VIDEO]
“women in our culture are the most dedicated sluts since the fall of Rome” thinks YOU’RE bad with women, you know there’s a problem. Aurini also did the totally adult thing and put the Skype logs of the entire breakup online for all to see. With friends like these, who needs Anita “Sarkeesien”? But to make matters worse, everyone’s favorite contributor, Davis Aurini’s super important toy skull he wants to make sure you know he has because he moves it between shots, isn’t in any of his later videos. Where’s McCarther gone? And yes, that’s its name. He named it. He gave his toy skull a name, like… like a person. [UNDER BREATH]
He fucking names his skulls, what the fuck is wrong with this guy… Could it be that he caved in to the… who thought it made him look a little silly? No, of course not. He merely substituted it for a different prop, one that far better establishes what sort of person Aurini is: A book on screenwriting 101! – [CHEAP TECHNO MUSIC]
– DAVIS AURINI: [NARRATING] “What you need is a struggle.” [JARRING, BADLY OVERDUBBED SWORD SFX] “An enemy to overcome.” [MORE BADLY OVERDUBBED SWORD SFX] – “It’s pain that defines the masculine.”
– [LOUD RUSTLING IN BACKGROUND] “It’s pain that makes us who we are. Embrace it.” Thanks, Rob Tobin! Time to fix myself a rye whiskey and head out to my car I bought with the Patreon money to record a new video. Drinking liquor in a car has never been a bad idea, right, guys? But don’t worry about Davis getting in a car accident, though, folks. He’s got it under control. He never actually drinks more than a thimbleful of the stuff in most of his videos, and just sort of pretends to drink it. The important thing is making people think you’re cool, even if you have to dress like a pirate to do it. “And let’s not forget the Jews.” Lord have mercy, let’s not forget the Jews. Get it together, guys! I mean, even MundaneMatt thinks you should do it, and he’s a geniu— wait. Is that his logo? Is— What is it with these people and skulls?! – [EXPLOSION]
– Are we the baddies? – [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
– “I have nothing against white nationalism.” Don’t worry, though. I’m sure at some point in the near future, they’ll realize how shitty and needlessly argumentative this makes them and their project look, and they’ll pretend to be friends again to try and save face— NO WAIT THAT ALREADY HAPPENED! “Owen/Aurini Productions is back in business.” [EDGY MUSIC] Oh my God, Sony Vegas editing! It’s so amazing! Reunite— Oh, it’s gone. It’s okay. We’re all friends again, honest. Can you please all un-lose all respect you ever had for this project, please? Thank you very much. “Uh, we’re in good company with this. Look up the production of the… I believe, the first Godfather movie, so we’re not alone.” [LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY] I think I’m having a heart attack! Seriously… my heart hurts. I can’t take this. He’s comparing himself to Francis Ford fucking Coppola! The apocalypse is now for me! My heart is killing me… oh, Jesus Christ! Hey, Jordan, remember that time I said, “I hope Owen realizes that he’s hitting rock bottom, that he can’t continue to go on like this, and that he makes amends and starts working on becoming a kinder, more considerate, and more responsible person”? Well, I was just kidding! Everything’s fine! Remember those times I directly compared you to Elliot fucking Rodger? AURINI: “Go watch Jordan’s video on Roosh. It’s an hour long, and it’s very tedious. But you’ll see these occasional glimpses of Elliot Rodger.” “He wound up going completely Elliot Rodgers [sic] as I was driving him to the airport…” Well, that was also just kidding! This project is fine! Well, that’s just great. Good to see the project’s back on track— the train track. To… successfully defeating basic critical theory. Cheers, guys. Seriously, that’s how much he drinks at a time. Go and check his videos. Fucking seriously. AURINI: “You know, I’m not gonna look at myself. I’m not going to improve myself. I’m not gonna try and benefit my community or grow something good and positive. No. I’m gonna blame others for my failings. And then… And then I’m going to go hurt those others and say, they deserved it. Because I’m a failure, they deserve to hurt.” [DOPEY LAUGH] Jordan Owen and Davis Aurini have worked closely together for months, and even they can’t decide if they like each other or not. Why should we trust what they have to say about a woman who they haven’t even met, who at most has made a couple of hours of video footage, and whose name they can’t even fucking spell? Guys! Guys… You look like twats. “It’s all whitey’s fault. It’s all slavery! Slavery! Even tho’ it ended 150 years ago, iz’ still holdin’ mah people down!” Overall, I’m just glad to see this little lover’s tiff is over. I mean, seriously, what restraint on the part of Jordan Owen, to still be friends with someone and work with them on a documentary after they directly compare you to Elliot Rodger, and make fun of you to the whole world, and leak Skype logs, and say you have horrible, horrible brain problems, and gaslight you. I mean… comparing someone to Elliot Rodger is the sort of shitty thing that I would do. In fact, I did do it. Does that mean we’ll be friends next? ♪♪ [DISTORTS, CUTS OFF] – I gotta get out of here.
– [CAR ENGINE STARTS] [♪ “Livin’ on a Prayer” – Bon Jovi] [MUSIC CUTS OUT] ♪♪ [DISTORTED] [OFF-KEY]
♪ Whoa, we’re halfway there ♪ Whoa, livin’ on a prayer I’m going in first gear. I’m going really fucking slow. This— this isn’t actually very good at all, seriously. I’m not even listening to music. I’m gonna dub it in post, but it’ll sound like I’m listening to music, and you’ll all think I’m cool, right? – I gotta get out of here.
– [CAR ENGINE STARTS] Fuck!