The Real Dracula (feat. Seth Rogen) – Drunk History


Hello. I’m Greg Tuculescu. And today… [laughs] Today we’re gonna talk
about Vlad the Impaler. The real man behind… Dracula.So, it’s 1447,and Vlad III
from Wallachia
is a political prisoner
in the Ottoman Empire.
And Vlad is like,
I wanna go back to my dad.
I’m a prince!
I’m an heir to the throne!
And Radu, Vlad’s brother,
is like,
I kinda like it here.I really like the salt
and sun and Memed II.
And Memed’s like,
I like you too.
And then, out of nowhere
this boyar shows up.
This nobleman.And he’s breathless,
and he’s like, Vlad!
I have bad news.
Your father is dead.
He’s dead. He was killed
by rival boyars.
And Vlad is like,I’d like to avenge
my father’s death, please.
Can you please
release me?
And they’re like,
[belches] okay.
But Radu’s gonna stay here
if that’s cool.
And Radu’s like,
yeah, I love it here.
So, um, he rides to Wallachia,kicks down the door,
and he’s like,
you ain’t gonna take away
our freedoms.
[giggles]
[loud thud] – Ohh.
Watch that head. – Oww.Anyway.
He’s like, sweet.
I’m pretty much
prince of Wallachia.
Let’s have a partaaay!And he invites
all these boyars.
He’s like, guys, let’s
[bleep] bury the hatchet.
I know you killed my father.
That’s fine.
You don’t worry–
but don’t worry about it.
You killed my dad.
That’s okay.
So the boyars are like,we’ll [bleep] do whatever
you feel like is good.
They like, drink
and have a great time.Uh…
[giggles]
And then they’re gonna leave,
and they’re like,
great, thank you so much,
but we had such a great time.
We’re gonna head out.And Vlad’s like,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut the doors.[doors slamming]All the boyars are like,
wait, what?
So, Vlad’s like,
you know what I’m gonna do?
I’m gonna take a stake
that’s like sharpened
almost to a point–
kind of.
Not to a point.
A little rounded.
And I’m gonna shove it up
your butthole.
And then I’m gonna, like,
go into your esophagus,
and then I’m gonna
stick it out your mouth.
[whispers]
I’m going to impale you.
And he does that
to 200 boyars.It’s…
[laughs]
It’s [bleep] sadistic.And he impaled
[bleep] 200 boyars.
In his court in…
[talking gibberish, laughing]Vlad is like,
call me Dracula.
So, he’s, like, going around
doing this to everybody.
He’s like, you, you look like
you’re an adulterer.
You, you look like
you’re lazy.
You, you look like
you’re a thief!
I’m gonna impale all of you!And he impales them.And he burns the whole
[bleep] town to the ground.
And there’s a German monk
there and he’s like,
[German accent]
oh, mein Gott!
He’s dipping his bread
in the blood of his victims!
Und he’s eating it![normal voice]
That’s a vampire.
He instorters…
He instorters? He ins…he…
– [sniggers]– Instills order
in Wallachia.
So, Memed is like,your brother wants
to be called “Dracula.”
And Radu’s like,
[laughs] Dracula?
That just means, like,
son of Dracul
which we both are.That’s lame.And Memed’s like,we should definitely
attack Vlad
because Vlad’s being
a super dick.
So, Memed crosses
into Wallachia
with these, like,
60,000 troops
and Dracula’s like,I get it.
I’m outnumbered.
So, I’m gonna retreat,but what I want
you guys to do–
my colonels and lieutenants
and generals and shit–
I want you to burn
[whispers] everything!
And they’re like,
all right, but we’re, like,
[bleep] up our own land.And he’s like,
yes!
[whispers]
Destroy Wallachia…
Vallachia.So, they do it.And they [bleep] up
everything.

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