The History of John Cena


Helloooooooo my dudes A few things before we begin, I had originally planned on doing a video where I fixed the painting I made last week, But there was a bit of problem. The paint was completely dry And since I’m utterly unexperienced with the different oil painting mediums, solvents, potions, moisturizers, etc I have no idea on how to dissolve the chunks of oil paint on my canvas. So, if there are any experienced oil painters watching who know how to get over this issue, I would love to hear your advice. Anyways today ladies and gents, I will be telling you all the story of my life. Now, I had the option to make this a draw my life video, but I’m in a bit of a time crunch Because of exams so I had to compromise. So what am I gonna use to tell the story then? Stock Images. That being said, let me stop rambling and let’s just get into it. It all started seventeen and a half years ago… I was in my mother’s womb and suddenly, w o o s h, my mother’s water broke. A couple hours later, I felt this intense pressure and then finally… LIGHT! I had been birthed! I was born in Rio de Janeiro Brazil on june 21st 2001 at 1:30 in the morning. My parents who, at the time, were both in the process of completing their PhDs, We’re suddenly tasked with dealing with my chaotic energy. As a baby I was definitely a handful. I was fat, nay, I was thick. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I had folds, too many to count. I would cry and eat a lot and any moment spent away from my mother was a moment I spent crying bloody murder. Sleeping was a chore for both me and my parents because I refused to go to bed. I thought it was a waste of time! (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ I mean, at the age of two weeks old, I had things to do, people to talk to, and places to go. So I had no business wasting my time with mundane activities such as sleep! I was a light bulb, permanently turned on. 。◕‿‿◕。 It was also around this time that we discoverd I had a nut allergy. When I was six months old, my parents took me to a beach right outside of Rio and my dad had the genius idea to give me some coconut water. At first I was perfectly fine, I was enjoying this novel delicacy and I was busy living my best six-month old life. However, the real terror came at night. It was 11:30 that evening when I had decided it would be cool to hold the dance party right in my crib with tiger, woody the pooh, and Eeyore. Obviously, I was successful in waking up my mom who was in my room before you could say meatloaf. She was absolutely dumbfounded by what she found. I was covered in hives. It seems like I was in the midst of having an allergic reaction, But since you’re utterly oblivious to everything when you’re six months old, I wasn’t feeling anything. I was fine! Everything was dandy. My mom on the other hand, She was on the verge of having a heart attack. She woke up my dad with frantic screaming who, upon seeing me, also started yelling. And so I was yeeted into our little motorized carriage and off to the pediatrician we went. I was poked, scratched, and scraped before they came to the conclusion that yes, I was deathly allergic to nuts. If you’re wondering, yes, I’ve never had Nutella or peanut butter flash-forward about one year Flash forward about one year later My dad was finishing up his PhD when he suddenly got a job offering in Toronto as a university professor. So he went up to spend some time there. Now Brazil and Canada are two very different countries. Brazil was and still is a heavily corrupted and dangerous place. If you find yourself in a favela, good luck buddy And I hope you have the punisher on speed dial because he’s the only one capable of saving your butt. You can’t even walk the streets with a phone in your back pocket because someone is gonna come and Swiffer swipe it from you. So when my dad found himself in Canada, let’s just say he might have experienced the rapture. I mean, streets where the traffic is not a literal death sentence, that was a novelty to him. So when my dad returned from his stay, he practically already had the immigration papers signed and his bags were packed. After another two months, Of filing papers and doing interviews, we were in the land of the Moose. At this point I was approximately the size of a large platypus and I weighed about the same as a chicken. I was already slimming down. My beer belly was quickly becoming smaller and smaller. My diet consisted of chicken, broccoli, and various other vegetables thrown into the blender to make a sister smoothie from hell. My parents were quickly getting used to the workings of this foreign land and my dad was beginning his reign of terror as a University professor. He teaches food and nutrition for all you curious birds wondering. we were living on the campus of the University Until we found somewhere to stay. By the age of four, we had moved into a regular apartment. My dad had already established himself as the supreme ruler of the health department at his university. My mom, she was busy being the dictator- I mean president of the household. Me on the other hand, I was getting ready to go on a journey. It was at this point that my academic career began. On September 9th, 2004 I walked into my new preschool playground. Decked out in my pink GAP sweat suits and needless to say I was instantly deemed the queen of the four-year-olds. I was the leader of my own cult and my disciples were constantly at my command ready to feed me grapes. The teachers- HA! I didn’t obey their orders, they obeyed mine! This was my kingdom! Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Although preschool was generally fun, I did have quite a few bumps in the road. I was bullied quite a bit, mostly because I was smaller than everyone, but don’t worry, I wasn’t really that offended. Nap time though was still a struggle for me. While everyone was blissfully asleep, I was busy staring off into the ceiling and thinking about what game I was gonna play with my Barbies once I got home. Snack time on the other hand.. -Sigh…- -lip smack- That chisel was absolutely nasty. They used to serve us these little store-bought servings of marinated fruits I just remember taking my own snack to school every single day because there was no way in hell that I was gonna eat that Devils crap. One notable thing that happened during this time though was that I broke my elbow It was a lovely Saturday morning, and I was busy eating breakfast when, all of a sudden, I decided that I was gonna be a gymnast. So, I set aside my breakfast and tried to prop myself up between the window and the sofa like so. This didn’t last four seconds though before I took a tumble And BOOM! I broke my elbow. At first, I didn’t know what was happening I was aware of a sharp pain, but I just thought I had hit my elbow hard. It was only when my dad saw that my humerus was sticking out of my joint that he knew I had broken my elbow and So I was rushed to the hospital where they put me back together again. Fun fact, I woke up during the surgery. I still remember the mast faces looking down at me. /╲/╭( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)╮/╱ But other than that, the surgery went smoothly and my elbow was fixed! Life was back to normal, for now at least. Now, as all things do, preschool came to an end and before I knew it I was off to kindergarten. For the next 12 years I would be a prisoner of an institution known as school Two months after he turned five, I began junior kindergarten at a new school. I stayed at this school until I finished grade one. Here are some of the highlights, 1. At this school we had to leave our indoor shoes there overnight so that we had them at the ready the next morning. I was not having any of this, my shoes were my personal property And it was far too emotionally attached to them to leave them there overnight. I have vivid memories of refusing to leave my Kindergarten classroom after everyone had left because I didn’t want to leave my shoes behind. I would cry and scream and my mom often have to come in to pry me off of my shoes. Number two, the hall monitor was an absolute a-hole. I remember I was in the washroom one time, doing my business, when the toilet in the stall beside me literally Exploded. There was feces all over the washroom. ಠ_ಥ Being six at the time, I started to cry (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) and the hall monitor came into the washroom and gave me a hard time for being loud! ಠOಠ I mean, are you kidding me right now? ಠ╭╮ಠ There’s literal poop on the ceiling and you’re worried about my crying! The darn woman gave me two weeks of recess detention because of this mess. ಥ_ಥ Number three, There was this rumor about an evil pig that would roam the hallways when we weren’t looking and steal our books. Me and a couple other students, we wanted to find out more so we decided to corner a teacher and interrogate her about this mysterious pig. We each got two weeks of recessed detention. Now, while I was at this school, my mom had decided to enroll me in ballet school. I mean, something had to keep this ball of chaos busy. I starred in many pieces such as the little ladybug and not gonna lie, I was pretty gracious. ~(˘▾˘~) I even got accepted to Canada’s National Ballet School at the time. Anyways, a couple months down the line, I decided that ballet was too mind-numbing for me so I quit My mom though, was pretty mad given that she did dance and gymnastics for most of her life, But my dad, my dad was really happy. He could not stand those stupid recitals and neither could I. So we overruled my mom and I stopped dancing. Back to school, needless to say this elementary school I was attending was atrocious. I hated it and it was in general a very bad school. So my mom was officially on the lookout for another Elementary school to throw me into We eventually found one that was bigger and badder than the one I was attending before. I was much happier at the school, even though it was IB, which should stand for international BS instead of International Baccalaureate. The school was really good and I made a lot of friends I was peaking and I was having a blast. I started at the school in grade two. Here are some highlights from each grade. In grade two, I wore pink every day, but still managed to convince everyone that my favorite color was purple. It was here that I also got my first taste of track and field. I was a part of the 4 by 100 meter relay. Oh, and I started playing the piano So that was fun. ˙ ͜ʟ˙ In grade 3, My mom decided t,hat if ballet wasn’t gonna work then something else would have to. It was with this knowledge that She enrolled me in competitive swimming WITHOUT my consent and I was fuming. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. It was kind of fun. I was swimming three times a week and I looked like this. It was in this year that I also developed an addiction for Webkinz, I would bring a different one to school every single day so that they could see the outside world. I was a good mom, I don’t know what else to tell you. It was also during the summer of Grade three that I started to experiment with cocaine- I mean, iMovie. My dad had just gotten an iMac and I was absolutely enthralled with this whole business of filming videos. I would film videos of me screaming and yelling and then proceeded to put so many effects on it that you couldn’t tell it was Happening anymore. In grade four, things started to get pretty spicy. Cliques began to form and kids were getting feisty I remember this one kid searched up the age that you should start dating and Google said ten years old so suddenly there are a Bunch of ten year olds trying their hand at courtship. I hated it, absolutely despised it! It girls in my class were trying to look good for their fellow 10 year olds, and I was disgusted. ( ಠ益ಠ) I mean, you’re literally ten years old. The prospect of holding hands is still mortifying. You know what happened like literally three seconds ago? You were born. You don’t need a partner. I mean look at me, I’m only gonna lose my virginity after I have kids so. Grade five was easily my best elementary year. I had a super dope teacher and I was starting to really enjoy science. Although I was much happier, something pretty terrible happened to me during this time… -Insert scream here- For reasons still unknown to me, a demon possessed my parents and they enrolled me in Kumaon. They felt as if I was not getting Enough practice at school. So I was thrust into the Kumaon Math program. Was I okay with this? Hell no, but when you’re 11 years old, you really have no other option than to shut up and bow down to your parents. So for the next six years, I mindlessly completed those little four-page booklets while simultaneously wanting to cashews myself. I even have the massive example books to prove it, but that’s getting ahead of the program, back to elementary school. Grade six began and It was honestly pretty smooth. I was still swimming competitively and my practices are starting to ramp up I was swimming five times a week. Also, It was at this time that I decided to live on the wild side So I decided to make an Instagram account without my parents knowing. Now mind you I had never once been on social media So I didn’t know how it worked. This went on secretly for maybe six months before my mom found out. Obviously, She immediately made me delete it. later that year, I graduated elementary school with this dress from Abercrombie kids. And before I knew it, I was whisked off to junior high school. Now junior high school was probably the worst time of my life So I’m not gonna spend much time on it. All you have to know is that I was bullied a lot But what made it different from elementary school was the fact that it had gone to the online world, if you know what I mean. I didn’t know how to deal with this. So I felt angry all the time. While all of this was happening, I was swimming nine times per week, still working away at Kumaon, Which only got harder as I advanced through the levels, training for school cross country with my dad, and trying to keep my marks up At an IB school. I mean, I still got through it. The bullying eventually stops, I was still on the honor roll, and I was still running and swimming well, but it was really tough anyways I’m not gonna sit here and ask for pity because I’m over it and I hate it when people talk about their bullying Experiences as if that makes you instantly entitled to sympathy. So moving on, probably the only good thing that came out of this experience Was the fact that I started watching YouTube. I know, cliche. At the time I would only watch PewDiePie. I also turned into a bit of a bookworm, but that’s besides the point. This is where things got a lot better. In grade 9, I started to take cross-country and track and field more seriously, which led me to ultimately quit swimming for running. I took my first ever art class at school which proved to be extremely fun Even though I had no idea what I was doing, and to be honest, I still don’t. I read the entirety of the Harry Potter series in two months And at the time my favorite song was outside by Calvin Harris. What I was thinking, I have no idea. At this point, though I was not watching YouTube that often anymore because I didn’t have the time. In grade ten, I started running full-time if you will. No longer a swimmer, I was running with a team and I was having a blast. However, I discovered that I was incredibly prone to injuries since six months into training, I got my first ever stress fracture. It was at the end of grade 10 that I also finished the entire Kumaon math program. My brain was fry, but it did make high school math much easier. I also discovered tame impala and let me say my life has never been the same since. Grade 11 came around I was still at My prime! I started to really enjoy physics in math, but still hated English with a burning passion of a thousand suns. I also won two offset gold medals for swimming and I still don’t even know how that happened, but whatever. One bad thing Did happen though, my Achilles tendon decided to end it all. Right before track season, We were on the indoor track running a fun tempo workout when, all of a sudden, my Achilles tendon felt like it was on fire! And that was it, there went my track season. So, as most of you know while I was injured I decided to make this YouTube channel in order to not go absolutely insane without running and Now we’re here! Let me just say this, as mentioned before, I had never really watched YouTube that often. Sure, I watched PewDiePie from time to time, but other than that, I would discover creators quickly and then stop watching them after maybe two months. So this is something that I never thought I would be doing. My family values education above all else So YouTube seems completely out of the picture. I’d never even had social media. Well, except for that one time in grade six. So I truly have no business being on the Internet, But lo and behold I have created a mess, a mess that you guys are subscribed to and one that has brought me endless fun. “So where does this leave me now?” You may be wondering. Well, at the moment, I’m in the middle of my final year of high school. Yes, senioritis is hitting me very hard and I’m getting ready to study physics next year in Toronto. Am I running at the moment? No, why? Let’s say it together everyone! Because I’m injured ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪ and my friends, do I have any? That’s funny, My parents are my best friends and you guys, but that’s besides the point. In conclusion Ladies and gentlemen I hope you enjoyed this video. I hope it answered all the questions you had with respect to who I am. If you stayed until the end, Thank you so much. I love you guys more than you could imagine and I will see you in the next one. ༼つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

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