The Greatest Art Heist in History (feat. Martin Starr & Brett Gelman) – Drunk History


– A TON OF HISTORY HERE. YOU’RE GONNA WALK
THE RED LINE, THE NORTH END…
– YOU’RE BEING BORING. – AND SEE
THE HISTORICAL STUFF. – SO THE DAY WAS–
– ERIN’LL TELL THE STORY. – YEAH, I’M GOOD AT THAT PART,
MICHAEL. – ARE YOU GUYS MARRIED?
– YES. both: WE ARE.
– THREE YEARS. – NO ONE CAN TELL. SO AT THE, UM,
ISABEL GARDNER– – THE ISABELLA STEWART GARDNER
MUSEUM… – MUSEUM. – WHICH–A FEW BLOCKS AWAY
FROM WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW. – YEAH, ISABELLA’S
A VERY ECCENTRIC WOMAN. SHE WAS SORT OF LIKE,
I’M GONNA WEAR A HEADBAND WHEN NO WOMEN WEAR HEADBANDS. AND SHE THOUGHT THAT,
[bleep] LIFE, I’M GOING TO DO
SOMETHING AWESOME. AND SO SHE BUILT THIS MUSEUM. I MEAN, SHE HAD, LIKE,
THOUSANDS OF PIECES OF ART THAT WERE
FROM THESE MOST “EXTRENSIVE,” LIKE, PLACES OF WORLD. SO DO YOU WANT ME
TO GO TO 1990? [classical music] ♪ ♪ WELL, THE STORY “PERLEADS” THAT, UH,
THERE WAS TWO GENTLEMEN, UM, THAT WERE DRESSED
AS POLICE OFFICERS THAT WENT TO THE BUILDING
OF ISABELLA STEWART. THEY RANG THE DOORBELL, AND THEY SAID, UM, THERE IS A DISTURBANCE
OF TEENAGERS WE HEARD AROUND THE BUILDING. WE JUST WANNA MAKE SURE
THAT EVERYTHING’S OKAY. THE SECURITY GUARD SAID, WELL, I’M NOT REALLY
SUPPOSED TO ALLOW ANYONE IN, BUT I WILL, LIKE, ALLOW THIS
BECAUSE YOU’RE POLICE OFFICERS. WHICH IS INSANE! AND HE SAID,
MR. BA-BA-BA-BA, THERE’S A WARRANT OUT
FOR YOUR ARREST. YOU’RE UNDER ARREST
FOR THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. AND HE WAS, LIKE, SO [bleep] THAT HE WAS LIKE,
OKAY, LIKE… SOMETHING’S HAPPENING. SO I GOTTA, LIKE, KINDA SAY,
HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON? SO HE MOVED. AND AS SOON AS HE MOVED,
THEY– BOOM, BOOM, BOOM–
TACKLED HIM. WHAT WAS SO CRAZY WAS– OKAY, SO THEY, LIKE, CALLED
THE OTHER GUY ON SECURITY. HE–THEY HAD HIM
CALL ON SECURITY AND SAY, YOU–YOU NEED TO COME DOWN HERE.
SOMETHING’S HAPPENING, LIKE– [ominous music] ♪ ♪ SO THEY TAPED HIM UP,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. DUCT TAPED THEIR MOUTHS. THEY REALIZED THAT ISABEL
WAS SO SMART IN HER TIME THAT SHE, LIKE,
LITERALLY, LIKE, SECURED THE ART
TO THE WALL. THEY PANICKED!
THEY PANICKED! THEY PANICKED! OH, [bleep].
WE GOTTA GET OUTTA THERE. SO WHAT WAS
EVEN CRAZIER WAS, THEY TOOK A KNIFE
AND JUST WENT LIKE, [bleep] YOU! LIKE, BOOM, BOOM,
BOOM, BOOM! CRAZY, YOU KNOW? LIKE, THEY WERE JUST LIKE,
[bleep] IT. THEY WERE LIKE IDIOTS. THEY CUT IT OUT! AND WERE LIKE,
OH, LET’S ROLL IT OUT AND SELL IT ON, LIKE,
CANAL STREET IN NEW YORK. – LIKE, THEY TOOK OUT
RAZOR BLADES? – YEAH, SO [bleep], LIKE– – CUT THE ART OFF. – LIKE…
THUG, LIKE, NATION. SO THESE GUYS GO THROUGH. THEY STEAL, LIKE, HUNDREDS
AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF ART. SO THIS FBI GUY CAME IN, AND PEOPLE REPORTED THESE GUYS
WERE, LIKE, AROUND 35 YEARS OLD, LIKE, 5′, LIKE, 10″. LIKE, THESE POLICEMEN
THAT GOT IN THIS CAR– IT’S INSANE,
LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, IT’S CRAZY. AND HE’S LIKE,
I’VE SEEN REMBRANDTS APPEAR AT THESE CHINESE RESTAURANTS
IN THE BATHROOM BEFORE. OR, I’VE BEEN IN PARIS, WHERE I’VE BEEN
IN THIS UNDERGROUND TUNNEL, AND THERE’S BEEN
A PICTURE OF MONET. SO WHAT WAS EVEN CRAZIER WAS EVERY LEAD WAS DEAD,
DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. AND HE WAS JUST LIKE, I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED
SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I HAVE NEVER… LIKE, EVER IN MY LIFE
NOT BEEN ABLE TO FOLLOW UP. ‘CAUSE HE USED TO BE–
HE WORKED FOR THE FBI. HE WORKED
IN THE ART THEFT SITUATION. THE ART HAS NEVER RESURFACED,
EVER, IN ITS TIME. AND WHICH IS SO RARE
THAT, LIKE– – 22 YEARS,
WITH A $5-MILLION REWARD. – SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE,
IN SOME SOUTHIE PLACE IS HOLDING THAT REMBRANDT
UP IN SOME FRAME SOMEWHERE. AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENING. THEY WERE EITHER IDIOTS,
THEY WERE CON MEN, THEY WERE JUST [bleep] STUPID, OR THEY WERE BRILLIANT, BUT THEY NEVER MADE IT
TO THE FOURTH FLOOR. BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE
ALL THE EXPENSIVE ART WAS.

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