The Great iPhone Massacre


The new iPhone XD. The future of mobile. Hi. I’m Steve Jobs and I’ve come back from a cold, dark grave to tell you about our latest innovation. But… Just before I show you this new phone:
I want to tell you a story. It begins in 2013, and
we had just released the new iOS 7. It was a proud moment
for us and it all went off without a hitch. That is, until 4chan had an idea. “A bogus ad that could cost you
hundreds of dollars.” They started spreading rumors that the software upgrade made your phone waterproof. And they even started making
marketing materials that looked like ours. According to these ads,
advanced algorithms in the new iOS allowed the phone to detect
when water was touching the circuitry. This would then trigger
an automatic disconnect of the battery. Of course; this doesn’t make any sense. But that didn’t stop our customers
from trying it anyway. There were a number of news stories. “What I did not do however – was then
drop my phone into a bowl of water. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about others.” “So how close would you get
your cellphone to the water? Well…” “All right Tony.” “It’s not funny.” Thank god we don’t offer
warranty on water damage. A year later; in September 2014
we were excited to release the new iOS 8. Well it turned out that 4chan
had also been planning to release a new feature. Apple Wave They made another marketing campaign that claimed even more sophisticated algorithms that allowed the new iphone battery to be charged by simply popping the thing in the microwave for two minutes on high. They claimed that the RF transmitter which is used to connect to the radio towers could be used to absorb the microwaves and send them straight down to the battery. People really did this
by the way. And the news picked up on it too. “Yeah, don’t put your phone in a microwave,
don’t put your phone in a toilet. I mean… Come on this… a lot of these things
seem they should be common sense.” “Charge your phone in the microwave feature.” “Just to be clear: don’t ever, ever do that.” Now it’s hard to know for sure
which of these tweets are real or hoaxes. And some of the news reports claimed
that no one actually tried this at all. Ryan says most people haven’t fallen – or at least admitted to have fallen for the destructive ploy. However these pitiable cries
on the Apple forums say otherwise. “What can I do if I microwave my phone?” “Help!
iPhone put in microwave and not working now.” “I know it’s stupid but
I put my phone in the microwave.” “Ok. Let’s say I stuck my phone in the microwave.”
I fell for the ‘microwave your phone and it will charge.'” DROP IT *Chimbirs* “I’m stupid please help.” And even the LAPD had to issue a warning after receiving a large number of distressed phone calls. How they were able to call the police I haven’t quite figured out. Now the next campaign started
only a few days later. On the iPhone 6 we decided to
use an aluminium chassis. It was cheaper. Lighter and it looked very nice. But yes, you could also bend the hell out of it “The iPhone 6+ bends…
a lot.” So all our hipster customers with their skinny jeans were discovering a nice ass curve in their new phone. Thus, #Bendgate was born. Some other brands took the
opportunity to take the piss. Our twitter got flooded
with the same bad accessory joke. To prevent damage: we needed you
to be more delicate with your phones. Or just buy a case. But instead, 4chan was there to make
another marketing campaign. They decided that Bend wasn’t a bug, It was a feature. and people were encouraged to bend until their screen popped right out. And you did. The next two years passed without
much happening. But then, in 2016
we released the new iPhone 7. And courageously,
“Courage!” It featured no headphone jack. But one youtuber – TechRax. Decided to tell people otherwise. “Hidden inside your iPhone 7
is a 3.5 mm audio jack.” And apparently, all you had to do…
was drill for it. Article after article
about people drilling into their phones. But we’re just scratching the thin veneer
of dumbassery. There was a bug that bricked your phone permamently if you set the date to January 1st 1970. “It ends up with a time before
January 1st 1970. Which should just be a negative integer. Except it’s not. It’s wrapped up all the way round giving you a date twenty times longer than the expected lifespan of the universe.” So some idiot made a campaign there too. Big lines at the genius bar that week. But there’s one last thing:
we put a tiny seam in the side of your iPhone 6. So that it pulled out your hair every time
you put your phone up to your face. I made that design decision. I thought it was funny. And all of this brings us
to today and your new iPhone. This is it. This is what you get. No more nice things. You can drown it. You can microwave it. You can drill it. And you can bend it. And it will still pull out some of your hair. Does it work? NO! But it’s what you deserve. Fuck you, stupids, I’m going back to my tomb… Available in three hard drive sizes: 12 MB, 13 MB and 128 GB. 100k subs. Woohoo. Also I’m starting a second channel. Internet Historian Research. For the things that don’t make the final cut. For example. Pool is closed. There is HIV AIDS in the pool. Also stingrays. Which also have AIDS. DESUDESUDESUDESUDESU So the little avatar would walk up to your avatar and say… Yeah… and say “Hello I’m grabbing your breasts. I’m doing this to you. I’m having sex with you and now I’m leaving you.” ♫ Hitler did nothing wroooooooong! ♫

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