The Bikelock Fugitive of Berkeley


April 15th, lest we forget. Was one of the biggest PvP battles in recent history. Redpill Alliance vs. ANTIFA Horde. Outside of the battlefield, GMs and mods stood around doing nothing. So here’s the scene. Elven Warlock, Gypsy Spec She attempts ‘Snatch’, MISS Female Pandaren Monk steps in she uses ‘Light Slapping’, it’s VERY INEFFECTIVE This neutral NPC, Sean is keeping everyone calm, there will be no fight today. but then… a Rogue comes forward! He pops out of stealth, BOOM! CHEAP SHOT! 900 Critical Damage and stunned for two seconds. That’s a nice mace, check that out. Oh yeah, Level 90 Bike Lock +40 Strength with a 50% Proc Bleed Enchant The Rogue uses ‘Vanish’ and slinks back into the crowd. Sean is seriously hurt, he finds a priest in time but he needs a trip to the hospital and several stitches. Jokes aside, this is ASSAULT with a DEADLY WEAPON. This guy should be… (YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH) I’m sorry 🙁 The masked man, presumably after finding that his bike was stolen, walked home that night. He slipped into his comfy bed, and after a hard day smashing the fash, slipped into a deep sleep. But when he woke up in the morning, something was off. His phone was going absolutely bananas. During the night, /pol/ was working busily, They saw what had happened and they were outraged by it! (REEEEEEEE) They unholstered their autism and aimed at squarely at the masked man. They broke down every bit of footage they could. (♫ Living in the Sunlight – Tiny Tim ♫) They compiled it all, They found this man who matched EVERY detail. Shoes, MATCH, Eyes, (Let’s enhance them) Blue, MATCH Glasses, MATCH Height, approximately 15 Starbucks Ventis That’s a match! (lol) They started superimposing his face to confirm, MATCH They used facial recognition software, MATCH and then THIS footage surfaced…where his MASK slipped off. (ANTIFA disguise GONE WRONG!) BINGO! (Weaponized autism works again!) Next they would start compiling information, his social media, address, phone number, employment. Turns out he’s a teacher’s assistant at a local univsersity, specialising in ETHICS and MORAL PHILOSOPHY. (Irony) Bike Lock Guy: Uhh the state has an analogy of how we can do justice. All of this information was forwarded to the police, employers were contacted. The employers made a statement, then they scrubbed his name from their staff profiles. By now he was getting spooked, he went silent on social media and into hiding. Major publications follow up and start printing his name, Wanted posters went up, and citizens were reporting sightings. But to date he is still on the run. So for now, he’s just another name to add to /pol/’s new ANTIFA database. [Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater Theme starts to play.] Hey, yeah it’s me Okay so I just got off the phone with ANTIFA, they said we can join, but they said we can join but we need to bring our own bike locks. Are you in? Yeah that sounds good, we’ll bring everyone. Yeah sounds good. See you soon. [Snake Eater continues to play.]

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