Today we explore the mind of Kurt Eichenwald the prolific author and hentai connoisseur. It begins on December 15th, Handsome man, Tucker Carlson hosts Kurt on his show. Kurt was publishing some nonsense on Twitter, and Tucker asks him… “what the f*ck, dude?” [Kurt]: I mean Tucker [Kurt]: You are- Look, you’re not fooling anybody. [Tucker]: THIS IS A LITTLE NUTTY! I GOTTA BE HONEST! [Tucker]: OKAY!
[Kurt]: And I can sit here and I can read them to you [Tucker]: I appreciate it.
[Kurt]: one at a time, and we can talk about what YOU have to say. [Tucker]: That’s pretty good. [Tucker]: Okay I think you’re humiliating yourself.
[Kurt]: So let’s go to- [Tucker]: This is performance art, I’ve never had an interview like this in my life! Before he even left the studio, he was being roasted on Twitter. Then one user, by the alias ‘jew_goldstein’, sent him this Twitter. I won’t show the animated version, but it just flashes in different colors. Now, Kurt says he’s epileptic. So when he saw this tweet, he thought the best thing to do would be to hit ‘play’. Now Kurt’s wife is a prudent woman. So when she sees him writhing around on the floor, she sends out a tweet to Mr. Goldstein… to let him know he’s in BIG TROUBLE. Then she checks her Instagram, and her matches on Tinder, and then finally calls 911. A day later and Kurt is back and ready for a fight. He’s going to sue whoever this Mr. Goldstein is. First, he subpoenas Twitter. [Guy in crowd]: WOOOOOOO! [Kurt uses SUBPOENA!] [It’s not very effective] Then the FBI gets involved… and within a couple of weeks, they have their man. It’s John Rivello, a 29-year-old war veteran. and now this ‘joke tweet’ has him looking at 10 YEARS in prison. Kurt’s a real trooper about his epilepsy though. His lawyer said that it took him “several weeks” before he was speaking properly. and yet here he was, just three days later, on ABC’s primetime. He isn’t showing any medical proof of the incident either. Check out his YouTube channel. Can you believe he edited this whole thing with his eyes closed? Many epilepics aren’t able to drive either because of the flashing lights. But not Kurt, he loves the open road. A couple of months pass and Kurt is producing more fake news and he posts THIS tweet. Shocking, right? Look at THAT. B-Chiku He was looking at japanese anime ladies. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) [Tucker]: And it was a link to hardcore japanese cartoon pornography. It exists and it’s every bit as creepy as it sounds. The Internet ERUPTED. Here’s a little sample from the literature. And then they have sex and it’s pretty graphic. But instead of just admitting he’s a weeb, he tries to get out of it with an even weirder excuse. “No I swear, I don’t love 2D titties…” “I was just looking at tentacle porn with my KIDS…” ಠ_ಠ “to show my wife.” [Tucker]: Well of course, it’s just another afternoon of surfing the Internet for hardcore porn with YOUR KIDS. Makes sense. Except the problem is B-Chiku DOESN’T HAVE any tentacle porn. He claims it was too difficult to find. So let’s test that. Alright, and we type it into Google. and there’s about 8 links, okay what about the images… Yep, every one of those is an affront to God. And with that, Kurt cemented his place in Internet History… as the guy who faps to Hentai. [Mom]: Oh It’s alright, we all have feelings like this sometimes. I’m just glad you’re doing this in the privacy of your OWN ROOM. And when he inevitably dies from smacking his head on a table corner after another fake seizure… he can be proud to know that the thing he is known most for above all else… is his fondness for sexy cartoons.