Purgatony Episode 01 – History’s Greatest Monster


(elevator dings) – [Tony] Oh okay here we go. – Tony? Tony Purgatelli? Hold that elevator buddy. – Don’t, Chad Bradley,
please, whatever you do, don’t ask me about– – How about that memo? – About the memo, that’s right. Okay. – That’s the one. Do you think it was about you? – Yeah, I don’t know Chad Bradley, could have been about anyone, you know? It could have been about you! – (laughs) No way my man. CB is far too tight with the boss man to make him write a vaguely worded, super threatening memo like that. – Yeah, yeah I see what you
mean Chad Bradley, I, uh– – What do you think he meant
by “severe consequences if performance doesn’t improve?” – Yeah I don’t know Chad Bradley, it’s pretty fucking scary. – I figured you would know, since it seems like it’s about you. – Yeah well it might not
been about me Chad Bradley! Could have been, oh God. – Hey, hey Tony. – Yeah? – If you wanna get serious
about improving performance. – Yeah? (slurps coffee) – Ah, you know what to do right? – Follow CB’s top– – Follow CB’s top three, rules that is. Number one: always do your best. Number two: your best isn’t good enough, do my best! Number three: My best is
a wholly unrealistic goal to set for yourself, so just
try and settle for your best and drink a ton of coffee to make up the difference. (laughs) (elevator dings)
– Okay Tony. – Okay Chad Bradley, that’s good, that’s enough from you
okay, I’ve gotta go, bye. D’oh God, it was about
me, the whole thing. It was so specifically
vague, it had to be about me! – Hey Tony, did you see that memo? Do you think it was about you? – No I don’t think it was, I think it was probably about you maybe! – Oh I don’t think so,
because I’ve been following CB’s top three. – Tony, that memo! – Better get that coffee, Tony. – Do the CB top three. – [Together] Rules, that is! – Coffee, coffee, coffee.
– Memo, memo, coffee. – Memo, memo, memo!
– Coffee, coffee, memo. – I think that thing was about Tony. – Definitely about Tony.
– Definitely about him. – Yeah I’m pretty sure. – Who else would it be? – Okay, all right, here
we go, next client. (zapping) – Whoa, what’s going on? Where am I? – Hello, I’m Tony Purgatelli, this is purgatory, and you’re dead. – Ah! ♪ There’s no stars, there’s no sun ♪ ♪ No time off for anyone,
there’s no clock on the wall ♪ ♪ There’s no end to it all ♪ ♪ Everyone’s on overtime
and there’s no overtime ♪ ♪ Oh your book of life is
weighed on a good, bad divider ♪ ♪ Oh there’s much to much to grade ♪ ♪ For a cynical decider ♪ ♪ This is hardly working ♪ ♪ This is hardly living ♪ ♪ This is my job. ♪ – Alright that was the
song, here comes the show. – All right Mr. Chester,
before we get started, do you have any questions about the uh. You know stuff. – Yeah, one question. Is this hell? – No, like I said, this is purgatory, the place between heaven and hell, and I’m your case worker, Tony. I review your life and
determine your afterlife. – right, right, because I’m dead, right. – All right, let’s take a look at your
file here Mr. Chester. It says you were born in 1976. – That’s right. – And then yada yada, you had a life, – Uh huh. – And then okay, you died in a car wreck. – Right. – And your blood alcohol level was raised. – Whoa well, it’s, – No no, I got it, and
you ran over an old lady. – Well you see it’s not that simple. – No, I think I’ve got
enough to go on here, okay. – Wait you don’t understand! – Ahhhh! – Ah, it’s another satisfied customer. – [voice over intercom]
Tony! My office, immediately! – Oh Goddammit, what did I do now. – Ooh, going to see the big man, here comes those “severe
consequences” Tony. Ooooh. Come on everyone. – (In Unison) Ooooh! – He’s in trouble. – Yeah that memo was about him. – Definitely. – Yeah I read it, it was about him. – Me too. (creepy organ music) – Um, hello? Death? – Come in Tony. Tony, did you read the memo? – Yeah, I read the memo, I
read it a few times actually. I read it at my desk, I read
it again at the coffee maker, then I read it on the john, but it made it so I couldn’t go. – Too much information. – Okay. – Here, let me just read
it out loud to you Tony. – No, that’s okay since
we both already read it, and there’s not reason that, – Ahem. – All right. – It has come to my attention
that certain purgatory case workers have been
shirking their responsibilities by skimming or all together
ignoring the details of the client files. – Yeah, listen I just, – It’s lazy, disrespectful, it robs the souls we serve of
their right to due process. This behavior will not be tolerated and should it continue, these case workers will
receive severe consequences. – Oh God. – Signed, CEO purgatory LLC, Death. And then you know, my signature in blood. Not my blood. – I had a feeling that
maybe, might have somewhat, vaguely, been about – It was entirely about you. – Yeah okay, that’s what everybody said. – Did you read it? – Yeah, I read it I read
it, I read most of it. – And your last client, Mr. Chester? Did you review his case file carefully? – Yeah, absolutely! He was a drunk driver!
He killed an old lady! – He was celebrating the opening of a new children’s cancer
ward that he paid for. – Oh, that seems like a nice thing to do. – When a car burst through the window, and despite being slightly inebriated, Mr. Chester was able to leap into the car, wrestle control of the vehicle
from a deranged PCP addict. – No, the lady! He ran over a lady! – She was a Nazi, Tony! – Oh she was really a Nazi? – I don’t know Tony, probably. – Oh I’ve got so many questions. – That’s the point Tony. You never ask the questions, and now, an innocent man, a hero,
is burning for eternity. – I, I know I don’t belong here, this place, this job,
deciding who goes to heaven, who goes to hell, how am I
qualified to make that call? I’m nobody! Can’t you just put me somewhere else? Can’t you put me somewhere
that I can’t screw up anybody’s immortal soul? – Hmm, yes Tony, I can. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. – Oh, okay good! Where,
where am I going to go? The mail room, the custodial department? – No Tony, no. – [Tony] Should I go see Linda in HR? I can just get my stuff. – No, Tony, you’re going
in the soul shredder. (intense machine screeching) – Oh God the what! All right, can I just go hell? – No! – Can I go to dog hell? – All dogs go to heaven Tony. – Oh right, it’s cats. Cats go to hell. – Yes, all cats go to hell. – And I can’t go there ’cause, – Are you a cat Tony? – No. – Okay, so, let me just scoop you up. – Whoa! – And toss you in the soul shredder. (machine screeching) What? – Before you shred my soul, – Mhmm. – Is there any chance maybe
you could go find that guy, the Nazi murdering, cancer hero guy, and maybe get him outta hell? Tell him I’m sorry? I’d tell him myself, but you know, I’m about to go into
the soul sausage press. – Tony, do you know why
I started this company? – Yeah they told us at
orientation just after I died, so there’s really no need. – Tony, I started this company because there was simply too many
people dying every day for one immortal 100-foot
tall skeleton to handle. – Yeah but since both
of us know the story, rehashing it seems needlessly complicated. – So I have people like
you working for me, to process all of the incoming souls. But this company only
works if you work Tony. – You know, given my limited
time on this, uh, existence, you could probably skip to the– – Tony, you can’t just
look at the cliffs notes of someone’s life and say
they’re all good or all evil, all white or all black. You can’t just send the whites to heaven, and the blacks to hell. – Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. – Oh wow yeah, I realized
that when I was saying it. – Okay. Plus, there’s lots
of Chinese people here. – And we’re lucky to have them! Tony, you have to look
for the in between areas. The gray areas. – I, uh, okay. I’m still trying to process all the racial stuff you just said, but I think I see what you’re getting at. – I’ll give you one more chance Tony. Your next 10 clients, listen to them. Learn about them, send them
where they truly belong. Maybe, – Yeah? – I might not toss you
in the soul shredder. – Might? – I might, might not. Possibly, I dunno, I like using it, makes a cool noise. – Oh God, okay, I’ll do my best. – Oh, and do try harder than that Tony. Try maybe uh, Chad Bradley’s best? – All right. – Okay, look for the gray areas, get to know my clients,
don’t get shredded. – Hey Tony, coffee, coffee, coffee. – Memo, memo Tony! – Clients, areas, soul. Keep it together! – Coffee, memo, Tony. – Ahhh! – Hardly working Tony, or hardly memo? (laughs) My best! – Ah, Chad Bradley! – Yes! – All right Tony, this is it. This is your chance to
rise to an average level of basic competence at your job, and avoid having your soul unmade in an unholy razor mod crucible of pain. – Okay, here goes nothing. (uplifting music) (screams) – Phew, this trying hard
and doing a good job sure is a lot harder
than being really shitty and apathetic all the time. (screams) – Okay, one more client to make it to 10. Please be an easy one,
please be an easy one, please be an easy one! (patriotic music) – George fucking Washingon? – Pardon me? – Oh, apologies my lord,
I mean, my uh, you, your kingship, your majesty. I just, oh my God! I can’t believe it. You’ve probably been waiting a long time. – I’ve been waiting a very long time. – Well listen, I’m Tony Purgatelli, this is purgatory, and
of course you’re dead. – Yes, yes, I get the premise. – You don’t know what a
relief this is for me man, I was supposed to find the
good in the bad people, or the bad in good people,
the gray areas, you know? But I’ve got you! This
is gonna be a breeze! – I gave my fullest efforts and attention to the tasks with which I was charged. I believe upon reviewing my life’s deeds, you will smile favorably on them. – See! You’re the best guy! Easy peasy, my country ’tis a veasy, oh man! All right, so before
we get you on your way, I’m gonna make a couple of notes. Let’s see, I’m going to send you to h-e-a-v. – Ah yes, heaven. So are
my slaves already there? – And backspace backspace
backspace backspace. Your what now? – I assume there no tobacco fields to tend in the ever after? Though if there is no tobacco, can they really call it heaven? (laughs) – Oh my God you had slaves. – How could I have led
America to revolution, had I been tending my own fields, or preparing my own meals? – So, this is it huh? The final test for Tony. George Washington, the
guy that invented America, is an asshole. And I have to be the asshole
that sends him to hell. – Tony, I’m not perfect, and I’m not entirely an
ass’s hole, as you say. I may have made many
mistakes, but I always tried to act in the service of the greater good. – Huh. Okay. All right then. – Stand over there by the soul shredder. – Okay, well, I, I, I
did what you said Death, I looked for the gray areas. – Touch it, touch it Tony, put your hand on it, feel that, cold American steel. It’s good, it gets hotter. – Oh God, okay, I found out some, someone I thought was great you know, someone I thought was the best of us, he was sort of a turd. – Oh it gets so much hotter, and louder oh man. – Now go ahead, sorry, I
cut you off. It’s Tony time. – All right, and, and, despite all the turdy,
shitty, unforgivable, you know, turdy, shit that he did, – Yeah you said that word a lot. – He was mostly good you know, a good guy. A guy who should, should be in heaven, so, so that’s where I sent him. I sent him to heaven, and
if that was the wrong call, then, well. – Tony, Tony, – Yeah, – Tony, Tony, do you know
why I started this company? – Oh God just throw me
in the soul shredder, get it over with.
– Tony, Tony, I’m not going to throw
you in the soul shredder. – Wait wait wait, you’re not? So, so I did the right thing? I did a good job? – You did a job Tony. You did your job. And you did your best. I mean, I threatened you with horrifically painful annihilation, and you managed to
squeeze out the absolute minimum effort required to
keep that from happening. – But I don’t think I learned anything! I mean, I still sent George Washington to the same place I would have regardless, and now I feel like shit, and I know a bunch of
stuff I wish I didn’t know. – So, you’ve learned the
most important lesson of all! – I, I did? – Yes Tony! You learned that everything is relative. People are ambiguous, life is, at best, chaotic, random, almost
wholly without meaning. – Wait wait wait, so nothing has meaning, this whole job, what we’re doing here? Purgatory doesn’t have any meaning? – You give it meaning Tony! When you make a connection
with these people, you make it matter to them, and to you, just not to me. – Yeah but I got less
confidence in my abilities than when I came in here. – Figure out what you want
out of your purgatony Tory. (laughs) Ha, purgatony! Did
you hear that, purgatony? – Yeah yeah like it’s my name. – It’s like your name with purgatory. – Like my name with purgatory
– Purgatony – Haha, get out of here. Credits! – [Tony] Hey it’s me Tony, oh boy, that was a pretty good episode right! If you wanna keep that energy going, you know, just click on this, oh who am I fooling, listen, if you wanna watch another one, watch it, if you don’t, I can’t blame ya. I don’t know.

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