Pool’s Closed


(Introduction) (Introduction)
OFFICER: The sheriff has declared (Introduction)
an emergency. (Introduction) (Introduction)
WOMAN: There’s something in the water!! (Introduction) (Introduction)
WOMAN: Do not go into the water! (Introduction)
WOMAN: Oh my god..! (introduction)
MAN: He’s got AIDS! Get outta there! (Everybody out. Now!)
In 2006, a pandemic spread across In 2006, a pandemic spread across the world. (Everybody out!) Extensive research from the CVC revealed Habbo Hotel Pool… as the point of origin. Likely after someone jacked off into one of the filters. Since then, a band of unlikely heroes has worked tirelessly to keep the people safe… To close every pool. It all started on July 12th. The plan was simple: Create an account… Make an avatar… Full suit, dark skin, big afro… Log in, and block the pool. Hundred flooded in to block the ladders and prevent players from catching The AIDS. They arranged themselves in the standard health and safety swastika formation. [HSS] The mission was an overwhelming success. No one could get into the pool. But then, another threat emerged. On September 4th, Steve Irwin, well-known animal fighter, was killed by a stingray. Provoked and en mass, intel indicated that many more stingrays were headed for the Habbo Hotel pools. Now the pool was filled with AIDS, and stingrays, and most likely those stingrays also had AIDS. Operation September 11th was launched, and once again our heroes marched towards the pools. But it wasn’t just the Habbo pool that had people worried. Here is one concerned citizen having their own local pool closed. LOCAL CITIZEN: Uh, Hi..? LOCAL CITIZEN: Um… LOCAL CITIZEN: There’s kind of a… an emergency. LOCAL CITIZEN: Um… LOCAL CITIZEN: I was–I was swimming in the pool, LOCAL CITIZEN: and I cut my leg, and I mean… LOCAL CITIZEN: There was a fair amount of blood, and LOCAL CITIZEN: I-uh-It’s not enough for me to LOCAL CITIZEN: go to the hospital, but, LOCAL CITIZEN: I actually have HIV… and, LOCAL CITIZEN: I… POOL OFFICIAL: You were in the pool, like right now? LOCAL CITIZEN: Yes ma’am… and I… I… LOCAL CITIZEN: People could be getting infected right– POOL OFFICIAL: Uh well… LOCAL CITIZEN: I mean, it’s– POOL OFFICIAL: I’ll go shut the pool. LOCAL CITIZEN: You’re gonna close the pool? POOL OFFICIAL: Yep. LOCAL CITIZEN: Okay thank you ma’am. POOL OFFICIAL: You’re welcome. LOCAL CITIZEN: [enthusiastic] Pool’s closed! (People shouting) (People shouting)
(WHISTLE) (People shouting)
LIFE GUARD: Aids! Everybody out. Recruitment was at an all-time high. Pools were being shut down left and right. It looked as if our heroes could really achieve a permanent pool shutdown. But then, things took a sharp turn. The racist mods had arrived. They were determined to keep the pool open even though they knew the risks. Bannings left and right. This wasn’t a war. This was a massacre. Hundreds of avatars were lost. But our heroes were not giving up so easily. If they couldn’t take the fight to Habbo… they would take it to the streets. POOL OFFICIAL: Yeah. CONCERNED CITIZEN: Yes, and what did they exactly tell you? POOL OFFICIAL: To evacuate the pool? CONCERNED CITIZEN: Okay, because of uh, CONCERNED CITIZEN: because of HIV, CONCERNED CITIZEN: correct? POOL OFFICIAL: That’s correct. CONCERNED CITIZEN: Alright– CONCERNED CITIZEN: One of the standard procedures CONCERNED CITIZEN: is we need you to uh, CONCERNED CITIZEN: go ahead and put a sign outside CONCERNED CITIZEN: the pool, and tell them why CONCERNED CITIZEN: it’s closed. POOL OFFICIAL: Right, we’re doing that right now- CONCERNED CITIZEN: Er-um, what are you– CONCERNED CITIZEN: what are you putting on the sign CONCERNED CITIZEN: exactly? CONCERNED CITIZEN: Because there are some rules– POOL OFFICIAL: um, “due to health and safety.” CONCERNED CITIZEN: Yeah, it-uh, “pool’s closed due to,” CONCERNED CITIZEN: um… “AIDS,” actually. POOL OFFICIAL: Do we have to specify “AIDS?” I mean– CONCERNED CITIZEN: Yes. Um… POOL OFFICIAL: Okay. “Pool Closed due to AIDS.” CONCERNED CITIZEN: Yeah.
POOL OFFICIAL: Okay. CONCERNED CITIZEN: And, and…
POOL OFFICIAL: Okay, so who’s coming down here? POOL OFFICIAL: And they’re gonna test the water, POOL OFFICIAL: when they come down here, CONCERNED CITIZEN: John Robertson. POOL OFFICIAL: John Robertson from Castle, right? CONCERNED CITIZEN: Yes. POOL OFFICIAL: Okay, he’s coming down here? CONCERNED CITIZEN: Yes…
POOL OFFICIAL: Okay. CONCERNED CITIZEN: Uh-Okay. Good. Okay.
POOL OFFICIAL: Okay, thank you. (CALL ENDS)
OTHER CITIZEN: Okay, so, OTHER CITIZEN: we just got an entire pool evacuated. OTHER CITIZEN: and they now have a sign outside OTHER CITIZEN: the pool saying OTHER CITIZEN “Pool closed due to AIDS.” Hehe… But just as the real-life campaign to shut down the pools was reaching it’s peak, a new challanger emerged. If the mods were trash mobs, She would be the final boss. ANCHOR A: Banned from a swimming pool? ANCHOR A: Tonight their grandmother is outraged. ANCHOR B: –trying to make sense of a sign. REPORTER A: She never thought that after REPORTER A: FIFTY YEARS. REPORTER A: Her grandkids REPORTER A: would be the TARGET… REPORTER A: of such hate. REPORTER B: But this is a sign that one woman REPORTER B: that lives in this area REPORTER B: DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEEE ANCHOR C: Mary Alice says when this sign was up, ANCHOR C: the pool wasn’t closed at all! MARY ALICE: -and I tell myself it’s just a bunch of MARY ALICE: racist homophobic geeks MARY ALICE: ridiculing me. But our heroes weren’t about to take it lying down. They found her home phone number and made pleas to reason, and logic. ANCHOR C: Mary Alice received several calls after ANCHOR C: she began telling her story. She would not listen. She knew how to make it all about her… and she knew how to play the media. MARY ALICE: This kinda stuff is -old- MARY ALICE: and it’s -ugly- MARY ALICE: and it’s -tired- and, MARY ALICE: It’s time for it -time for it to be buried- ANCHOR C: According to some websites, ANCHOR C: this image is associated with (audible hacking)
ANCHOR C: a group of hackers who invaded a (audible hacking)
ANCHOR C: children’s’ social networking site. ANCHOR C: Just an online inside joke?? MARY ALICE: A joke is when two people laugh. MARY ALICE: I’m not laughing. ANCHOR A: She’s not laughing. She was not laughing. ANCHOR B: During our interview, Altorfer learned ANCHOR B: of a second flyer at the pool. MARY ALICE: It’s a picture of ME with an afro? ANCHOR B: Police did collect it for prints. MARY ALICE: When they get tired of making fun of a grandma… MARY ALICE: Online… MARY ALICE: They will find something better to do… For months, she continued to campaign to keep the pool open. (DJ Quads – “Missing Someone”) Pool is closed due to AIDS Also Intermission is over bitch In 2009, our brothers prepared for another raid. But they didn’t know… It could be… their last… The Racist Mods and Devs had changed the rules. They allowed avatars to walk through each other. Nothing
could ever be blocked again. What followed was a series of shitty raids. Each more failed than the last… and the fail gave way to infighting. First, there was a faction of skinheads who split away. Then The Gingers decided to make their own group. Then there was (communism)
total communist revolution. (communism) In 2010 things only got worse… and by 2011, It looked as though there would never be another successful raid again. These were the brother’s darkest days… and it was almost certain… that the pools would remain open. Forever. But then… In 2012… A ray of hope. ANCHOR D: -and I at channel four news can reveal ANCHOR D: that the children’s’ online gaming site ANCHOR D: ‘Habbo Hotel’ ANCHOR D: is inhabited by ANCHOR D: PEDOPHILES. ANCHOR D: Following our revelations, ANCHOR D: one of the company’s biggest, ANCHOR D: multi-million pound investors, ANCHOR D: has pulled out. In one quick shift of fortune, It became possible that not just the pool, but the entire hotel could be closed indefinitely. AMBER: It has been the best part of–what, ten–years AMBER: that Habbo has been going on AMBER: and within a week AMBER: turnoff will have managed to–basically, AMBER: tear that down. Admins muted the whole game for a week. No one could talk to anyone… and the playerbase sank right through the floor. But the best part was? Our brothers had re-unified. The divisions of the past had been put to the side. They came together to kick Habbo while it was down… and they were coming… prepared. With their growth in numbers, they didn’t need to block. They just had to make a large and annoying presence. And with Habbo’s dwindling playerbase, it was easier than ever. CP: I think these people need a little CP: EDUCATION CP: About the HIV virus. MA-TI: The diseases here MA-TI: protect your children! UPSTANDING CITIZEN: I have HIV… UPSTANDING CITIZEN: and there’s… my blood is UPSTANDING CITIZEN: in the water, and there’s… UPSTANDING CITIZEN: heh, it’s not good, y’know… UPSTANDING CITIZEN: I can’t- POOL OFFICIAL: I got’cha. Well, I appreciate POOL OFFICIAL: you calling, we will take POOL OFFICIAL: drastic measures– MAUREEN: We have, uh, MAUREEN: hourly testing, by, uh, MAUREEN: management staff, we also have MAUREEN: weekly testing of our water, SAVIOR: (low quality) The pool is closed due to AIDS It’s been quite the adventure. Of highs and lows… pools, and AIDS… pedos, and stingrays… and now, it’s 2017. There will be two great raids this year. July 12th… The anniversary of the very first raid. And December 1st… World AIDS Day. It’s up to you whether you want to come along. But I hope to see you there, brothers.

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