Michael Che – Lying on Your Résumé, Paying Taxes & The History of Sexting


What’s up, Boston? How you guys doing? (audience cheering) Wow. This is crazy. I love Boston. This is the second time
I’ve been to Boston in, like, the past month,
and I love it. ‘Cause the first time I went, I went to a place
I’ve never been before. It’s called Southie. (audience laughs, whoops) Yeah. It’s a white ghetto. (laughter) I’ve never seen a white ghetto
in my life! It was ama… I saw a white lady steal a bike. And she was wearing a helmet. It was amazing. It was the coolest thing
I’ve ever seen, man. This is, uh, this is cool
because this is, like, a dream come true for me
to do comedy, you know, for so many people,
you know? I’ve been listening to “Juicy”
a lot to get inspired. You ever listen
to Biggie’s “Juicy”? (whoops) It’s, like, the greatest song
of inspiration ever. You know? I… It’s weird though.
It’s not the same song as when I heard it
when I was, like, 12. ‘Cause there’s a line in there
when he goes, ♪ Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis ♪ ♪ When I was dead broke, man ♪ ♪ I couldn’t picture this. ♪ That’s, like, $300-worth
of merchandise. It’s not a lot of money, man. I’ve been dead broke
my whole life, and I’ve had a Sega Genesis. I didn’t have a Super Nintendo,
but I could picture it. It wasn’t like… But it’s fun though, it’s good,
because it’s, you know, like,
if I wasn’t doing comedy, I don’t know what I’d be doing,
you know? I don’t know what I’d be doing.
It wouldn’t be good. I’d try, like, I would try
to get a regular job. It’s embarrassing. I’d have to, like,
lie on my résumé. You know how humiliating
that is? You ever lie so bad
on your résumé that you can’t believe
you didn’t get the job? You want to go back
to Foot Locker. Like, really, Foot Locker? Who the (bleep) do you hire that has eight-year
mayoral experience? (laughs) And a degree in physics? Who is this amazing shoe salesman? I don’t have a degree.
I didn’t even go to college. And I’m glad I didn’t
because I do this. So I don’t have to go
to college for this. And all my friends that went
to college are in crazy debt. Like, real debt. I got a friend
that’s $80,000 in debt with an English degree. I learned English for free. (laughs) It was the first thing
I learned. It was
the first thing I learned. And I talk
to this dude every day. I understand
everything he’s saying. He doesn’t know a special kind
of English. He doesn’t talk
like the Game of Thrones. It’s just regular English. And you know
what he does for a living? He teaches English. ‘Cause that’s the only thing you
can do with an English degree. It’s a (bleep) pyramid scheme. I do like, uh,
doing comedy though because… I got to pay taxes.
That’s the worst part. That’s the wor…
You ever pay taxes? I never paid taxes before. It’s an awful feeling. I’ve had taxes taken,
but I’ve never paid taxes. And that’s two totally
different things. ‘Cause when you have taxes
taken, you get a job every week and they just take
the taxes out of your check. They just take it.
You don’t get a choice. They just take it
and they keep taking it till the end of the year
where they’re like, “Hey, I think we might’ve
took too much. (laughs) “Here’s $500 back. Go buy yourself
some sneakers or something.” And you’re like, “Thanks, government. We’re going
to Red Lobster tonight. “This is amazing.
(laughs) I love tax time.” When you pay taxes,
it’s totally different. When you pay taxes, they let you
keep all of your money all year, and at the end, they say,
“You owe us 40%.” Which is a lot for me because I
don’t know what I’m paying for. I’ve never dialed 911.
I put out all my own fires. And I’m not saying I shouldn’t
have to pay any taxes, but I shouldn’t have to pay
as much as somebody that votes. Or… actually…
(laughs) I don’t vote because I don’t
know anything about politics. And honestly I can’t believe
they would let me. Isn’t that, like,
an important job? They’ll just let me pick
the president, really? I don’t got to take a test?
I don’t need a license? You need a license
to shampoo dogs in this country. But they’ll let me pick
the president? And that seems safe to you? I don’t know anything
about politics. I’ve tried.
I’ll watch the news. Either I’m too stupid
to understand the news or I feel like they’re
always lying to us. Right? I was watching recently. This lady
from the government gets on talking about the economy. She’s like,
“We’re in a recession. We owe China $11 trillion.” And I’m like, “We?” I don’t owe China shit. You owe China $11 trillion. “We” owe Sprint $90. You must’ve been roaming. We treat kids weird, man. Let kids be kids. They were talking about kids
are out of control for sexting each other. They’re not out of control
for sexting. They just have the technology
to be as gross as we’ve always wished we were when we were their age. What did you think
he was gonna take pictures of with eight megapixels of camera?
Sunsets? No, he’s 12. He’s gonna take
pictures of his dick. It’s the most interesting thing
he owns. (laughs) It’s not his fault. I’m sure there was people
trying to sext in the ’70s and ’80s in their bathrooms with Polaroids and stamps. (laughs) Like… (imitates camera shutter) Wait till Cheryl sees this shit
in two to three business days. She’s gonna love it. (laughs) People in the ’20s
trying to sext each other. With those cameras
like the box cameras with the… … with the black cloth and… Poof! They pose for every picture
like they was on money. All right, now watch the birdie. Poof! (laughs) That’s the world’s
oldest sexting joke.

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