Joan of Arc Leads an Army (feat. Vanessa Hudgens) – Drunk History


Hello.
I’m Hillary Anne Matthews, and today, we’re going
to talk about Joan of Arc. Our story begins in France, in the year 1412. The Hundred Years’ War
is raging in Europe in between France and England. So Joan of Arc
was a peasant girl. She’s 13 years old,
she’s in a field, but then, all of a sudden,
she hears voices. We have a mission for you. And she was like…
[squeaking] What? [normally]
Who even are you guys? And they were like,
I’m St. Michael, I’m St. Margaret, and I’m St. Catherine, and they’re like, all we want is
for you to go to church and just, like, be cool
and chill and obedient. She’s like, that’s it? And they’re like,
yeah, that’s it. The King of France
was King Charles VI. People around him get him
to sign a peace treaty that will end
the Hundred Years’ War. He has a son,
also named Charles– Charles of Valois– also called “the Dauphin.” So when his father signed this peace treaty, it was disinheriting him
from the throne. [dramatic music] Gosh darn it! – It’s just one little drop. – It’s been happening
this whole time. – [chuckles] – Okay. So, Joan is now
a 16-year-old girl in a 16– [fly buzzes] In a 16-year-old world and these voices,
they’re like, hey, girl, you need
to lead France to victory and get Charles Valois crowned as the rightful
King of France, and she was like, ha!
You guys! That’s not what you told me
the first time, you guys. They’re like, you need to go
to this lord gentleman named Baudricourt. He’s gonna help you
get Charles crowned. Then she runs away from home to Lord Baudricourt. She arrives, and Joan’s like,
hello, I am Joan, and I am here because v–saints talked to me
in my head and it is God’s will
to have Charles of Valois crowned the rightful
King of France. Lord Baudricourt
is straight-up like, [spoken as teenage girl]
Get this crazy girl back to her home, but like then,
what happens is that she gets, kind of like,
a following. People have heard
about Joan of Arc, and they are on board. Lord Baudricourt is like, okay, well, actually,
we can work with this, and Joan’s like, cut off my hair
and dress me in men’s clothes so I don’t get raped,
and he’s like, okay. Because it was
really dangerous ’cause she’s a woman. Ugh. God, the Middle Ages. I’m glad we’re not in them. – Amen. – Too harsh to women, and the breath was bad.
– [chuckles] – So they arrive at Chinon,
and Charles of Valois is like, um, wait, who’s here? And they’re like,
a 16-year-old girl who hears the voices
of saints, and he’s like,
okay, you know what? Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna put on
this big goofy mustache and this big floppy hat and I’m gonna trick her and I’m gonna see
if she knows what’s up. And so, he’s just, like, [goofy voice]
I’m just a courtier, I’m just
a regular old courtier, and she walks in,
and she’s like… [sighs]
You’re Charles of Valois. You are my rightful king. He’s like, wow. [claps slowly] – Slow clap. – He slow claps her. Can you believe
that he slow claps her? – The first slow clap. – Yeah, it was
the first slow clap. And so, he’s like,
great! Because we want
the same thing, which is for me
to be King of France. So Joan was like, okay, dude,
give me an army. I want that army.
Ooh, give me that army! And he’s like,
okay, guess what? Army bestowed. [triumphant music] She sets out with this army
to Orleans. So they get there and they were like,
okay, here’s what’s up. We have to strategize. We have to think
about this logically. We have to make plans,
and Joan was like, Guess the [bleep] what? No! We got to just go for it,
you guys! Only ’cause God
wants us to do it. and they’re like,
oh, my gosh, God? Yeah, he’s the tops. We are going to just freaking… Ugh. I hate it when
people say “freaking.” – Then say it differently. – So then they just [bleep] go for it and they are like,
attacking and attacking, and attacking the English, and Joan is in
the thick of it, and she is not shying away, and then thwup! She gets hit in the shoulder
with an arrow. But here’s what’s amazing:
the English surrender, and they’re like, fine!
White handkerchief. White handkerchief. – You do “handkercheef”
instead of “handkerchif.” – Yes. Handkercheef.
– Hm. – Handkerchief. Yeah, I do.
– Okay. – And everyone’s like,
we did it! And we did it
because Joan of Arc led us to this point! [triumphant music] Charles of Valois,
the Dauphin, is crowned King of France and everyone’s like, yay. [quietly clapping] – [laughs] – Then, Charles of Valois
is like, now I want you to go to Paris
and take Paris. She’s like, cool, I’ll do it! So Joan goes to Paris and she shoots
a bunch of arrows Waa! [makes popping noise]
Waa! [makes popping noise] But in the midst
of this battle, Joan is captured,
and they’re like, we got you!
Ooh, did we ever get you! You are marins wen’s clo– You are wearing men’s clothes,
and now, girlfriend, that means you got
to be burned at the stake, and she’s like, [bleep]. Joan of Arc, 19 years old,
is put onto a wooden stake, and then, um,
they light it on fire. Phew! And then she starts
calling out for her saints, and she’s like,
St. Michael, the big kahuna of saints,
St. Michael! St. Margaret! Okay, St. Catherine! St. Catherine,
St. Margaret, St. Catherine,
St. Michael, St. Margaret, St. Catherine! It’s like, cricket,
cricket, cricket, and everybody’s just watching
this 19-year-old woman just get burnt alive
at the stake. So then Joan–she dies. The end. Is it redundant
to believe in your own beliefs? I don’t care,
and neither did Joan. Here’s the thing
about 17-year-olds. At that time: standing in a field,
blinking. At this time: looking at Instagram,
blinking. Joan of Arc: leading an army! – [chuckles] – I’m not saying
you need to aspire to more, but, like,
maybe aspire to more. Like, maybe lead an army
or two or one or two.

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