*Bernadotte reads the disclaimer* Nazi grunt: Please! No! I’ll worship your Go- *Anderson bludgeons with a laugh* Heinkel: I think that was the last one. Good thing too. I feel you’re running out of bayonets. Anderson: Care to correct yourself? S-sorry, sir! You have bayonets for days! Anderson: Bayonets for days… Iscariot grunt: Father Anderson… I believe I speak for all of us when I ask… Why did we go out of our way to save this, uh… Integra: Woman. Iscariot grunt: I didn’t want to assume. I was actually wondering that myself. Alucard would have left Maxwell to die. Integra: Probably after putting a bullet in his leg. Anderson: I am a man of three things: God. Virtue. And disobeying that prat MAXWELL when it suits me! And if I’d let the woman die I would have been none of the three! Wait, so… You just defy your master’s orders on a whim? Aye! Good God, it’s strange to see this from the outside. Airship captain: Lieutenant Zorin Blitz We are just outside the Hellsing perimeter. We shall maintain this position as we observe- Zorin: No! All hands to battle stations. But… Ma’am. Our orders- I have been vaiting for this war for over 50 years. I have been given veapons Men And a target. I will not be cock-blocked at the point of entry by that little, blond TOAD!!! I… Know. Ve. Vill get vhat ve have coming to us. Now, captain! Launch the V-1’s! Airship captain: Yes, Ma’am! Zorin: Status report! Anyone! Airship grunt 1: Vell, uh, the V-1’s launched… and then zhey blew up! But not vhere they were supposed to. Like vay too soon. Zorin: I can see that! Vhy?! Airship grunt 2: Reports say it’s sniper fire! Zorin: Kilometers away?! You are useless! Get me a fucking visual! *Gasps* *Zorin growling* Bernadotte: Twenty four out of twenty four, ma chère. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere. Seras: Actually, if you wouldn’t mind, mister Bernadotte… Seras: My name is “Seras Victoria”. How peculiar. Bernadotte: I was under impression by the rest of the staff that your name was “Police Girl”. *Exasperated* You know what? *Sigh* Fine, Ma chère it is. Seras: Just pay attention for any possible incomin- So, ma chère, tell me a little bit about yourself. Y-you’re serious? Come now, we know so little about one another. Bernadotte: And let’s be honest. Zis may be the last chance we get to share. So, ma chère. What was it like growing up in England? ???: Hold her down. ???: Where’s the other fucking one? ???: Stop squriming you little bitch… *Screaming*
???: Stop squriming you little bitch… I grew up in Leeds… Nothing happened. Bernadotte: Sounds boring. Seras: Yes. It was. Seras: *Sigh* How about you? Oh, um… In the French countryside. With my… Young Pip: *whining* Grand-père! Is it true? Is it true what the children at school say? That you are a mercenary? That you KILL people? Grand-père: Oh, little Pip. It’s much more than killing people. It has many complicated facets. I once helped topple a fascist South African government in a week. I mean, it was replaced by another in two. But I still got paid. Young Pip: *whining* But Grand-père! My fellow school children, they taunt and bully me for it! Grand-père: Wait, quoi?! How are you not the coolest kid in school?! Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it that son of the butcher: Jean Paul? Perhaps that little piggy shall find a grenade in his lunchbox so when he opens it, it pulls the pin… Please do not kill my friends… Oh, mon cher petit-fils! I’M not going to do it. Quoi..? Seras: Oh my God. Oh, relax. It was a flashbang. A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone. Bernadotte: Now, how about zhese nazi fucks? Seras: Well, I got a couple of grenades for them. They ain’t flashbangs, though. Ah, but they’ll flash and they’ll bang! Just how I like it. Now. Give them a proper Hellsing welcome! Seras: So… a mountain of over-the-top violence Swearing and unnecessary screaming? Exactement. Oui fucking monsieur!
[Epic music in background] Bernadotte: Open fire! Airship grunt: Ve’re being shredded, lieutenant! Zorin: Tell me something new! Airship grunt: Vell… ve just lost two engines. Zorin: Cunt! Airship captain: Ma’am, we can’t keep taking zhis kind of damage! Ve’re going to crash! Zorin: Zhen give me ramming speed, captain! Right into that bitch! Airship captain: Vhich bitch, lieutenant? Zorin: THAT BITCH WITH THE CANNONS!!! Bernadotte: Alright, ma chère! How about you flash them the goods? Zorin: CUUUUUUUUUUUUNT!! Bernadotte: And that is how the cookie fumbles. Seras: It’s “crumbles.” Bernadotte: Oh, like England… Seras: Can you, uh, not right now? Bernadotte: I am French, so… No. Mercer: Holy shit, guys! I think we killed them all! Hebert: Hey, Mercer. Try not to choke on your fucking foot. Bernadotte: Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor. Zese are vampires. Much like ma chère, they won’t go down that easy. And a night on the town and a little bit of wine won’t woo zem over. You will have to show zem that you care. Make zem feel like they’re the only thing that exists to you in this world. And zen, when zey finally open their legs… give zem everything…. And leave nothing. Zorin: Vhat’s our head count? Nazi grunt: Ein, zwei, drei… er, A lot. A lot. There’s a lot. Zorin: Good. Then your orders. Are to SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!! Seras: Should I hold my position, mister Bernadotte? Bernadotte: No, ma chère. You’ve already been on top. Now give us a turn! *Click* Nazi: Huh. Landmines. UH! LANDMI- Various Nazis: Landmines? Landmines? Landmi- Landmines? Landmines! Holy shit, they’ve planted landmines. Oh, they found the landmines… Oh my God, they planted landmines?! We walk our dogs out there! Okay! ve have to stay calm! Nobody move an inch! Ve vait for Zorin, ve’ll pull back. Nazi: *Slow motion* And ve’ll… Oh… shi- Bernadotte: Alright, men. You know the drill! If it moves, it dies. If it dies, you move on. Keep those grenades coming. Keep the bullets raining. And most importantly. Have fun. I’m going to have a smoke. Willingham: No offense, sir. But you’re being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as usual. But aren’t we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here? Bernadotte: Honestly, Willingham. We were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits Running dick-first into enemy territory. Willingham: Still, kinda crazy though, isn’t it? Bernadotte: No way! If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in the Middle East That we’d end up fighting nazi vampires I’d have kissed you full on the mouth! But now… all I feel is robbed. Willingham: Well, if it makes you feel any better, there’s a giant woman outside. Bernadotte: Quoi? Bernadotte: Sainte putaine de merde! Mercenary: WHAT?! Seras: Holy fucking shit! Bernadotte: What she said! Zorin (Giant): Peekaboo! I’LL KILL YOU!! I want to go back to the Middle East… Mercer: She’s gonna kill us all! Fucking! Demon! Bitch! Hebert: Oh, tsch, I lost an arm. Seras: *Thinking* We’re gonna die. To the giant, German, nazi vampire woman with a scythe. That screaming homeless man on the train was right. Alucard: Hahahahaha! You’re kidding me, right? This basic bitch has you believing she’s a giant? Seras: Master? Where- Alucard: On a boat in the middle of uh… The fucking… I don’t know, Atlantic? Ah, fuck it, the ocean. Anyways… you need to whip out that third eye of yours and- But Master… I only have two eyes. No, you have three eyes. You’re a vampire. Seras: Do you ‘ave three eyes? Alucard: Sweetheart, I got so many eyes. Eyes for days. Eyes for days? Eyes for days. Now. Look past your own self. Seras: How uh- Alucard: *Exasperated* Oh my God! Go cross-eyed! JESUS!!! Seras: Bleeeeee-hehhh-eghhh– Huh? Erholtz: Please don’t stick me in your giant vagina! Mercer: Dude, what the fuck?! Hebert: Welp, high-fives are gonna suck now. Seras: ‘Old on, did she…? Oh, come on! Bernadotte: Open the doors of hell for me, Grand-père! I’m coming home. Seras: Oh, for Christ’s sake. Zoran: Ahhh My face! You curr! Seras: Ya cunt touch this! Hebert: Holy shit, my arm’s back! Erholtz: Oh, thank God! I thought she was going to crush me! With her giant vagina. Mercer: Okay, what does your internet history look like? Seras: Mister Bernadotte, it was just an illusion! Like push-up bras or stilettos! Bernadotte: Wait. You wear a push-up bra? I don’t wear a bra. Mercer: *Turned on* Oh my God. They figured out the landmines! Bernadotte: I fucking noticed! Seras: Eat schnitzel in hell! *BANG* *Splatter* “Eat schnitzel in hell”…? Seras: Oh, my apologies. What would you have said? Bernadotte: Don’t be so sour, kraut! *Laughing* Erholtz: Ninety-nine dead balloons! *Laughing* Mercenary: Hasta l’auf wiedersehen! *Seras joins the laugher* Seras: Y-You’ve been autobahned! *Seras laughs by herself* Seras: L- Like the- Like the autobahne- Bernadotte: We should get a move on! Oh choke on a baguette of dicks! Now listen, ma chère! We are in the thick of it. They are getting close. And we cannot pull out now. We shall continue to hold them off for as long as we can. But we need you to flank them and- Seras: This is a reach-around joke, in’it? Bernadotte: Bon Dieu. I’m becoming predictable. Whatever, listen. If the British are good at anything it’s hunting. And you are hunting the deadliest game of all. Seras: Nazi vampires. Bernadotte: Dammit, that used to sound so cool! But then you say it so much and “Nazi vampires” just sounds stupid! Seras: Oh, right? Uh, maybe we’ll find something else. Like… Maybe a Nazi werewolf. Bernadotte: Merde, that sounds so much worse! *Explosions* Bernadotte: Oh, right. World War Trois. Ma chère! Like a high-class escort. Make them pay for every inch. I can’t believe I find you attractive… Bernadotte: Pardon, quoi? Bernadotte: Wait, what? Willingham: Uh… So… Sir? What’s the over/under on us finishing this mission alive? Bernadotte: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight. Willingham: I don’t know. Those vampires do look kinda rapey. Hebert: Holy shit, dude. Willingham: Oh, who the fuck am I offending, THE NAZIS?! Riegel: Er, Bishop Maxwell? Maxwell: Oh, shit. I fell asleep waiting. You think watching London turn into a litteral hellscape would keep you riveted. But once the screams die down… So, what did I miss? Riegel: Well, according to the reports, America is imploding. So, Millennium has infiltrated them as well. Riegel: No. Actually. Maxwell: Okay… Well, have the Papal Knights arrived yet? Riegel: Actually, we were unable to conscribe them into our efforts. Maxwell: What? Riegel: Ah- but do not worry, Bishop Maxwell! We were able to get… Some… Eager volunteers. Volunteers? ???: From Italia! I am brother Andrea Marco Francesco Luco Mateo Alejandro Lozendro Fredrico- Yes, yes. And your order? Andrea: I bring with me the Pure Noble Ordine della Rossa del Corna di Resa San Bartironmeto, alla Serieta del Segni Torre Derise el Sierte Maxwell: *Sigh* Andrea: Divisione Ricettazione. We bring 510 paladins of the order. Maxwell: *Sigh* Grazie. And you? Diego: From Mexico, Don Diego de la Vega! I bring: The Mexican Inquisition! Maxwell: I did not expect you. Diego: No one ever does. We bring 888 conquistador inquisitors! Bartłomiej: Shalom! Bartłomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the sacred order of the Temple Beth Zion! Maxwell: Oh, I’ve not heard of your order. You’re… sure you’re catholic? Bartłomiej: Oh, of course! You worship the Lord Jesus Christ? Bartłomiej: Hey, if we’re killing Nazis, I’ll worship a side of bacon. We bring 447 menschen. David: Hey bud, David Bouchère from Canada, bud. I bring the crusaders of the Salvation Army. Fuck bro, let’s kill us some gays! Maxwell: Nazis. David: Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh? Maxwell: Glad to have you. Now let’s- Jed: Now I gotta say, I’m a little uncomfortable killin’ Nazis. Some of my best friends are Neo Nazis! Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so… Maxwell: Mi scusi. And you are? Jed: Jed Forrest, from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300 n’ change good ol’ boys from the Knights of the Hangin’ Noose. Maxwell: Wow, alright, okay! Thank you for… swinging by. Oh, God! Jed: No worries. Jed: Now I noticed y’all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don’t worry, ’cause Jim brought more in his truck! Maxwell: That’s uh… Really not necessary- Jed: Jim, how many more crosses we got in that truck!? Jim: ‘Bout a few! Jed: ‘Bout a few. Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade. Listen up! Those who have come to serve the unyielding Word of our Almighty God. We’ve come together this night, under the glow of the London inferno In the eyes of our Lord for one divine reason. FUCK the new pope! *Cheering* That Argentinian windbag has ruined us! Prattling on and on about the poor! We are the house of God. Not a fucking soup kitchen! Andrea: Thank you! Even we’re sick of feeding people. And we’re Italian! Maxwell: And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a wooden chair! Probably carved by more poor people! Diego: Jesus was a king first, carpenter second! Maxwell: And do not start me on the homosexuals! Oh, if you love them so much, why don’t you fucking marry them? You seem so okay with the concept! David: Yeah, fuck bro! It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they’re havin’ sex! Maxwell: And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as mere stories! “We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whores, and homosexuals, and POOR people!” Bartłomiej: Yeah! Perhaps we can all just agree that, MAYBE, Jesus wasn’t the son of God! Maxwell: We are the congregation of a wrathful God. We shall begin a new Papal succession, and I shall lead us in the Ninth Crusade. For I am your leader. The new Pope! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens We… Will- Jed: Round up all those dirty ni- Okay, YOU need to chill! Bernadotte (Announcer): Bonjour chaz observateur
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