[smacks table] Just do yourself a favor… and go. Just go. Click on something else. Really, you don’t want to stay here. You won’t survive it. [chuckling] *I* barely survived it!! [laughing breathlessly] This movie’s HORRENDOUS!!! It’s horrendous! it’s just… ungodly! Unnatural! If a piece of shit took a piece of shit, and that piece of shit took a piece of shit, and that piece of shit took a piece of shit, AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT, and that piece of shit made a MOVIE… and that MOVIE took a piece of shit, THIS IS THE PIECE OF SHIT YOU WOULD SEE!!!!! [sigh] Felix the Cat. Felix the Cat’s theme song: ♪ Felix the Cat! The wonderful, wonderful cat! ♪ ♪ Whenever he gets in a fix, he reaches into his bag of tricks! ♪ NC: I know what you’re thinking: “Why, that black-and-white cartoon from God-knows-when?” “How could a film based on that thing be as horrible as I’m making it out to be?” “How could some innocent animation from the ’20s” “possibly affect someone in the most horrendous ways you can imagine?” [wheezing laughter] [high-pitched squealing] You’ve been warned! Okay, so we start off this movie with— You sure you don’t want to turn back? There’s still time! I’m sure Angry Joe has a good video! Okay… So we start off this film about the classic 2D animated character with, of course, some classic 2D anima— What the fucktopus?? Terrifying CGI head of Felix: Oh, hi, everybody! Glad you could make it! NC: …Aaaaand hundreds of screaming kids go running out of the theater. Poorly lip-synched CGI Felix: You see, I just got back from the land of Oriana. NC: Wow, you almost had actual lip movement there that time! Keep it up, and your mouth might actually close a few times when you say a sentence! CGI: Felix: Come to think of it, I don’t even know if I could get back there myself— NC: And in case you’re wondering, no, there’s no other 3D animation in the entire picture. So really, this is completely pointless. It’s like watching that annoying Mario head at the opening of Mario 64. Yeah, it looked nice then, but it’s awkward and disturbing now. ♪ [Super Mario 64 theme] ♪ NC!Felix and NC!Mario: Which one of our voices is more annoying? NC: Don’t make me choose! Okay, so after we’re done with Cat Headroom, we finally get our title. Felix the Cat. Yaaay… We then see the land of Oriana, where Princess Oriana… …bit of an ego trip there… …is busy running her country when she’s suddenly interrupted. Grumper: [clears throat] I-I hope I’m not disturbing you. Oriana: I always have time for you. Grumper: It’s this increase in credits you’ve created, it’s just unheard of! Oriana: I’m so glad you agree! [door loudly clatters open]
Oriana: I’m so glad you agree! Madame Pearl: Oooohhh!! It’s happened! I should’ve known! I saw ALL the signs! [loud cartoony sound effect]
I saw ALL the signs! NC: Oh, God, this movie’s gonna hurt… Okay, so you might notice, well to be perfectly honest, ALL THE PROBLEMS WITH THE MOVIE in the first two minutes! Yeah! Actually, everything wrong with this film you can sum up in literally the first two minutes! Firstly: the animation is obnoxious. It needs Ritalin. Second: It has the same problem as The Magic Voyage: It’s just constant noise all throughout the film. It never takes a break! Pearl: The Duke of Zill! He’s gotten through the impasse with a whole army! (almost drowned out by the blaring music): He’s almost here! Duke of Zill: Take the city! ♪ [loud dramatic music] ♪ NC: But surprisingly, this film is even worse! Why? Because the sound mixing is so bad, that half the time, you can’t even make out what they’re saying! [dialogue drowned out by obnoxiously loud marching and mechanical whirring] Give The Magic Voyage some credit; I at least heard every piece of shit dialogue that was written! Third: the lip movements almost never match what the characters are saying. Look at this scene: the guy never closes his mouth! Open-mouthed Grumper: I will delay them for as long as I can. I’m old. They won’t harm me. NC: HOW DOES HE FORM CONSONANTS?! But hey! Seeing how we can’t HEAR what the characters are saying half the time anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s two minutes. TWO MINUTES, and already I want to stab a puppy and eat people! Pray for the apocalypse people! We have 80 more minutes of this shit! Okay, so what I could gather over the underwater audio is that the princess’ uncle… …named Zill… The Stranger from The Big Lebowski: That’s a name no one would self-apply where I come from. NC: …is in the process of taking over her kingdom. Grumper: May I remind you, Princess Oriana, that since you’ve disbanded the army, there is now no defense against such a possibility. Oriana: Thank you, Grumper. I don’t need to be reminded. NC: Uh, [chuckles] Clearly you do, because that was a pretty jackass move. You got rid of your entire army?! WHO DOES THAT?!?! (as Grumper): Uh, princess, why did you dispose of our army? (as Oriana): Well, when in the history books has anyone ever taken a government down? (as Grumper): Uh, huhuh. You’re joking, right? (as Oriana): And even if someone DID try to break in, I would just hold my dress on both sides and think happy thoughts. Doesn’t that sound the most logical? (as Grumper): This conversation makes me feel drunk. NC: So they try to get her out through a hidden tunnel, but the Doctor Who robots are closing in on their tails. Oriana (nearly drowned out by the loud rumbling): We can’t let the Duke see us. [loud rumbling continues] So they outwit the… …Evil Boxes… Angry Video Game Nerd: Oh, don’t you talk about my boxes! I LIKE boxes! NC: And come across a room where a machine that can jump dimensions is kept. Oriana: I do hope the Dimensporter still works. It’s so old! NC: Wait a minute, “so old”? You mean you have an UNGODLY POWERFUL DIMENSIONAL TRANSPORTER AND YOU NEVER USE IT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BIMBO?!?!?! (as Oriana): I’ve been using it to make hot chocolate! [dope slap] NC: But the machines grab her before she can get it to work. [even louder mechanical whirring than usual] Kid Icarus from Captain N: Princess, the palace is under siege! Oriana: OH!! Let me GO!! [more obnoxiously loud mechanical noises] ♪ [’80s new wave dance music] ♪ NC: What the hell? [loud sparkling] ♪ [new wave music continues] ♪ [shimmering] NC: Ummm….. Thank God that 1980s music video tear suddenly turned gold and activated the machine… It happens! Good buttery God, her tears are incredible! I mean if that’s just what they can do, imagine what her SNOT could be capable off! [explosion] So the tear goes to a totally different dimension… on its own… It’s alive… Yeahhh….. And it looks for a dimension not nearly as strange or surreal as the one they’re currently in. Does it come to our world? Well, I’m gonna say “no” on that, because even though it looks like our world, there’s cars in it like our world, and there’s even humans in it like our world, there’s a talking cat who walks around with everyday people and carries a magical bag that he can somehow morph into anything. So, clearly, it’s NOT our everyday normal world! Why does this get me so angry? Well because it raises the question: “Why the fuck do we have a different dimension in this movie?!” Why couldn’t Felix just be in Oriana, the strange world? He’s already strange! He’s a talking cat!! It’s not like the real world needs something odd and whimsical! It’s weird-ass shit meeting WEIRD-ASS SHIT!!! So this plot point has no purpose! It’s just wasting time! Something you’ll find this movie is very, very good at! Felix: Oh, hmm! Ooooohhh… AH! NC: So as you can hear, Felix’s dialogue is about as complex as an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. Oh hell, even THEY have more respectable dialogue than this crap! Felix: Oh, oh, stop! Oh… Woooah! Uh-oh! Waaaaah! NC: Ooh! Ha! Hee! Hoo! Haw! Hahaha, HA! So while Felix is chasing the Magical Flying Golden Tear… Someone had to write that… Two scientists are watching him, because apparently, they want control of his magic bag. Poindexter: Yes, Uncle. This must be something really big, if he’s got his bag. Professor: Hee-hee, yes, YES! The bag! I’ve always wanted that bag! Perhaps this is an ideal opportunity for me to acquire it! NC: So, this may sound weird, but… I think Felix the Cat has way too much story. There’s like a million things going on at once in this movie. You’re not directing Inception; It’s Felix the Fucking Cat! ♪ [incoming musical number!] ♪ Random song: ♪ Sly as a fox / You got me under your spell ♪ NC: Uh, does this really warrant a song? It’s just some foxes looking at a bag. Why does this lend itself to musical accompaniment? Pointless song: ♪ You just outfoxed yourself / The way I knew you would! ♪ NC: They must be learning from the Randy Newman School of Pointless Song Writing! Randy Newman impression: ♪ Foxes / They like looking at bags! ♪ ♪ And then they walk away / So their tails are gonna wag… ♪ You pay Randy now. NC: He follows the tear down a hole where he sees the remains of an old mine. Felix: I think I’m starting to fall for you. [laughing at his own bad pun] Boy, could you use a Big Mac, huh? [laughing at that poor skull’s expense] Nyaaaah— NC: Boy, Felix is kind of sick, isn’t he? Does he always laughs at the dead when he comes across them? (as Asshole Felix): HAAA-ha-ha-ha! You stupid skull! HAAA-ha-ha-ha! Alright, time to get some reading done. [clears throat] HAAA-ha-ha-ha! Stupid people who died at the hands of Joseph Stalin! Nnnnnnnn! NC: So he finds himself in the Dimensional Jumper-Upper and gets sent to Oriana. Golden Tear (it can talk, too?!): Oriana! [loud slam] [wa-BOINK!] But he’s trapped in a room and uses his magic bag to drill his way out. [drilling] [metal scraping] Felix: Uh-oh! [water rushing in] [bizarre creatures jibbering] ♫ ♫ NC: Okay, this is making the Yellow Submarine look sober. It’s just pointless nonsense on top of pointless nonsense! In fact, what was that line used to describe iocane powder in The Princess Bride? Westley: It is odorless, tasteless and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. NC: Yeah, that’s this movie! THAT’S THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!! Felix: [laughs] ♪ [triumphant music] ♪ [magical sound effects] NC: By the way, I should point out that Felix’s magic bag really has no logical reasoning to it. He just sort of looks at it, lasers come out of his eyes, and suddenly, it transforms into whatever he wants. There’s no limitation or understanding of it at all. We don’t even know where it came from, or how he got it. He just starts off with it and, hey, it’s a magic bag. Don’t question it. You know, maybe that would work better in the 1920s when animation was new and it horrified people. ♪ [dramatic 1920s orchestral music] ♪ Old-timey Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! A cat doing things with a bag! Hide your children! ♫ ♫ NC: But when this came out, it makes about as much sense as……. it does now. [wipers squeaking] Pim: Howdy, stranger! NC (as Pim the Lorax): I speak for the trees! Pim: Why don’t you just follow me? Eh, by yourself, you can get in a lot of trouble around here. ♪ [creepy synth music] ♪ [bat-thing crows] NC: Look out! That’s painted into the background, so obviously, it’s not gonna move… Pim: There, Sonny! I got you!
Felix: Whoooa! [splash] [bubbling and splashing] ♪ [perilous music] ♪ [gun cocks] [bang]
[ricochet] Offscreen voice??: OW! NC: But the old man traps him in a….. …cherry sperm… and hands him over to a circus entertainer who wants to exploit his magic bag. Meanwhile, Dr. Wily and Dr. Honeydew try following Felix to see if they can capture his bag as well. Professor: Felix is definitely over his head this time! Ha-ha-ha-ha! [computerized beeping] [mechanical whirring] NC (singing to the Transformers theme): ♪ Changeformers: Less Than You’d Expect ♪ ♫ ♫ NC: While that’s going on, the entertainer tries to force Felix to show how to use his magic bag. Wack Lizardi: What is your name? Alright, let’s try again. What is your name? [pointer-rod-thingy squeals] [metallic clanking] NC: The fuck is he doing? Wack Lizardi: Heh-heh-heh, that’s real good! [a complete lack of clanking] Listen, pussycat! You wanna eat? Then you work! Felix: My name is Felix. NC: Stop that! You’re getting way too much enjoyment out of whatever you’re doing! [return of the metallic clanking] [laughs] What did they even tell the person who was animating that? (as animation director): Alright, I want you to make it look like he’s dry-humping a trash can. No questions, dammit, no questions. I have a very specific vision! NC: So the show/circus/thing that the entertainer runs finally begins, and—you’re not gonna believe it—it’s really loud, obnoxious and annoying! Monsters: ♪ Who is the boss? ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ The Duke of Zill, of course! ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ Who never gathers moss? ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ The Duke of Zill, of course! ♪ NC: What the anus? ♪ [guitar solo] ♪ Okay, I have no idea why they just showed her face right there, but let me tell ya, it sums up the movie! That’s the face I’m gonna make throughout the entire flick! ♪ [song continues] ♪ [sigh] This whole sequence is like a bad fever dream after watching Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Pink: Are there any queers in the audience tonight? [audience full of queer-as-in-strange creatures cheers] GET THEM UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!! Monsters: ♪ ‘Gainst! The! Wall! ♪ Pink: There’s one in the spotlight, he don’t look right! [NONE OF THEM look right!] NC: But Felix performs, and it turns out he’s a big hit with his magic bag. Why he doesn’t just turn it into a semi-automatic and blow the shit out of everybody, I don’t know! But he does make all the Fraggle Rock gremlins happy. Wack Lizardi: You did good, eh? You’re a born performer, eh? Heh-hoo! NC: We then see the princess is forced to perform while dancing inside a bubble. Clip from “Return of the Nostalgic Commercials”: FUCKING BUBBLES!!! ♪ [EXTREMELY ’80s synth music] ♪ NC: Why is it princesses can never seem to get out of bubbles? Like Princess Daphne [from Dragon’s Lair]. Don’t all they have to do is pop it? I mean, this isn’t rocket science! In fact, this whole movie seems like a lost Don Bluth game: “Dragon’s Suck”! Oriana’s thoughts (barely audible over the pounding robots): I must be strong. Perhaps if I continue to— NC: What? What? What? I-I-I can’t hear. What? Oriana’s thoughts (still barely audible): …have mercy on my people. NC: Guess what? That constant pounding sound coming from the robot is not vitally important to hear! Maybe the inner thoughts of one of our main characters holds a little bit more weight. …but not likely. [boing] Felix: I’ve… gotcha! It’s all right. I’m not gonna hurt you. NC: So he befriends these two mice, who, for some reason, dress up like lizards, and, for some reason, can chew through metal… [chuckles] It’s… it’s not even worth questioning. …as they let him out and lead him up to the Princess’ cell. Felix: This may sound crazy, but I’m not from around here. I followed a tear with an image, YOUR image inside it, and here I am because of you! Oriana: The tear! The Dimensporter! The other dimension! Then it DID get through! NC: Yeah, because apparently, tears in really bad animated movies have the power to start up dimensional transporters, and talk with dolphins with the help of magical moonbeams. How come tears are, like, mythical Stargates in these films? Oriana: When my father was still alive, there was a small army, more for ceremonial occasions than anything else. But there was one person who didn’t like the way things were: my uncle. Oriana’s Uncle: It works! It will revolutionize labor. I— [rocket whoosh quickly followed by an explosion] Lab Assistant: Err, it wasn’t supposed to do that? Oriana: He was horribly disfigured, but he’s— NC: Wait a minute… He’s not horribly disfigured, he looks FINE! What, did he get a pimple in that fire and he was too embarrassed to show it off? Oriana: My father had entrusted me with the royal secrets and the location of the Book of Ultimate Power. It’s this book that the Duke so desperately wants. NC: The Book of Ultimate Power. Yeah, why don’t you just call it a more obvious name, like “The Goody Good Good That People Really Wanty Wanty”? Oriana: My poor country! I fear time is running out for it. Felix: We will get out of here! I promise you. NC: Yeah, so again, even though the king and queen are totally dead, she still technically calls herself “Princess”. How does that work? If you’re the ruler of a nation, you’re a fucking queen! You know, we never did hear her first name. Maybe she legally changed it to “Princess” just so she can keep the title! Given the fact that she threw her armies out, even though there’s a crazy-ass uncle who wanted her dead, it wouldn’t surprise me! So while they’re trying to figure a way out, the two doctors are trying to figure a way in. Poindexter: Uh, excuse me, Miss. How much is it to enter this establishment? Ticket Vendor: Four credits for adults, two for children. Yeah, okay, I’ll take it. Enjoy the show. NC: He paid with wrenches? (high-pitched squealing): WHY WOULD HE PAY WITH WRENCHES?!?!?! IT MAKES NO SE-HE-HE-HENSE!!!!! I’m trying, movie! I’m really trying to understand you! But you JUST DON’T ADD UUUP!!! This whole movie is like a beating on your child’s BRAINS!! If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the only cure for it was watching this film, I’d say “GIVE ME ANOTHER TERMINAL ILLNESS JUST SO I CAN DIE FASTER!!!!!” Wack Lizardi: Alright, ladies and germs! Step right up and see the greatest and the latest, right in our ring! NC: But Felix has a brilliant plan….. I guess, which is blowing a bunch of bubbles out of his saxophone and somehow, they float away on that. Duke of Zill (barely audible over the machinery and bubbles): Stop them, Wack, you dumb scrunt! They’re escaping! You let them outsmart you. NC (as Duke of Zill): Curses! I knew someday bubbles would be my undoing! [boing] [pop]
Oriana: Oh! So they get away along with Stinky Pete, who I guess is a good guy now, but the Skittles Electric Parade is on the go, and they have to get a move on. So they come across the Professors who were trying to steal the bag, but Felix steals it right back. [Felix whistles] [boing] Felix: I don’t suppose you have anything that belongs to me. Professor: I was bringing it to you. NC: Wow. So THEY were really essential to the story. (as Professor): Give me the bag. (as Felix): No.
(as Professor): Okay [Windows 3.1 “Ta-da!” sound effect] NC: So they come across a hair forest… I’m not questioning it. Why should you? But even more strange creatures come to do strange things. [off-screen screeching] [Oriana screams] [screeching from… whatever THAT is…] [swords clashing (odd sound effect choice…)] Felix: Princess, are you okay? Oriana: [groaning] Yes, I think so. NC (as Oriana): Oh, that one pussy scream really seemed to take a lot out of me. [demonic heads continue screeching] [Pim swishing his gun] Pim: It’s the head Headhunter! [Oriana gasps] NC: [sigh] It’s like if Dr. Seuss really hated children. And wanted to give parents a way of punishing them without necessarily beating them. And yet the psychological scars would still be the same. ♪ [unfitting rock music that couldn’t be more ’80s if you tried] ♪ Listen to that cheap ‘80s music. Does this match at all? [no, but it DOES sound like a certain theme to Top Gun…] ♪ [sung to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone”] ♪ ♫ ♫ But Felix has another brilliant idea: Hats! I just don’t GET YOU, MOVIE!!!!! I DON’T GET YOU!!!!!!! I’m convinced. This movie is where somebody’s drug money went! They had to hide it somewhere, so how about a film that obviously had no effort put into it whatsoever! And on top of that, nobody would ever see! It’s genius! PURE DIABOLICAL GENIUS!!! Oh, thank God, we’re almost at the end. Okay. So the uncle comes across our heroes and forces them to show where the Book of Power is. ♪ [ethereal music] ♪ Duke of Zill: What is THIS? Some kind of JOKE?? “Truth”? “Love”?? “Wisdom”??? I’ve been suffering and waiting all these years… for this crud?!?! NC: Hey, at least those years were in flashback. We had to sit through a whole hour-and-a-half for this weak-ass twist! Duke of Zill: Master Cylinder!!! [electronic zapping] Master Cylinder (barely audible over the overbearing music): End of the line for you! NC: And speaking of weak-ass twists, just as the uncle threatens them with a giant killer robot, Felix literally throws the book at him, and….. …that actually defeats it… [explosion] Duke of Zill: What did you do?! MY ARMYYY!! NC: Ah, yes, nothing like showing truth, love and wisdom than by tricking your enemy with all your hatred through the dumbest and most barbaric of idiotic methods! Truly, we learned a lot from this movie. ♫ ♫ So Felix tries to go back to his dimension, but it turns out none of the gold the professors brought is able to pass through. Oriana: But I have a feeling that your gold will pass through the Dimensporter. Felix: But, Princess, I don’t have any gold. Oriana: You’re wrong, Felix. You do. ♪ [Felix the Cat’s theme song starting up] ♪ You have a heart of gold. NC: DAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaAaAaAaAaA!!!!! Felix: Righty-O! NC: AAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAHHH!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! DAH-DAH-DAH-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Oh, FUCK YOU, YOU DECAPITATED MACY’S DAY BALLOON!! You are SHIT ON A DICK!!!!! This movie… THIS MOVIE….. I mean, MY GOD!!!!!!! It is HORRENDOUSLY bad! Beyond annoying! Every second is like a kick to my ballsack! The story, the characters, everything about it is like a little kid jumping on her bed screaming. It’s just loud, grating, and makes NO sense. It’s one of the worst, people! One of the WORST I’ve ever had to sit through! It is a piece of……… DAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!! There are no words to describe it! There’s only one single, solitary image! Thank you. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. RUN, MY CHILDREN! RUN! YOU ARE FREE! *FLEE* THIS HORRIBLE CAULDRON OF ASS! [children shrieking]
NC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ♪ [Felix the Cat’s theme song] ♪ [Felix laughing at the Critic’s misery] [even more metallic clanking]