Enter The Hivemind | Bad Internet


(electronic hum) (laughing) – Hi, Grampy! – There you are! I thought you weren’t gonna make
it. – Oh, no, have you been waiting? I told you I was running late. – Oh, I didn’t see any message. – Oh, no, not on a phone. I sent you a thought on the
Hivemind. Let me just make sure it went
through. That’s so odd. (electronic hum) – I’m not on the Hivemind. – What? Why not? Everyone’s on the Hivemind. – I like the Internet. What’s wrong with that? – The Hivemind is so much
better. You can instantly exchange
thoughts and feelings or access the memories
of anyone on the planet. It’s totally bleef. – I don’t like how people have their minds melded all the
time. Whatever happened to good,
old-fashioned conversation? Two people, together,
silently texting each other. – I guess things are different
now. – You’re telling me. When I was your age,
everything was simple. You wanted to meet up with
somebody, you sent them an evite. Then you sent them an email to
make sure they got the evite. And then, a couple days
later, you texted them, because they never answered. – Is everything okay? – I’m just a little lonely
since your grandma died. None of my old friends are answering any of their damn
texts. – That’s because nobody texts
anymore. – Oh. – Grandpa, I know new
technology can be scary, but if you get on the Hivemind, you can use it to meet your
neighbors, or old friends from high school, or everyone in this park. (electronic hum) – [all] Hi, Appleby! – You’ll never be alone again. – Can I use it to meet
my college girlfriend? – Of course, super easy! What brain tap do you use? Alpha Slug, or Flurm, or? – I don’t know. I had it implanted so long ago. It’s the one that makes you remember the smell of wet
leaves. – Cranial? That’s a terrible brain tap. I’m gonna force sync you a
better one. – I’m sure that– I’m sure the Cranium is fine. – Cranial. – But okay, whatever. Just doublethink Cranial. – How the Hell do you
doublethink? (laughing) – You just think about the
smell of wet leaves twice. – What do you mean, think twice? How do you think about something
twice? – You just think about it, and then you think about it
again. Like this. (electronic hum) (electronic hum) – Wait. What’s happening? I can hear the sound of
2000 teeth chattering. And I feel the sensation of
ground beef between my fingers. – Yeah, yeah, yeah, just ignore
that. – What’s happening? – That’s Cranial. It comes built in with these
sense prompts that supposedly ease you
into the whole experience, but it kinda just clutters
everything up. Are you sure you don’t want
me to force sync you Flurm? – Yes, yes, I’m sure. – Okay, well, after
these feelings subside, you should be launched into the
Hivemind. (screaming) – [Appleby] See? Look at all these great thoughts everyone else in the world is
thinking. – [Grampy] Make it stop! – [Appleby] Try to focus on me. Focus on my voice. – What the Hell is this? Why are there so many of us? – I’m thinking of you,
and you’re thinking of me, but we’re also syncing
each other’s thoughts, so you’re thinking of me
thinking of you and I’m thinking of you
thinking of me thinking of you, and so on. Does that make sense? – No. I hate this. I don’t want to do this anymore. – You’re doing great. I thought you wanted to try
and find your old girlfriend. – Rebecca Heath. – Great, just doublethink her. – Rebecca, is that really you? – Hello, Travis. I see you’re finally in the
Hivemind. – This is incredible. It’s been so long. How are you, what have you been
up to? God, there’s so much to say. – There sure is. Here. Well, it was nice catching up. – Wh– what? – Think of me again sometime. – That’s it? – Aw, that’s so sweet. – No, it was nothing. – You both shared every detail about your
life with each other. – What happened to real
friendship? People you saw everyday, on Facebook, when you scrolled past them. – I’m sorry, Grandpa. I know how you feel. – No, you don’t. You’re too young to know how I
feel. – No, I mean I literally
know how you feel. I’m tapped into all your
thoughts. Remember? We all are. – But why? Whatever happened to privacy? In my day, we only shared things
we liked, and things we hated, and our meals, and our current mood, job, and
location, and pictures of our genitals, and pictures of naked
celebrities that we hacked from their
phones, but not everything! I want to get out of this thing. How do I get out of this thing? – You don’t. That’s the whole point. We’re all connected,
and you’re never alone. – No. It’s too much, it’s way too
much. – Sure, yeah, there are some bad
parts, but look at what the Hivemind
can do. It’s brought humanity together. War is over. With a single thought, you can feel the wind on your
face from the other side of the
world, or feel the combined power
of all the love in the world, or truly understand a single
person with 100% empathy. – Yes! Yes! Wow! – And there’s so much you can
give. Your wisdom, the love
you felt for Grandma, your bank account info, the
feeling of holding your granddaughter
for the first time. – Wait, wait. What was that last thing you
said? – Grampy, who you talking to? – Welcome to the Hivemind,
sucker! – Shit! You didn’t think about
any sensitive information around her, did you? – What the Hell is happening? – That wasn’t me! That was someone who just used my thoughts,
feelings, and experiences to pretend to be me. It’s a brain phishing scam. – How am I supposed to know
that? – Couldn’t you tell that that
wasn’t me? – No, it… looked exactly like you. I don’t even know when real you
left. – Really, Grandpa? I think it’s pretty obvious. – This is just as horrible
as I thought it would be! Just log me out. – Nobody says, “Log out”
anymore. – I don’t care! I don’t care what people do
today. I don’t need them. Just, how do I get out of this
thing? – Just unthink the smell of wet
leaves. – What do you mean, unthink? Look, nevermind. Nevermind. I’ll figure it out. (panting) Sorry I snapped at you. – That’s okay. I could think that you
were going through a lot. And all your money was stolen. – I didn’t need this Hivemind
before, and I don’t need it now. – Oh, okay. See you next week, Grampy. Sorry. (electronic hum) (piano music) – [Voiceover] Hello. Thank you for installing Alpha
Slug. To tap into the Hivemind, just doublethink the
feeling of deep shame. If you are having trouble
connecting to the Hivemind, try sleeping for 15 seconds. If this does not resolve the
issue, ensure your thought probe
is properly installed by removing and reinserting
it into your skull. This may require light surgical
knowledge. Please use caution when using
Hivemind to view pornography, as you will experience the
sensation of thousands of simultaneous
orgasms. Do not think too hard about
the logic of the Hivemind. Do not think about the Hivemind
while within the Hivemind. Have fun.

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