Ellen Takes a Look at the History of Drinking


It’s April. Can you believe it’s April? [APPLAUSE] Spring break is here. People are going crazy. They’re drunk-dancing on tables,
getting piercings in places that only a doctor should see. If you’re getting a piercing
where you can only see it with a handheld mirror, I think
that you’re drinking too much, I think. People usually come back from
spring break with two things– a sunburn and a hangover. And I think I know why. Because the swimsuits are
getting smaller and the drinks are getting bigger. The way drinking has
evolved is crazy. I want to show you
what has happened. In the beginning, people drank
out of this, out of a goblet. And you would drink
one glass of wine. And then you’d get a little
buzzed and a little dizzy, but not from alcohol, from
the lead poisoning, really. These would sometimes lead
to wet corset contests. [APPLAUSE] I– I almost didn’t do it. I didn’t think it was good. I did it anyway. All right. Then they invented this. This is a shot glass. And it was so you could get
all the alcohol without any of that annoying juice. And I like it because
it’s efficient. And it does the job of
a regular-sized drink but in half the time. [APPLAUSE] Now I’m buzzed. All right. And from there, things got
completely out of control. This– you know, I thought
this was a joke this morning when I saw it. But apparently it’s not a joke. [APPLAUSE] How many people have
seen this before? [APPLAUSE] I don’t know where y’all
go, but I don’t have– it’s called a fishbowl cocktail. And you know the old
saying, drink like a fish? Now you literally can
drink like a fish. This has vodka, rum, tequila,
pineapple juice, coconut juice, lemon. It’s a mix of everything
except good decisions. All right. Then someone invented this. And it’s called a beer tower. And this is great
if you want to throw a bachelor party for your
friend and a going away party for your liver. And I know what you’re thinking. That’s nice, but I
don’t drink beer. Well– [LAUGHS] oh, god– then there’s this. [APPLAUSE] So this is a– this is a yardstick. It has a strap. And you can walk around and show
everyone your drinking problem. You can just– [APPLAUSE] All right. Then, finally, if you need more
alcohol, this is a Bongzilla. [APPLAUSE] Nothing good has ever come
after the sentence, want to try my Bongzilla? All right. I’m going to show
you how this works. I don’t drink beer. So I’m going to pour
my favorite tequila– Casa Dragones tequila. There it is. And so what happens? How much– does that
whole bottle fit in there? Mhm. (SARCASTICALLY) Uh-huh. All right. And then– Zenor, I
don’t want to do it. You do it. OK. Wow! [APPLAUSE] It’s amazing.

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