Devin Field’s Got a Bone to Pick with the History Channel

A little about me, I am uptight. I’m one of those
very uptight people. Recently I got a massage
for the first time in my life. Ehh, didn’t care for it. Not a fan. The masseuse had to stop
no less than four times to ask me, “Sir, are you sure
everything’s okay?” “No, it’s not!
Get away from my feet!” No tip. Because I’m so uptight,
I do a lot of drugs. I smoke a lot of weed.
That’s my remedy. – Audience: Whoo!
– Thank you. Yes, I’m brave. In that way, I’m brave. And I don’t have any plans
to stop smoking weed, but I do want to scale back
a little bit. So I do have a goal, which is I wanna stop
smoking weed in a rush. Do you know what I mean? I wanna stop smoking weed
when I’m running out the door to go somewhere else. I wanna cut down
on the number of times I’m alone in my apartment
just going, “Okay, keys, wallet, phone. What am I–
what am I for– Oh, my God.
I almost left the apartment without taking a huge,
fat, milky bong rip. What am I doing?”
( slurping ) “Oh, now I’m ready
for Target! Good!” Little tip.
Don’t do it before Target. It makes Target impossible. It’s really tough. Because I smoke weed,
I watch a lot of really
bad television. That’s one
of the side effects. And I recently
discovered what I believe to be the most racist show
on television. It’s a show called
“Ancient Aliens.” I don’t know if there’s
some fans here, but if you don’t know it,
“Ancient Aliens” is a show on
the “History” Channel. A name that
with each passing day means less and less. Just nothing at all
at this point. And on this show,
they talk to “scientists.” And the scientists
discuss the ruins of
ancient civilizations, like pyramids and stuff,
and they explain how they were probably
left there by aliens. And I think
this is deeply racist, because the entire math
of this show is just white people
looking at the ruins of ancient non-white
civilizations and going, ( scoffs )
“You think brown people
made that? No, no. No fucking way, no. I have a much simpler
explanation. Aliens from outer space
came down… ( laughter, applause ) Come on. “You think the Incas mastered
stonemasonry to that degree? Absolutely not, no. White aliens
from outer space came…” ( laughter, applause ) Don’t bring aliens into
the racial debate, that’s– that’s not what we need. I’m learning
what kind of people I want to cut out
of my life entirely. You know,
what kind of friends I don’t need to keep
in touch with anymore. Like, I went to college
with a lot of business dudes. – You know what I mean?
Maybe you’ve–
– ( crowd hoots ) Ooh, no. No. This is not your night,
my friend. No. Buckle up for
the rest of this. So… I’m gonna lose a fan tonight! Business dudes,
if you don’t know ’em, they’re guys who like wearing
blazers and boat shoes, shaking hands hard,
and sending emails with phrases like,
“Let’s circle back next week?” ( laughter, applause ) They’re–
they’re business dudes. And recently I was
catching up with one of
these business dudes for what I now know
will be the last time. And, uh… we were getting a drink,
and as we parted ways
at the end of the night, this is how
he said good-bye to me. He goes,
“Good stuff tonight, Devin. More to come!” No! Oh, no! I couldn’t match that.
I don’t have any of that in me. I had to just give him
my best version of that, which is like, “Hey, man, it’s all downhill from here. All right, take it easy.” “Hey. Hey, man,
we started from the bottom? Somehow we’re even
lower than the bottom.
What’s happening to us?”

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