Cults Don’t Stand a Chance Against Ted Patrick (feat. Gary Anthony Williams) – Drunk History

– Hello. My name is
Anais Fairweather, and tonight I’m gonna
tell you the story of Ted Patrick. – Wait. Will you go like this? – Is there a fly? – You got gnats in here. – [gasps] Oh, my God! [blowing] – I don’t know why
you let all these gnats in.– So the day is July 4,
14-year-old Michael Patrick
comes home.
He’s [bleep] up.His eyes are all
He looks like he’s been
set into trance.
His father, Ted Patrick,
runs to the door
and he’s like,
what the [bleep]?
You were supposed to be home
hours ago.
He’s like, I was talking
to children of God,
and I’m gonna go [bleep]
live with them now.
Here’s a pamphlet.Here’s what they’ve been
telling me.
Ted Patrick’s like,
[bleep] that!
He looks at the pamphlet
and he’s like,
this is a bunch of
brainwashing bullshit.
Get in your bed,
go to sleep–done!
His son goes to bed,
and Ted Patrick
doesn’t think about it
for another week.
A week later after
Fourth of July,
after this whole thing
went down,
this friend runs in
and she’s like,
I need your help.
My [bleep] son Billy,
14 years old–No.[laughing]
19 years old…
has been missing
since Fourth of July,
last seen with a bunch of
people holding bibles.
He’s been gone
since Fourth of July!
So he starts making
all these phone calls.He gets the names of 52 kidswho has been taken by
the Children of God.
52 [bleep] kids gone–
in one week!
The police and authorities,
they all say, sorry,
can’t do anything about it
because, you know,
most of these kids are like
19 years old, 18 years old.
They–they can make their
own decisions at this point.
Ted Patrick says like,
well, there’s only one thing
I can do–I gotta become
a Children of the God.
A Child of the God.
So [bleep] Ted Patrickgoes out to Mission Beach,follows what his son told himwhere all those kids were
hanging out, sees the bus.
The bus is painted
Children of God on the side.
He sees all these
good-looking young kids
preaching the word of God
on the outside of the bus.
He’s like,
that’s the [bleep] bus.
They ask him all these
questions like,
are you a follower of God,
do you love God,
how much money do you have
in your bank account?
And Ted Patrick’s like,they just [bleep] want
my money.
I’m so drunk. [both laughing]And they like kiss cheeksand then he like
high-fived ’em
and then got on the bus.[solemn music]They drive to Santee
in San Diego.
It’s a commune there,
Children of God commune.
Ted Patrick walks into
this commune,
and there’s speakers
[bleep] lining the walls.
David Berg, who’s like the
Moses of Children of God,
is just like blaring out
his prophecies
which are things like
Jesus loves you,
but the only way
that he loves you
is if you denounce
your parents,
if you give up all of your
money and your possessions,
if youonlydo this.And if you step off of
this commune
and you do not become
a Child of God,
then the [bleep] devil’s
gonna get you.
They’re gonna
strike you dead.
And imagine this time.Of course these kids
are [bleep] believing that, because they’re already
kind of rebelling against their parents, rebelling against
the government.They’re confused.
They’re looking for answers.
And, you know,
Ted Patrick’s 41 years old,
so he’s like, I’m, A,
have been in the service,
B, I’m a middleweight
[bleep] boxer.
– Oh, really?
– Yeah, dude, he was!So anyway, he’s like,
I can probably
[bleep] withstand this
and gain some intel
on this [bleep]
Children of God shit.
44 hours later, he hasn’t
[bleep] eaten anything,
he hasn’t drinken anything.This is all the Children
of God brainwashing.
All that he’s been receiving
is the world of David Berg.
He’s like, you know
the devil [bleep] wants you.
The devil wants to get
in your little head…
and all this shit.So then finally, at 48 hours,he’s finally allowed
to take a nap.
It was wall-to-wall,
head-to-foot people
sleeping in this room
that smelled like shit
on tiny little blankets.
But people were passing out
’cause they were so exhausted
and hungry and thirsty.He wakes up after
a three-hour nap.
He’s like,
I believe this shit.
What the [bleep]
am I talking about?
I don’t believe this shit!
This shit’s [bleep] bullshit!
He’s like, I gotta get
the [bleep] out of here.
He runs up to like one of
those little guys
and he’s like, I gotta
give you everything I own.
If I don’t,
the devil’s gonna get me,
and they’re like, you’ve
accepted the word of God.
And he’s like, uh-huh!
So he like leaves,
and they’re like, bye!And he was like,
if I don’t do something,
nobody’s gonna do something.So he started the Free COG–
Free Children of God.
And he talked to
a bunch of parents.
All those 52 families,
there were parents who said,
I’ll be [bleep] willing
to give up anything.
And then he’s like…you.
You need help.
This couple,
and they have a daughter.
She dropped out of USC
and joined Children of God.And so he goes–he [bleep]
infiltrates the commune
with her parents.He grabs her,
and she’s [bleep] screaming
[bleep] you,
you’re the devil–
all this shit–
and Ted Patrick’s like,
okay, whatever.
I’m not.
He shoves her in the car,
shuts the door, drives off. I’m…very drunk. – You’re okay.
– At the time right now. [giggling] All right, so–
– Welcome. – Thank you.
– Okay, so Ted Patrick,he takes the girl
who was a USC dropout,
[bleep] brings her
to a motel.
Three days of questioning.
He asks the last question.
Well, why does God
want your parents to die?
Her eyes changed.She lifted out of the trance,and he said it was the most
beautiful thing
he’d ever seen.And she was like,
I am so sorry.
I’ve been calling you the
black devil this whole time.
I’ve been telling my parents
I [bleep] hate them.
I’m so sorry.She apologized profusely
to everybody,
hugged everybody…and was like,
you saved my life.
And Ted Patrick
looked at her
and he was like,
you’ve been deprogrammed.
They were all like,
holy shit,
thank you…you know?[laughing] What am I saying right now? – [laughing]– So he gets a phone call
from Ralph Collins.
He’s like this really
well known realtor.
And he’s like,
I need your help.
My daughter Pam
has been taken
by the Children of God
with her fiancé,
and I need your [bleep]
They hop in the car.They drive to the commune
in Colorado.
They pull up to thisvery [bleep] high-stakes
There’s like people
on watch towers
and vicious dogs
running around,
350 young adults
just being like,
I am a robot.Ralph Collins
sees his daughter walking up
and he’s like, she looks
like a [bleep] alien.
And she [bleep] pulls up,
walks up to the car
with five dudes,and Ted Patrick’s like,
So he’s with this guy Danny
who knows karate.The parents pop out of
their car and they’re like,
and Pam’s like, Dad, Mom.
He opens up the trunk,
and [bleep] Danny
the [bleep] Karate Kidchops Pam’s fiancé
in the face.And then Ted Patrick
is like, gotcha!
And she’s like,
what the [bleep]?
They grab Pam, throw her
in the back of the car,
skid out of there.
He drives off.
And then they drive
to a motel.
Ted Patrick questions Pam
for two days,
and Pam finally came to.And her eyes shifted
and she was like,
Mom, Dad, I [bleep] up,
and Ted Patrick knew.
He looked at her in the eyes
and he was like,
you’re fine, you’re good.
You’re deprogrammed.
And so he dedicated his lifeto helping people recover
from these brainwashings.
And he was like, the only way
I can live with myself
after what I witnessed
at Children of God commu–
commune is if I…help these people.He knew he was
the only person
that had the [bleep] balls
to do this.
No one else wanted
to touch this shit.
Ted Patrick is creditedwith deprogramming
upwards of a thousand ex-cult memberswho were very stoked.‘Cause they were like,
I got my brain back!
Thank you!
– [laughs]
– Ted Patrick was like,
you can just call me
Black Lightning,
and everyone was like,
pffft, been calling you
that for days.
I don’t like to be
judgmental of, like,
people’s belief systems, because everyone
believes something different, but these belief systems
aren’t religions. They’re cults because
you no longer have rights. You don’t have freedoms.Ted Patrick was like,
when these [bleep] cults
are advertising correctly,when they [bleep]
brand themselves right,
[snaps] I’ll be done.Until then,
I’ma [bleep] deprogram
all these [bleep] kids.That’s that he did. – Cheers.
– Cheers! – Yay!
– [laughing] – To finding the truth. – Holy shit. What a [bleep] lightweight
I am. [laughing]

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