Coca-Cola Was Invented Using Cocaine (feat. Bill Hader & Jenny Slate) – Drunk History


ABOUT THE INVENTION
OF COCA-COLA, AMERICA’S
FAVORITE SOFT DRINK. [giggles] SO, LIKE, IN THE 1800s, JOHN PEMBERTON WAS TRYING
TO MAKE PATENT MEDICINES. BASICALLY,
THEY WERE FAKE MEDICINES, AND MOST OF THEM WERE JUST,
LIKE, HERBAL WHOSIWHATS. WHO EVEN CARES? WE WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE
ANYTHING THAT WOULD SELL. WE WAS LIKE,
I WANT TO MAKE A FAKE MEDICINE THAT MADE WOMEN THINK
THAT THEY’LL NEVER BE NERVOUS OR HAVE FARTS… AND MAKE MEN THINK
THAT THEY CAN BE SMARTER. SO HE DECIDED TO USE
A NEW INGREDIENT, COCA. COCA IS FROM A PLANT. THE SOUTH AMERICANS
WOULD CHEW IT, AND BE LIKE,
WE HAD SO MUCH ENERGY, AND WE WEREN’T EVEN HUNGRY,
AND WE HIKED THE WHOLE ANDES. [laughs]
BUT REALLY, THEY WERE
JUST ON COCAINE. JOHN PEMBERTON WAS LIKE,
OH, I SHOULD PUT THIS INTO MY NEW POTION
THAT I’M MAKING. AND BASICALLY, HE COPIED
SOMEONE ELSE’S RECIPE, CALLED, LIKE,
“VIN MARIANI.” HE WAS LIKE,
WELL, I HAVE WINE. I PUT COCA IN THERE,
A LITTLE OF THIS KOLA IN. THE KOLA NUT RELEASED
A LITTLE BIT OF CAFFEINE. AND HE–HE BASICALLY
WAS LIKE, WHAT I GIVE YOU
IS WINE WITH COCAINE– [laughs]
CAFFEINE. THEN, PEOPLE IN ATLANTA
WERE LIKE, NO, NOBODY CAN SELL ALCOHOL
BECAUSE OF TEMPERANCE. HE WAS LIKE,
OKAY, WELL, FINE, I’LL JUST MAKE
A TEMPERANCE BEVERAGE. HE WENT BACK
INTO HIS LABORATORY, AND HE DECIDED TO JUST PUT
THE COCA AND THE KOLA TOGETHER, BUT THEY WERE SUPER BITTER
WITHOUT THE WINE, SO HE ADDED
A TON OF SUGAR, AND THEN, HE MADE IT INTO,
LIKE, A DRINK. YOU KNOW, HE THOUGHT, OH, WELL,
PEOPLE WILL LOVE THIS. IT WASN’T LIKE HE WAS LIKE,
I MADE A SODA, PBBT! ‘CAUSE NOBODY
EVEN HAD THAT YET. HE HAD A FRIEND
NAMED FRANK…ROBINSON… [laughs]
WHO WAS LIKE, OKAY, WELL, I’LL HELP YOU TO SELL YOUR,
UM, MEDICINE SODA DRINK THINGY. FIRST OF ALL,
YOU SHOULD, UM, CHANGE THE “K” IN THE “KOLA”
TO A “C,” AND JUST CALL IT WHAT IT IS,
“COCA-COLA,” AND THE TWO “C”s WILL LOOK
REALLY NICE NEXT TO EACH OTHER, AND WHO WOULDN’T
LOVE THAT? SO THEY WOULD JUST
ADVERTISE COCA-COLA AS A MEDICINE
FOR YOUR BRAIN. THEY WOULD SAY IT’S INVIGORATING
AND STIMULATING AND HEALTHY
FOR YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM. USING THE EXOTIC EXTRACT OF THE COCA AND KOLA NUT… [laughs]
TO MAKE YOU SUPER ALIVE AND READY
TO FACE YOUR DAY. THE FIRST YEAR…
HE ONLY SOLD 25 GALLONS. – 25,000 OR 25–
– 25 GALLONS… – OKAY.
– IN A YEAR. HE GAVE IT TO PHARMACIES. THEY HAD, LIKE, SODA FOUNTAINS
AND FUN THINGS, AND PEOPLE DID LIKE IT,
A LOT. OH, THIS IS, LIKE,
A GREAT DRINK. THEY THOUGHT THAT IT MADE THEM,
LIKE, INVIGORATED AND AWARE. PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY
DRINKING LITTLE COCAINE SODA. [laughs] ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!
I NEED MORE. I WISH I WAS ALIVE THEN TO DRINK
THE COKE–COKE–COCA-COLA. [laughs] – [laughs] – OH! GOD, I MISSED SO MUCH FROM
NOT BEING IN THE OLDEN TIMES. [laughs] THE NEXT YEAR,
HE SOLD 200 GALLONS A MONTH! [laughs]
THAT’S SO MUCH MORE! 12 MONTHS. [dog barking] [short bark] [dog barking]
[gasps] REGGIE, STOP IT.
[short bark] TWEL–
[short bark] REGGIE, GOD DAMN IT. HOLD ON. OKAY, I GOT HIM. 12 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR.
HE SOLD 2,000 GALLONS A MONTH. NO–YES?
GOD DAMN IT. HE’S ON HIS DEATHBED
DYING OF STOMACH CANCER, AND HE’S LIKE, OUT OF ALL
OF THE PATENT MEDICINES THAT I’VE TRIED TO MAKE, I’VE FINALLY MADE
A SUCCESSFUL PATENT MEDICINE, BUT WHAT HE NEVER KNEW
WAS THAT HE ACTUALLY MADE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DRINK THAT HUMANS
WILL EVER DRINK, EVER. GOD, HE WAS SO SUCCESSFUL,
AND HE DOESN’T KNOW, AND HE’LL NEVER KNOW,
EVER. THEY STILL USE COCA LEAVES IN MODERN-DAY COCA-COLA, SO DO THE MATH
ON THAT ONE. EVEN IF THEY DON’T
HAVE COCAINE IN THEM, THEY STILL USE THE LEAVES
AND THEY TOOK THE COCAINE OUT. THEY’RE PUTTING IT
SOMEWHERE ELSE. [laughs]

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