Cleopatra’s Little Sister vs. The World (feat. Aubrey Plaza and David Wain) – Drunk History


– So hello, my name
is Lyric Lewis, and tonight we are discussing
the other queen of Egypt. Oh yes, the queen that
was scheming, thieving, thriving and surviving
off of stealing her way from the bottom to the what? To the top. The other queen of Egypt. So our story begins in 51 B.C. We’re in Alexandria,
the capital of Egypt and Cleopatra has
just turned eighteen. She’s like, “Cleopatra
is coming at ya”. She’s fresh, she’s
young, she’s supple. She’s like, “I’m looking
fabulous and fly”. And she marries her
brother Ptolemy. – I’m sorry, marries? – [Lyric] Yes, it
wasn’t weird for them. They were like, “we gonna
be blood on blood on blood, stacks on stacks on stacks, chicken racks on
racks on racks”. (laughs) So, now she’s the queen, but their little sister Arsinoe, she’s like super
butthurt about it. She’s like, “yo, I know
that I’m eleven, but really, I can’t be
mother(beep)ing queen? Nobody asked me if
y’all could get married. So boo to that, boo to that”. She’s a sneaky, thieving
ass, thriving tween. And she had a eunuch that
was just like her homeboy. Ganymedes was in the
shadows at all times. Like, you would only see
a sliver of his face, come out the corner. And he be like, “dogs,
that’s what we do in Egypt”. – [Derek] Dogs. – [Lyric] Dogs. So now, at this point,
Julius Caesar is kicking ass, taking (beep)ing names all
over the Mediterranean. Like, Julius Caesar’s
like, “what’s poppin’? “Ah (beep) it, they
can get over it”. Cleopatra’s in to that. Like, she’s like,
“I’m feeling this”. And so she’s like, “hey
Ptolemy, husband, brother, we should, like,
link up with Rome. Hardcore, parkour”. Like, Cleopatra’s like, “yo, we should (beep) with
Rome, hard as (beep)”. She’s like, “Rome
is (beep)-able”. Ptolemy is like, “I’m
not feeling this. We’re not gonna
link up with Rome. That’s it, boom, roasted”. Cleopatra is like,
very upset, right? But Arsinoe is here hustling
all throughout the castle. She goes to her
brother, Ptolemy. She’s like, “Yo, I know
I’m eleven, but peep this, I’m not (beep)ing with
Julius Caesar either. I don’t think Egypt
should link up. Matter of fact, you
should check your wife, Because she’s trying, like, she not even listening
to you dude”. She’s like, “you the husband
and she not listening, right?” So Ptolomy goes to Cleopatra, and he’s like, “yo,
Arsinoe came to me, “told me she not
(beep)ing with it, She put some wisdom in my head, so maybe I shouldn’t (beep)
with it so we not gonna do it”. “And, not only that, I’m gonna
banish you from Alexandria”. So Cleopatra’s like
“Excuse me, like, you gon’ come for
my, like, what?” So Cleopatra now is pissed that
Arsinoe came for her throne. She is set on getting
revenge on her little sister. So hmm. – Cheers. – So Cleopatra’s banished. So Arsinoe’s like “I’m cute
now bitch, I’m queen of Egypt”. It just so happens
at the same time, Julius Caesar happens to
make a trip to Alexandria. And he was like
“what’s poppin’ Egypt?” So Cleopatra said to
herself, she was like “self, I can either arrange a
regular meeting with this man or I can get him
the Egyptian way”. So she crept in his room
in the middle of the night and gives him the Egyptian
business right there in that hotel room. – Now that’s a pyramid scheme. – She was like “oh, you gonna
be reading from the book of the dead after this
’cause you gonna be what? Dead and gone”. – (beep) like an Egyptian. – He was like “well this is
some new shit”, like he was like “Girl, what is you
doin’ to my body?” She’s like “just some
Egyptian shit, don’t worry ’bout none of that,
that’s what’s happening to your whole body right now”. Right, he like fell for her
after that one (beep)ing night and so Cleopatra was
like “I know we just met, and I give you the business
immediately, my bad. However my brother, Ptolemy,
banished me because why? Because I wanted
to (beep) with you and I need help to
get my throne back”. And Caesar was like
“say no more girl, you put that Egyptian ass
on me, it’s a done deal. Let’s go invade some shit, yes?” And she’s like “yes bitch,
go get my throne back”. So Julius Caesar invades
Alexandria right, like it’s like a whole
bunch of Romans and shit and Ptolemy is captured
as a political prisoner. But then Arsinoe
narrowly escapes the palace with her eunuch. Ganymedes goes “yo,
they invades the castle, let’s do this bitch”. So they escape from
Alexandria right? They go to the
rebel Egyptian army and the leader of
that army is Achillas. By the way, also Achillas to me, just sounds succulent,
you know what I mean? He sounds like a succulent
man, but I’ll continue. – Doesn’t need water? (laughter) – Shit, sure. But anyways Achillas,
he’s like “damn, that’s a little ass girl”. And she’s like “hey, I
might be 11 and a half or 12 years old but
I’m (beep)ing fierce. We need to re-invade
Alexandria, take back my throne because yo, I’m the true
queen of Egypt, okay, my sister’s not the
(beep)ing queen. She’s just some
bitch on the throne”. Achillas is like “no bitch,
we don’t know you like that first of all, second of
all you’re mad young”. He’s like “you’re
11.5 or 12 years old”. He goes “we not here
for this mother(beep) like, good night”. So then this little
shit, Arsinoe I told you was off the chain ’cause
she’s like “oh no? Oh no, you not gonna
(beep) with me?” So then Arsinoe turns to
Ganymedes and goes “yo, (beep)ing kill this
little (beep)”. And he did. Then he killed him in some
great Egyptian fashion and he assassinates
him in cold blood. It’s crazy. Ganymedes goes “yo, she
told me to kill him, I killed him, don’t
worry about it”. And Ganymedes says to all of
us “don’t worry about it”. Don’t ask him ’bout it. So he be gone. And he’s dead. So then, I forget her name. I remembered it
the past two hours. – Arsinoe? – I’ve never done this in the
story, I’m very embarrassed. (laughter) High five, that’s right, pew. Arsinoe takes the army and
goes back to Alexandria and she’s like “I’mma take
this (beep)ing shit over”. And Julius Caesar’s like
“bitch, no you not bitch”. She’s like “yes I am bitch”. So she forced him to flee,
she runs into the light tower, the pharaoh’s, where she’s
the 7th wonder of the world. And so Caesar’s pissed at
this point because he’s like “I’m (beep)ing Julius Caesar”. Like he’s like, “I
conquered the Mediterranean and this girl is about
to like run me, what? What is this, she’s
11 and a half or 12!” He’s mad, like he’s surrounded
by the army and the sea. He has literally no way out. So he’s like “(beep) either
I’m gonna go out there and get killed as (beep) or
I’m gonna jump out this window and be drowned as (fuck) and
hopefully swim and live”. He sheds himself of his
armor and his purple cloak. Purple cloak is
iconic in Greece. People know that
it’s Julius Caesar. And he jumps and
splashes into the water. Arsinoe comes up, takes his
cloak and like waves his cloak as like a victory flag
going “yes bitch”. Caesar finds the boat
that is waiting for him and is like “damn,
she’s very buck, she nucks if she
bucks all the time”. So then Ptolemy meets
with Caesar and he’s like “I’ll make a deal with you, my little sister’s wiling out. She’s very ratchet. I will give you her if
you give me my freedom”. Caesar’s like “all right,
dude, I’ll take it”. With a sneaky look
on his face, right? So then Ptolemy goes to
Arsinoe and he’s like “hey girl, hey” and she’s
like “Ptolemy like, yo”. And then Caesar is like “aaaah!” Arsinoe is captured, right, and Caesar’s like “Sike,
Romans, kill him”. So he’s like “oh, this
mother(beep)er right here. What a bad friend”. Then he runs to the Nile
river and he drowns, so he dies anyway. – Anyway. (laughter) – So then Caesar has Arsinoe. He’s so (beep)ing happy
because she has embarrassed him and that’s how fragile
his male ego was. Cleopatra’s mad but
she’s like “yo”. She’s like “yo”
like she’s like “yo, take her little ass
to Rome, I’m done”. So Caesar tries to bring Arsinoe through Rome and the colosseum. His plan is to
(beep)ing strangle her. And Rome is like “we’re
not (beep)ing with you (beep)ing with
this little girl”. And Caesar’s like “I
wanna strangle the (beep) out of her in the
middle of the street”. Everybody in the
colosseum was like “you’re wack, you’re wack”. So then Caesar is like fine, just get the (beep)
out of my face”. So Caesar being embarrassed, he sends her to Artemis’ temple. So her life as a priestess. So we fast forward to 41 B.C.
and Cleopatra’s still mad. She thinks that her sister
will get revenge on her so Cleopatra sends assassins
and she’s like “yo, go kill my little
sister that is like 21”. And the assassins come and they strangle
Arsinoe and she dies. – Wow. – Yeah. This girl was 11 and
overthrew Julius Caesar. At 11 she outsmarted
Julius Caesar. I think that’s fascinating. Moral of the story, don’t
sleep on your siblings. – Does that mean don’t
(beep) your brother? – And that too, don’t
(beep) your brother either. That should be a given. – It should be. – Oh my god! (laughter)

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