Any Poll’s a Goal


2010. Pop starlet Justin Bever’s at the height of her popularity. Everybody wants a piece. From all around the world people are demanding the biebs. Young women are the worst offenders everybody had Bieber fever But the question was, where should he tour first? His expert marketing team had a solution. They said “Hey Justin,” “let’s put it to a poll.” Vote for your country, and if you win, we’ll send Bieber there. You need to vote mate. You know what happened to to fucking girl power zig-a-zig-ah. So the poll opens, and so do the threads Useful ideas are thrown around Until a good one finally emerges. Let’s do it. A strategy to make North Korea great again was devised, and only a few hours later, They were rising in the poll. It passes Sweden, Chile, Spain Lads, this is getting interesting. Colombia, Turkey, Poland are all pushed out. Just one left. Best Korea does it again, by the end of the week they were declared the winner. North Korea was waiting with open arms and everyone was celebrating (yay!) But then, the marketing team was down, so they shut down the contest. Beliebers in North Korea were heartbroken but look At least a valuable lesson was learnt about online polls, And this was the first and last mistake ever made with them. 2012 Pitbulls marketing team has a brilliant idea. As a promotion for Walmart they want to start an online poll. Ok ok ok Pitbull. Their North Korea thing, that was a mistake. So instead, let’s make it more local. We’ll send you anywhere, but Within the country. Hah. Take that trolls. North Korea is off the table Naturally, the threads start, and the lads started thinking through the problem. They were listening to Pitbulls latest track “Give Me Everything” which features the line “yeah, right, picture that with a Kodak. Or, better yet, go to Times Square Take a picture of me With a Kodak.” the lyrical ingeniousness of the rhyming scheme intrigues them (!) What could it mean? Kodak. Camera. Cameras have shutters. Shutters are also blinds. Blind? Blinding lights. Light is electromagnetic energy. Electromagnetic energy causes aurora borealis Where can you get the aurora borealis in the United States? of course… Kodiak, Alaska It’s all linked. The remotest Walmart in the entire country. A place that was Isolated and dangerous enough, that hopefully he wouldn’t return the voting began and Kodiak, Alaska was the clear winner Celebrations all round. However, this time, Walmart just went sure ¯_(ツ)_/¯ We’ll give him some bear mace, he’ll be fine. So he went, and he turned the whole thing completely around And got some good publicity out of it too, well done. The score was one all Later that year Taylor Swift’s marketing team had an original idea But, they weren’t going to some frozen wasteland, and they weren’t going to North Korea Ha. We’ll go to the safest place in the whole world. An American school. Take that trolls, let’s see you find some way to ruin THIS wholesome experience. Over at headquarters people are already working on the problem. Their solution? The Horace Mann School for The Deaf. Other schools are fighting hard to win, But they’re no match for the Russian bots. Soon, the competition was closed and Horace Mann had won handily. Getting nearly 25 times as many votes as the school in second place. Trailer said, “I’m not doing it,” But then gave them a check instead for a total of $50,000, and that should have been the end of it. But then… Taylor’s marketing team had one more great idea. Let’s do another poll! No, no Trailer. This time, it’ll be great. KISS FM’s biggest Swiftie fan in the universe competition. You won’t have to go anywhere ridiculous. You only have to meet one fan. Absolutely nothing can go wrong. Enter stage left, Charles Z. The appropriately aged fans never stood a chance When manual voting wasn’t enough, they enlisted the help of bots, quickly bringing him into first place. Soon, he had so many votes there was no way he could lose, and everybody at HQ was celebrating (yay!) but then… someone snitched Some kill-joy sent an email to the competition runners and explained how the voting system was being rigged. It was promptly shut down. Charles would never meet his idol. In the aftermath, the media was unnecessarily cruel to Mr. Z Outraged, an online petition was formed, but it went nowhere. But you can’t keep a good man down. He was gonna get the Taylor Swift experience, one way or another. He thanked his supporters, and that was the end of it. It took many mistakes, But a valuable lesson was finally learnt about the internet, and running online polls, and they have never been attempted again. The end. Okay, I call this the Philip DeFranco challenge. It’s so much harder than it looks. Try to get the hand gestures as well. And that’s where I’m gonna end today’s show remember if you like this video and like what I try to do on this channel Do it like that like button if you’re new here hit that subscribe button also make sure you hit that little bell check so you Cangeta notification when we upload these daily video. Actually, if you did miss yesterday’s video you want to click a tab right there To do so well well watch there well if you’re looking for something laid back in your bits- fuck something called My name is Philip DeFranco. You’ve been phill’d hollow phase, I’ll see you tomorrow Nailed it. One take.

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