AMY LOGAN ◾ Post Mormon Life (Faith Crisis)

Amy I’m so happy to have you on the
podcast I’ve watched a lot of your YouTube videos and I just love what
you’re doing and it looks like you’ve been doing this for how many years now
this seems like it’s been quite a while I think I started my youtube channel in
2012 and I did it for quite a few years but I I think I took a little break I
didn’t really know what I wanted to do with it quite yet so I put out quite a
few videos and I kind of stopped and did it slowly and then about a year and a
half ago maybe two years ago I’ve been hitting it pretty consistently okay yeah
yeah that’s awesome I was just like I was like wow she’s got a lot of content
and I definitely have a lot of questions and I want to know more about your
backstory and as I said in the I’m gonna make sure to share with everybody that
you are and a life coach that specializes in you know people who have
left specifically the Mormon Church but I
think you work with people who have left all kind of religions right yeah I do
all and I’ve worked with yeah every religion I mean because we also sing a
similar song right we yes I mean is the same it’s it’s such a similar process
that we all go through when your blinders kind of come off and so yeah I
bet you’re just helping so many people because I’ve thought a lot about like
about how many people are now leaving the church and actually leaving a lot of
religions right now and how scary it can be and how you know you go through the
dark night of the soul there’s so much that is very scary and and you need I
think it’s it you definitely need some counseling some coaching somebody who
has gone before you to walk you through it too to even just say don’t worry
everything’s gonna be okay it’s actually gonna be amazing just give it some time
you know I just remember when I first left I didn’t actually know how many
research sources there were available to me and which is crazy right it’s
actually not that easy to find I I didn’t find
Mormon stories podcast for a while it wasn’t like I don’t know why it was so
difficult to find exactly what I felt like I needed or was looking for it at
the time but all right no not Mormon stories because Mom and stories really
helped me come to the decision to leave the church but it was more of like the
resources that they offer like faith what is it called Mormon faith
transitions I think we give a lot more advice on what to do in different
situations what to do when you’re feeling this and how to process this and
all that which you you need a lot of help you know when I went through it so
mine started about 2006 and so this was like pre CES letter I think John was
just getting going with his Mormon stories podcast and it’s the whole
reason I started my youtube channel of course it was quite a few years later
because I was too much in the thick of just experiencing what you have no idea
what you’re experiencing here just pre falling like I like to call it but it
didn’t seem like there as many resources then and of course especially as a woman
like I didn’t know I didn’t when I did see something I didn’t see a lot of
faces that look like mine being a woman and I saw a lot of guys leaving the
church but not as many women when I did start my youtube channel I just thought
because there are many nights where I would be crying at 2:00 or 3:00 in the
morning and just feeling so alone because not too many people knew you
know knew what I was going through you kind of go through it privately for
quite a while at least I did yeah but when I finally did that I thought I just
need someone some woman at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning when they’re sobbing to
be able to go to YouTube and Google I don’t even know why or whatever you put
in the you know YouTube yeah yeah a soul searching girl and I kind of that was
kind of like that was my website at the time and all of that and yeah I just
wanted I didn’t know what I was gonna do with it all and I just felt this it’s
kind of this thing like when we go through this we want to be able to turn
around and two handed the people coming behind us
and so that’s why my youtube channel started and just to be a voice to be
that’s all I need yeah I need and I didn’t see too many
people like me and like I said 2006 it’s just the internet wasn’t I mean it was
still the internet like yeah to new order Mormon I think it’s not order got
that and it was a place where you could go anonymously it was like a forum and
you could post questions and I was so scared to even ask questions cuz you
know how we’re taught like don’t read out to handle literature don’t tell
Mormons like this whole thing and I felt I didn’t know what else to do I’m like
but I’m reading all the sin I had started on my research you know work
yeah I was just consuming so much information that I felt like you know I
said masters now it Mormon history but there’s wonderful resources yeah I
actually really am fascinated with the people that have left so long ago like
you and John I’m just like wow like you guys are so amazing
you you caught on so quickly so much sooner than we did it’s like now I just
kind of feel silly that I felt were it for so long and I didn’t even question
things I kind of just feel silly though I was like why didn’t I ever question
that why didn’t I ever think maybe this isn’t true you know maybe I should look
into it oh and so oh yeah I’ve seen about saying
I think I was saying 3637 so you know the same and I think it’s because woman
we could have come into our own I think yeah lemis 20s are great but 30s so she
when you start having kids or something and so mine started my kids were I have
two boys and they were I don’t know how old they were their two years apart but
in the beginning when it was just the two boys I was I couldn’t think of
anything because I’m just trying to breathe everyday you know yes eventually
my brain starts to wander I had doubts for years so even 2006 when I say like
my as part of my faith crisis began it was
years before that where I just I was like something’s not right something not
right I don’t feel good about this you know and that’s when I go to my bishop
and that’s when my bishop said your doubts are of the devil sayings trying
to influence you and I’m like but I’m just like a good girl like I didn’t know
I was this I just tried to be a very good Mormon girl my whole entire life
and so to be told that I was like so that was one thing that was so confusing
for me because I always believed that if you are doing all the things that you’re
taught that you should be doing that Satan has no power over you you can’t be
influenced by Satan but then I’m like that then why am I feeling this way why
am I having these doubts I’m doing everything that I know how to do I have
a temple recommend I follow the word of wisdom I do everything I feel like I can
do to be protected from the influence of Satan so if I’m having these thoughts in
these doubts then that makes no sense I thought that I was supposed to be
protected from that or or they then they contradict themselves constantly and
they say well it’s because you are so righteous that Satan is working even
harder on you like okay like none of this makes any I just was so scared and
then I thought something’s wrong with me something must be wrong with me because
you know you sit in your average Mormon word there’s so many amazing smart
wonderful people right and I’m like they’re smarter than me yeah and so then
then I did that I’m like well maybe I just don’t have enough faith I need to
try harder you know and of course I think I went to two or three bishops
over the course of this time as we moved from different wards and
stuff and and they would inevitably say cuz I would always go when I needed my
temple recommend yeah yeah and the first bishop who told me I was being
influenced by Satan he gave me the temple recommend and just said you know
and and I didn’t have any information at that point like I hadn’t started my
research I just didn’t feel right and polygamy was my issue that’s
the thing that got me down okay all right I’d read D and C 132 and I’m
like but look what it says here I’m this isn’t right you know yeah kind of that
and then eventually when I went through my faith crisis and then I went to the
bishop at the time who okay I he said you know read your book of Mormon pray
harder all of those types of things and then it was my he didn’t recommend but
then it was the third bishop where I’m like I’m gonna answer all of these
questions honestly and it was after the third question he just closed the temple
recommend book and put it down I was like I’m trying to be honest about this
right yeah and so I didn’t get the temple recommend and he to this was the
third bishop and he told me no I want you to go home and read the book of
Mormon and come back and talk to me I was like oh no wow I never really
thought of what that would feel like I’ve never because I never once I
discovered you know these things and was kind of made the choice on my own it was
like within a week we’re like we are done like we never went back to church
and we never even explained ourselves we never talked to the bishop or big
president or anyone so I never would have I never really imagined what it
would have been like if I had had to have gone through a temple recommend
interview and tell them I don’t know if I can sustain the Prophet you know yeah
and you believe in Joseph Smith and then to be denied the temple recommend like
how did like how did that feel it’s like a big F on your forehead yeah
yeah but I was I was married at the time and my husband and my he’s now my
ex-husband but he’s still very devout member and he was at the time and so our
kids or write about baptism age that was kind of those years and of course we’re
getting I kept thinking I’ll get this figured out so it’s not gonna hurt to
get them baptized you know and I didn’t want to make that I didn’t want I just
didn’t know I felt like I had default to my husband who was the
priesthood holder even though I was not true but I felt like well this is what I
agreed to when we got married you know our kids were born in the Covenant that
whole thing and so I thought well I’m trying to figure this out I’ll just kind
of keep going through the motions yeah so I would go you know I was teaching a
calling and I was a moral adviser and I remember when I when the words started
coming out of my mouth that were just more liberal than what I knew would be
acceptable and it wasn’t anything crazy but it you know like it should be
enjoyed and then I have to add in the when you’re married like we’re so weird
about that in the church and I don’t want them to go and I just thought okay
I shouldn’t be here because this is and so I didn’t go to at that point I was so
out mentally that I was like I’m not going to the bishop to tell him I don’t
want to teach I’m just I took my manual and I went one Sunday and I thought this
is the last day and I I wrote a letter to my animal mr. president I just said
here’s my stuff this is my last day really good to be like no I’m not gonna
go and say okay they’ll find someone we need you to keep teaching yeah that was
when they I felt they have no control over me anymore like I don’t go through
those you know proper channels yeah like I know I’m making this decision that was
probably like a very empowering moment I can do this I can do this you don’t
realize you have that choice because you don’t realize all the conditioning and I
remember in that same ward when I’d gone through this and like walking past the
primary kids and they’re singing follow the Prophet and I’m thinking oh my gosh
that is conditioning here we’re team you know our babies at three years old as
little sunbeams and on that path and they’re just hearing and it’s
everything’s repetition everything is it’s just kind of like we don’t even see
it because you’re just in it right matrix you’re in there you’re just
things yeah so when you start to you know have that moment like the Truman
moment in The Truman Show like my favorite I just was like oh my gosh so
you just see things from just such a different perspective yeah you know
what’s funny I when we first left it was like a few maybe it’s like a month after
people were saying you know once we started meeting other people they were
like you need to watch The Truman Show so we watched the Truman Show and I had
to tell my husband to turn it off like it was so triggering for me at that
moment during that initial stage I had no idea I was living in The Truman Show
you know you know we accept the reality in which we were presented and I’m like
yep that reality of mormonism is what I was presented with and I just believed
it because I didn’t know there was another option like there’s another
option at all you taught that like you said the repetition and now looking back
I’m like oh my gosh that is brainwashing it’s like no wonder why I thought why
was it so boring why wasn’t there anything ever knew that we were being
taught was always the same thing every Sunday every week over and over and over
and I hated it but it’s like the purpose was to solidify all those beliefs a
young age so that you never can think otherwise right so strong in your brain
you can’t even think anything else well and that’s why it hurts it so you’re
familiar with that work and all that I think that’s exactly what my life
coaching is about because those neural pathways that are in our brain are so
deep and that is what’s happening when you are being conditioned religiously
yeah a belief is just a thought on repeat and so when you go again and
again and again and again to all of your church meetings in life because you know
Mormon is life’s Mormonism is the lifestyle it is deep and so that’s it
hurts not just physically I mean not just emotionally but physically that’s
your brain to like that paradigm shift my gosh it’s painful because it is
painful like yeah it is physical I felt the physical effects of it and I had no
idea how power how powerful it was in my in my mind that it could cause physical
symptoms you know like I couldn’t eat I could barely breathe my mouth was like
cotton for four days and it was just crazy the the effects that you know
trying to to switch things up trying to believe something different how it can
be so challenging for the brain that it causes physical symptoms but you know
because your whole eternity is based on this belief yes and so it’s how your
life yeah so for me I remember so 2006 is when my faith crisis started and then
I read rough stone rolling that was the first book I read and then I just
started collecting books and reading everything I could and trying to get
everything I could online and I had that moment I I came home one day of course
I’m driving you know my kids around and my minivan do you know it was definitely
the whole is stereotypical yeah he was my life were you living in Utah ever you
know but you don’t know no yes I don’t know like I grew up here I live in
Huntington Beach California and okay that’s where I grew up I’d the day after
I graduated from high school loaded up and our huge big maxi van and drove me
to BYU uh-huh where Utah I stayed until just this past January when we moved
back to Oh 30 years I spent 30 years in Utah Wow and yeah and my husband’s
family was off from there and you know we had our kids and we built our dream
home and like the whole thing out there and mm-hmm I don’t think people
understand that when you leave it and if you don’t have a spouse that leaves it
with you you know it’s I mean it’s life-changing anyway and then add that
so couples who have that dynamic where one stays in one leaves
yeah I do want to know a little bit more about that but are we skipping ahead too
much well I just talked about the time when I knew okay yeah
oh so I pulled into my and I like I said I was consuming whatever I could like I
lived drank breathed you know Mormon history at that point and I came into my
you know holding to my driveway pulled into my garage shut the door the kids
are at school and I just sat in my car and I have the moment where
I couldn’t stop crying I realized to my core that it wasn’t what I thought it
was you know and I was a full believer hook line sinker the whole thing every
decision like even to go to BYU like I didn’t I didn’t even apply to any other
school like you’re just supposed to go to BYU right yeah yeah yeah and every
decision even when I majored in you know my graduate from college with a degree
in secondary ed and I before well because that was a good safe career to
have right if something happened to my husband yeah but go back to teach and it
was a good thing to mold around my kids life and yeah and so I just had that
that experience and somehow I got myself out of my car into my family room and I
just fell on the floor and literally wanted the earth to swallow me up like I
just thought that would be so much easier mm-hmm and I don’t even know
what’s coming but I knew that getting swallowed up would be easier yeah
because gave me the chills because I know that feeling
it’s like it’s so consuming and to kind of you know how people I don’t know I
don’t want to say all people are dismissive but when you’re going through
such a traumatic experience I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under
me I just felt I didn’t know any like I didn’t know anything anymore and my
husband who was still a believer and here we’d raised our beautiful boys in
this faith and everyone I knew was Mormon you know I lived in Utah and I
lived in South Utah County and it was just like
I didn’t know anyone who wasn’t Mormon if I did they were acquaintances
acquaintances from high school on Facebook no one that I enter listened
and I think it’s a different thing to like I’ve I’ve met people that you know
we’re raised Mormon but right after high school they just didn’t really like
latch on to it and it’s a different experience because I don’t think they
ever really chose to follow it you know they’re just going because their parents
do but they never really independently chose to believe it and follow it so
they don’t experience the same traumatic experience that we do when we’ve totally
decided yes this is absolutely true and I’m going to follow it I’m going to
raise my family in it you know so it’s different than you know for people that
have erasing it and then just never really all my sisters that’s the case
with all my sisters they just never really so they never experienced the
dark night of the soul they never experienced any of that like what’s the
big deal I’m like it’s a big deal everything so I was married at 20 you
know the whole thing I did we did go too slowly waited to have kids we waited to
have kids and then they just my first decided to wait another three years so
we went through kind of infertility for a while too but which isn’t a whole
other story when you can’t get pregnant and everyone’s asking you as a Mormon
yes two years you should be kicking out another baby you know yeah yeah and so I
felt very alone like I I would go to church and I would sit there and I would
kind of look around wishing there would be some like secret code that we can at
least look at each other I’m feeling we can talk like no way of knowing nobody
will talk about it either we’re all too afraid yeah it’s too scary and so I
would sit in Sunday school and they would be talking about some apostate you
know in the lesson some terrible hoste and i was like talking about me like you
know under cover so to speak and so that whole process i just slowly stopped
going once I once I stopped teaching I just kind of slowly stopped going so I
would just go to sacrament with my family come home make like a fun brunch
so when I went it when my husband and the kids came home
nice meal for them yeah doesn’t make up for it yeah did you skip over any parts
where did you tell your husband or did that not happen yet like um yeah I did
and I remember I was listening to John delenn at the time and consuming a lot
of that information and he was really a lifeline to me at that point not quite
as big as he is now but oh but he did have the podcast it was just brand new
at the time okay you’ve probably been doing that under a year maybe I don’t
know when he’s 30 that’s how did you find it
how did you know that it would apply to what you were going through because it’s
just called Mormon stories yeah I heard of him in a website called new order
Mormon okay where I could go post anonymously and he would be there in
discussions but he was using his real name like I had a I had a you know I
think at the time I my name was wondering why like he could pick an
avatar yeah yeah it’s so scary to be public about it I did talk to my husband
but I felt like it was a little bit like well it’s gonna be okay you don’t we
don’t have to practice polygamy it will all work itself out later like yeah I
didn’t listen to this like this you know and he didn’t interpret it the same way
I did and for me I’m like I don’t know how people can make this work yes a lot
of people do and that was for me I was like this if this wasn’t real or didn’t
happen the way it was presented to us then this isn’t true and then this isn’t
true and that yeah because it’s not just about oh yeah that’s your opinion that’s
your belief that’s great but you have kids together and do you really that’s
gonna cause some conflict you know especially when you’re aware of the
brainwashing and you’re like and the damaging parts of the beliefs you’re
like I don’t want my kids to so then it’s like this whole new thing where
you’re just like it’s not as easy as just oh yeah like that’s fine you know
you don’t have to believe what I believe you know it just doesn’t work that way
when you have a family where you you took it so serious like I was so you
know I was primary president a few times that was young women’s prison and a few
I’m very active and all my colonies everything that I did so it’s not like I
just did church kind of yeah it was all in and so to to have that crisis is it
really is it’s a crisis and so the crisis part doesn’t last forever but
then you have to start thinking about well what do I believe what do I want to
do how do I want to raise my kids and then when we weren’t on the same page
you know it was a little difficult yeah 2009 I had my name removed from the
records and I know that’s a very personal decision for everybody but for
me I felt like every decision I’ve made in the church was based on what they
thought I should do and remove my name felt like I’m deciding this yeah I mean
the power back I get to make this decision I can do for that was very
freeing for me yeah and like I I loved both
perspectives on either removing your name well I guess there’s three ways of
doing it there’s removing your name or just keeping it on there or getting
excommunicated like being and I see all different views like I we chose to get
our names removed like within a month after realizing that we did not believe
in it anymore and because we just were like we don’t
want to be contacted by the church we don’t want people thinking oh they’re
just going through a phase we didn’t want our family thinking we were going
through a phase yeah we didn’t want we just didn’t want to associate our we
didn’t want our names to be associated as Mormons anymore we were just like
100% no way we are not doing this they’re not gonna have any of our
information we don’t want missionaries knocking on our door we don’t want
people from the ward calling us and so that was our our reasoning and then and
I think it’s I understand why people have to keep their names on for the sake
of family members and all that and so that makes sense
to me but some people just don’t think about it and they don’t remove their
names but I’m like we try to encourage people to remove their names it’s like
so easy you go to quit Mormon calm and if it’s if it’s something that you feel
is okay to do accordant you know for the rest of your family it’s not going to
stir things up or hurt people like your parents or whatever it’s like if there’s
really not a lot if you feel like you have that you can make that choice
without really you know stressing out any relationships and I say do it
because I don’t want the church counting more people in the church than is
actually in the church you know they love to embellish the numbers and they
love to say yes like it’s how many members we have but I’m like first of
all how many of them are active second of all how many of them have actually
left the church but just having gone to quit Mormon calm yet mm-hmm but yeah and
so that’s what we try to encourage like just go to quit Mormon his dream of your
name okay feels so good and I just a lot of my clients that I work with that is
an issue because they’re afraid they’re gonna hurt someone’s feelings and yeah
the philosophy behind the coaching that I do has a lot of like we don’t house
people’s feelings yes there’s something really empowering
when you can make a decision and know that they’re having those thoughts and
feelings because of the beliefs that they have so that’s attached to you know
what’s gonna happen to you because now you’re you know if you remove your name
you’re really out of this forever and mm-hmm
of course they’re gonna have thoughts and feelings because it’s in the context
of what they believe yeah but you get to have your own autonomy too and you don’t
believe that anymore and they’re gonna have to work through so I do a lot of
that work with my client that’s helpful because yeah I I think people do need
coaching around that because it seems so scary for a lot of people to do that
official you know so scary but there’s something so empowering if that’s
important to you to end to go down that route for sure you can get there mm-hmm
your don’t do time but yeah it’s it’s still a bit of control then we’re giving
the power to someone else’s thoughts yeah yeah and like same with like being
excommunicated we did not want them to call us in and for us to share our
doubts and our questions and then for to take the power and say well then
we’re kicking you out you know but I also see it as a weight you know like
John Dylan you know has a really awesome way of describing it as like a badge of
honor you know because you are putting
yourself through that I think for the for the purpose of helping others like
proving to others in a way that I did everything I could I ask them these
questions they couldn’t answer them so that I think I can see how that can be
helpful for a lot of other people like I’m willing to go through the process I
want you to ask me why I’m having doubts I want to ask my questions and I want to
hear your answers you know and then when they can’t answer them
you’re like or they give you the token response well you just gotta have faith
it’s like a but I don’t know how much we should be blindly following I mean so
many people can be taken advantage of if we use that teaching in our everyday
life you know just blindly follow it’s okay it’ll all make sense in the end marginalizing yeah your experience is
just I mean that’s what I always say like your family if they choose to stay
you get to choose to leave and whatever that looks like you get to own you know
you get to that’s the empowering part is you get to make that decision and going
back to what I said earlier when you have made every decision in your life
according to what the church wants you to do mm-hmm so good yeah yeah I like
that yeah it’s a really amazing journey like I am so thankful for it now again I
literally thought I was going through hell when I wanted the earth to swallow
me up but I’m like how to do this but like giddy through it into the other
side I was able to just set down my shame and guilt about things that I’d
done or thought about not thought about doing but just like I get to decide for
myself yeah what’s the best feeling there’s not a decision I’m making now
based on fear because I had to do something mm-hmm I get to be
you know my thoughts and feelings are so valid and in whatever it is I want to do
in life and so as hard as it is I’m so thankful for it yeah so did that do you
think that was what the cause of your divorce was yeah I chose to leave yeah
you know I kind of look I had a two-year period but I kind of call it a
free-falling I didn’t know what to do and I just felt like I wanted to get
away from everything and all things Foreman mm-hmm and I had even thought of
leaving my children to like it would be easier to just let their dad raise them
stay in that like they he’s a he’s a good man he’s a good father my kids love
him he’s I mean and eventually we got to the place where we parented together but
there was more I just saw I just I don’t want to do any of this yeah and I think
part of that is too because this is the psychological part behind it when you
see that your whole life was controlled by this way of thinking and you’ve never
made a decision I mean yes we’re always free to choose whatever but you know the
best in kind making all the decisions I’m like every I don’t even know what
decisions I want to make any more like would I have even been a mom like what I
have chosen that and it sounds crazy because of course I have my boys and I
love them more than anything in the world but but to not have the freedom to
know that that was even a choice for me because you’re taught that to be a
mother is the most wonderful thing that you you know thing you can do mm-hmm I
never dawned on me you know like wait people choose what yeah I mean that’s
how fundamental it all was to me I’m like I don’t even know what is up from
down right now and so it can really play with your mind psychologically to feel
you feel betrayed you feel hurt you feel what’s up from down what’s right and
wrong like how do I know how do I now create morality for myself yeah my own
autonomy like what I want my I want to experience things that I’ve never
experienced I’m sure there’s a a natural therapist can talk about the
actual process in the brain and what happens but yeah that needing some
freedom for sure was part of yeah what I sometimes I like to look at like a post
Mormon experience in the eyes of me as a Mormon and what would I have thought you
know and I would have thought that oh you’re just prideful like you’re just
not good at being obedient you think you’re smarter than God smarter than the
Prophet and now it’s just crazy my mentality shift around that and like
gosh that’s crazy that we believe that taking your own power making your own
decisions and and like choosing for yourself was a sign of hide fulness and
lack of the submission and obedience and now I’m like wow like I can’t believe
that I was so conditioned to believe how important it was to just keep your mouth
shut and be obedient be obedient you are not smarter than God and it’s
just crazy now because I I really believe that we are all God in a way you
know in a sense I love how like Wayne Dyer describes as
maybe we’re all God you know it which still makes sense because it’s like we
are all in my mind a part of God we’re a piece of God so we are all gone we are
all one we all come from the same source I always say you are your own authority
and in Mormonism that’s not what you’re taught mm-hm and to be my own authority
means I get to make decisions on the research I do when the feeling I get
personally that I’m not just handing that over to my priesthood leaders to be
my authority in the ass they’ll say oh but you get to tell personal revelation
but if the personal revelation doesn’t line up with the checklist of things
you’re supposed to do yeah then what are you left with
it’s just like that’s where I feel like there’s so much contradicting teachings
in the church because we’re like yeah but you know like trust follow the
Prophet trust in the Prophet your your priesthood leaders because
they are called of God but then you hear of you know like fish what’s his name
the MTC mission president so Bishop what’s his yeah what’s
something bishop yeah okay Joseph Bishop yeah no it’s like when I first heard of
that story it was so shocking for me because I was so in such a bubble that I
trusted that and all these men I didn’t hear of all the sexual abuse stories
that I hear of now since Shawn came out publicly about his story and I’m just
blown away because I was sitting in such a bubble that I I just believed 100%
that these men are called of God and they trust them and then so you’re
you’re told that but then like when when you hear of stories that like um you
know of any sexual abuser or of a bishop doing something that you know gave bad
advice or something even that is something so little like that
you were always told like well they are men you know I’m like well then why are
we trusting them with our lives you know if they’re just the same as me you know
and then or or you can receive your own personal revelation but it’s like like
you said but what if it doesn’t align with what the Church teaches then what
do we do should like conflicted yeah yeah it’s just a confusing time I
remember um when I would finally open up to a few friends you know one Leighton
Lee told me I was wrong mm-hmm and another one told me I had a chemical
imbalance oh yeah no just like I mean there were a lot who just like I love
you like my best friend who I confided in I was living in Springville at the
time and we had our two little kids together and I just said I don’t know
Heidi I just have these doubts I don’t know where they’re coming from and she
was a full believing Mormon and I was to by all intents and purposes and at that
time I hadn’t done any research this was like
this was probably like 2003 so just like down so I’m like no she’s like I love
you don’t worry about it we’re you know oh it’s good and and then in a good
loving way and she she’s actually one that years later called me it was like
Amy you’re right your gut feeling was right and she was going she was in her
full-blown Wow that’s when I started writing down all these books to read and
like okay high 36 I’m giving myself permission I’m an
adult you know I am an adult woman who has a family you know a husband in a
home and like all the things and and I just thought if the church is true so I
thought well prove a truth right she might scared right now I’ll go do the
proving I’ll read this I’ll figure it out and obviously there is no possible
way of proving it true that’s why we’re taught so deeply ingrained from
childhood that you just got to have faith because they know their answers
don’t exist and that’s what I I’m you know in my whole understanding around
faith is also something that has changed completely I used to think face was just
blindly follow the Prophet and what they’re teaching but now I’ve realized
you know after experiencing the dark night of the soul which I’m sure you
understand is the same way I described faith is just trusting that there is a
purpose to life and that everything will work out like that’s all faces to me no
it’s not follow the Prophet follow these teachings it’s just trust that
everything is okay and there is a greater purpose to life yeah exactly and
I think that will trust cuz a lot of my plants will they’re like well how do I
trust myself again and you trust yourself again by trusting yourself
again like even though you betrayed you just you just keep trusting yourself
start with the smaller things right and eventually you feel your confidence
gains again but yeah you do feel smack down for sure yeah and then yeah you do
lose that trust in yourself I understand what you’re saying but I also have come
to a realization that my experience in the church is exactly
the way it’s supposed to be as hard as it was and how deceived I feel and how
angry I feel at times I just can’t deny that that was my path because I’ve
learned so much through that process so even though I was so converted so
convicted and realized and thought it was so true and I devoted my life to I
served a mission got married in the temple all those things I still don’t
regret any of it because the lessons and the experiences that I’ve had since
leaving I would not have had these experience the opposite of what it feels
like to have that liberation that freedom the power you know yeah I feel
thankful yeah as hard as it was just everything you said but I think I don’t
think I would have changed because the perspective that that has given me more
compassionate I’m less judgmental I am more open to life and experiencing
things and knowing that because I used to really worry a lot like worried about
everything right yeah and now I just believe worries of prayer for chaos all
that does is you know worried in your head spinning and and now I just I feel
like I’m a lot less stressed you know I just even my Mormon people like I my
family’s still Mormon I have one brother who’s left but everyone else is still
Mormon and you know Mormon people are great people yeah but I think that’s the
wit that sometimes that’s a struggle because we’re like we get so frustrated
with the church yeah all love people who are still in it and so it’s this strange
I even find myself even though I’m thankful for my faith crisis and all
that it’s taught me like I want to protect like just it’s good like the
Dare experience in it is just like mine was like it was fine and it was needed
at the time so you can’t force people to you go through an awakening sooner than
they’re ready no cuz you won’t I feel this like I gotta help everybody out but
it’s like let’s calm down ready yeah I think I’m sure
people over the course of my 36 years of life someone must have said something at
some point or I hear someone leaving the church it’s like you really don’t see it
until it’s time for you to see it yeah maybe you are planting some seeds you
know like like by us being vocal about this on social media it’s not and it’s
not so much our purpose is not so much to to just tear down the church and like
pull people out it’s just we’re sharing our experience for the people that are
coming after us right and we know that more and more people are coming after us
it’s inevitable it’s happening like in by the hundreds weekly probably leaving
the church so we know there is a need for us to be vocal about it so some
people just look at us like oh my gosh they just can’t move on I’m like no it’s
like we realized that how hard this was for us and there is a huge need for
people to be outspoken about such things because otherwise they feel low and they
feel crazy and that’s exactly how I felt and I I just look at the amount of
people who have left in this support that’s there now that wasn’t there all
those years ago and I just see this progress and it’s a beautiful thing yeah
to see how many people because it is scary to speak up you you I am sure you
probably hear all the things that I hear – of people keyboard warrior warriors
telling you how wrong you are yeah about it and all of those things
and it’s like they get to think that that’s fine I’m gonna I’m gonna stay the
course because I know that I know that you want to feel like you’re not alone
yeah reason I do what I do yes exactly and I am love what you’re
doing I’m so I just have so much respect for people that are willing to put
themselves out there and take the the negativity because it definitely comes
to us but we know we maintain focus on the need the people that need what we’re
doing so that’s what keeps us going that’s what keeps us confident in what
we’re doing and we don’t let those negative people get to us because we
know we know that we’re what they’re thinking because we were once there I
judge people too so I can’t be mad at them for hating on me because I
yeah they feel like they’re doing their missionary work like no like we’re
standing up for our church you know so it’s like we can’t be mad at them but it
does hurt and it’s hard you know it’s hard not to let it hurt but sometimes
sometimes I let it get to me but I still keep pushing forward because I know
there’s there’s such a need for people to be outspoken about this for for
people like us you know like 10 years ago you you needed people doing what
we’re doing so yeah and I think too we can leave the church but like my I have
one son who’s in and one who’s out and my son who’s in the church he just got
back from a mission and so I look at it as I have to do my part to be actively
taking my mental health about the church seriously and kind of because the
relationship I have with my son is far more important than like learning the
church down like no yeah I love my son in his own due time whatever his path is
yeah and I think that’s why a lot of us do this because we have family we have
people that we love and we’re like well we have to make this work yeah and yeah
I think that that’s one of the most valuable things you can offer people
leaving the church is how do we go on and coexist with the still believing
Mormons because we don’t want this to tear our family apart we want to just
live in a way where we can co-exist agree to disagree but still focus on
what matters most is and our love and relationship does not have to have
anything to do with our beliefs right there’s so much more to to our
relationship than well what do you believe happens after we die or what do
you believe about this it’s like why don’t we just set all that aside and
focus on our connection and I think that’s yeah exactly and that’s something
very valuable that you can offer people leaving the church and would actually
make for a much more peaceful life here as we continue out but thank you so much
again for being on my podcast and thank you for all the work that you’re doing
for people leaving the church because it’s definitely a need for it and so I
hope that anyone who’s listening to this who is fresh out and feels like so
scared hire a life coach or a therapist
somebody it is over hey through this yeah need help yeah
Amy Logan amy Logan was taken so I added life on there because this is
all about life yes okay Amy Logan and your YouTube
channel is called Logan I think it’s post warm in life but if you type an Amy
Logan ex-mormon okay yeah you got some great videos on there and I love it so
keep doing what you’re doing and I’m just so grateful for all your hard work
and for your boldness yeah feels good thank you so much well we’ll we’ll keep
in touch thanks so much

Comments 11

  • Amy! You are so articulate in describing a journey we share. Thank you for your voice.

  • This was fantastic! I follow both of you and your channels are very comforting to me.

  • I had hoped the $100 Billion secret stash the elite church leaders have hidden from the congregations would WAKE UP the entire church membership. But alas, members will not see until it is time for them to see. My awakening was traumatic. I went through shock. I felt stupid that I had ignored all my many promptings. But, I had been indoctrinated since birth to push my doubts aside. Plus, I was scared of the threats of eternal punishments if I questioned the Mormon God.

  • Thank you both, I really needed this❤️

  • Both of you are brave women. Doubts and questions are a good place to be. As you did your research and if you found out that the church was in fact true and what it claim to be you would still be a Mormon and a stronger one for it. Your motive and desire when doing your research was because you really really wanted it to be true. To be told doubts were from Satan is just horrible. Bishops should welcome the questions from their people in their wards because that means they really have a desire to learn and grow in their faith.

  • Amy’s great. Thanks for posting this. Her podcast just came out too. Exmormonology. Cheers

  • Such a fun interview Crystal! Thank you so much. I loved our time chatting and connecting in this way. It is my goal to help as many people as possible as the exodus of people leaving the church continues to grow and grow and grow. Love you guys!

  • you two need to collab again. so good. lets make a film

  • Pride keeps people Mormon, it takes some humility to think clearly.

  • I resigned 7 years ago about 2 months after i realized it was all a lie. I joined the church at 15 and I left when i was 50. 35 years gone so many decisions based on lies. The day I handed my letter to my Bishop I also handed him 6 others from family and friends. After hearing so many stories from Utah post Mormons I am so glad there are only a small number of LDS in the city I live in. Cambridge, Ontario, Canada. Our ward was split into 2 wards in 2004. I resigned in 2012 and in 2015 two became 1 again. The year I resigned the ward lost about 20 members from resignation. And a bunch more have just not returned. It's awful so many post Mormons lose so much just following the truth. I have no Mormon friends, i was deserted by them all. Luckily I found a whole bunch of new ones when I became a TBChristian.

  • Exactly! When we realize the truth, we also realize that our decisions that we made our whole life, were because of that church. For some, this can make them feel like they wasted their life by giving it to the church.

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