Al Capone Hid the Fact That He Was a Moron (feat. Joe Lo Truglio)


– OH, YEAH.
– WHY DON’T YOU DO A LITTLE REFILL? – WHEN I MOVED TO CHICAGO,
I STARTED, LIKE– OH, I WENT TO A PLACE,
THE OLD–THE GREEN MILL, AND YOU COULD SIT
AT AL CAPONE’S BOOTH, WHERE YOU COULD SEE
BOTH ENTRANCES. AND THE BARTENDER–
MY FRIEND RAN A PLACE, HE’D BE LIKE,
OH, LOOK BEHIND THE BAR, HERE’S TUNNELS–THERE’S TUNNELS
WHERE AL CAPONE USED TO GO. IT’S NOT SO MUCH
THAT HE JUST WAS RUTHLESSLY
KILLED PEOPLE, BUT HE WAS DUMB.
– [laughs] – HELLO, TODAY WE’RE GONNA TALK
ABOUT ALPHONSE CAPONE, A HOT-DOGGY-LIPPED
GANGSTER. [both chuckling] AL CAPONE WENT TO CHICAGO. WE’VE GOT MORE GUNS
AND MORE GUYS, MORE MONEY, AND FASTER CARS. SO IT WAS JUST LIKE,
OH, I GUESS WE’LL JUST TAKE OVER
THE CITY. IT WAS, LIKE,
REALLY THAT SIMPLE. PROHIBITION DELIVERED
THIS COUNTRY TO AL CAPONE, BOUND AND GAGGED. JUST THE LIQUOR
WAS SO LUCRATIVE, YOU KNOW, THAT THE MONEY JUST KEPT
PILING UP AND–THIS– LIKE, BECAME, LIKE, LITERALLY,
LIKE, A BILLIONAIRE. GUY WITH, LIKE, 90 I.Q.
PRETTY WEIRD. HE WAS THE MOST POWERFUL MAN.
EVERYONE KNEW IT. PRESS CONFERENCES
WOULD SAY LIKE, WHY AREN’T YOU
MADE MAYOR, AL? AND HE’D, LIKE, LAUGH. I’D RATHER JUST BE
IN THIS POSITION. WHY WOULD I BE MAYOR,
YOU KNOW? SO MANY RULES!
IT’S KIND OF BULL[bleep]. IT WAS LIKE, THEY WERE LOOKING
FOR A WAY TO TAKE HIM DOWN, AND, UH, HE NEVER CLAIMED
THAT HE HAD ANY INCOME. HERBERT HOOVER STEPPED IN
AND JUST SAID, LIKE, OKAY, WE’RE FINDING HIM GUILTY,
AND HERE’S THE STORY. GEORGE THE [bleep] NERD
IS IN ON IT. HIS BROTHER WAS BUSTED
FOR TAX EVASION, AND WE COULD GET AL CAPONE
ON TAX EVASION. ELIOT NESS WAS A “TREDSURY”–
TREASURY AGENT. HE SAID, LIKE, GEORGE,
YOU’RE GONNA [bleep] TESTIFY. HE DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT,
BECAUSE HE WAS LIKE, YEAH, [bleep] YOU. AL CAPONE IS MORE POWERFUL
THAN THE GOVERNMENT. THIS COMES DOWN
FROM UPSTAIRS. OKEY-DOKEY. IT WAS, LIKE,
REALLY THAT SIMPLE, YOU KNOW? SO, YOU KNOW,
YOU GOT THIS, LIKE, HOT-DOGGY-LIPPED, 90 I.Q.
[bleep] WEIRDO WHO’S JUST LIKE, HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THEM
AND SAY, ALL RIGHT, LET’S SAY
I MADE THIS MUCH MONEY OVER THIS PERIOD OF TIME,
AND I’LL PAY THIS KIND OF TAXES, AND I’LL PLEA BARGAIN,
AND HE HAD IT NEGOTIATED WHERE HE WAS GONNA
DO TWO YEARS IN PRISON. AND THEN THE JUDGE,
THEY SAID, LIKE, WE’RE NOT GONNA
ACCEPT YOUR PLEA, BUT WE’RE GONNA TAKE PART OF
YOUR PLEA THAT SAID YOU EARNED THIS MUCH MONEY
AND BUST YOU FOR TAXES, AND–AND SENTENCE YOU
TO 11 YEARS IN PRISON, SO… WHOA, WHAT THE [bleep]?
I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL HERE? THEY PUT HIM AWAY. THAT’S WHEN THEY STARTED
GIVING HIM LIKE, YOU KNOW, MEDICAL TESTS AND PSYCH TESTS
AND STUFF, AND THAT’S– YOU KNOW, ‘CAUSE REALLY,
THEY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HIM. OH, HE’S GOT A 95 I.Q.
HE’S NOT THAT SMART. HE’S THIS BIG, WEIRD
[bleep] MOOK. OH, YOU GOT A 90 I.Q.,
BUT YOU SURE KNEW WHO TO KILL, AND THAT’S PRETTY SMART.
[laughs] OH, AND HE STARTED
PEEING PUS WHEN HE WAS
[bleep] 18 YEARS OLD AND HE DIDN’T [bleep] SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT IT. [cough]
SYPHILIS. [cough]
SYPHILIS. [both laughing] HE JUST IGNORED PUS COM–
COMING OUT OF HIS [bleep]. [laughs]
I MEAN, RIGHT? GAH, PUS IS COMING OUT
OF MY [bleep]! WHAT IS IT?
NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I’M GONNA STOP THINKING
ABOUT IT. GOOD IDEA.
[laughs] HEY, AL, HOW ABOUT
ONE PENICILLIN SHOT? NOPE.
LET’S IGNORE IT. AND, YOU KNOW,
HE’S AFRAID OF NEEDLES, AND SYPHILIS
ROTS HIS BRAIN. SOON AFTER, HE BECOMES
A [bleep] BABBLING IDIOT. DO YOU KNOW HE–HIS–HE WANTED
HIS NICKNAME TO BE “SNORKY”? [laughs]
I WANT TO BE CALLED “SNORKY.” WE’RE GONNA CALL YOU
“SCARFACE.” NO, I WANT TO BE CALLED
“SNORKY.” BUT WHEN HE GOT OUT OF JAIL, HE REALLY QUICKLY
WANDERED AWAY INTO, LIKE, A IDIOT WHO WOULD, LIKE,
PUT A FISHING POLE INTO HIS, LIKE,
POOL IN HIS BACKYARD, LIKE, HOPING TO CATCH FISH.
[laughs] I IMAGINE THEY JUST
MADE COMMENTS LIKE, HEY, WHY IS HE FISHING
IN HIS OWN POOL? WELL,
HE’S A SYPHILITIC MORON. SYPHILITIC MORON?
WHAT’S THAT? IT’S A GUY WHO HAS HAD
A PORTION OF HIS BRAIN EATEN AWAY BY HIS OWN
[bleep] PUS. HE–HE’S [bleep] UP. HE’S–HE’S A MORON.
HE’S LIKE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD. WOW, BECAUSE HE HAD SEX
WITH WHORES AND GOT, LIKE, A DIRTY DICK AND HE DIDN’T
DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? PRETTY MUCH. THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN,
YOU KNOW, THE COUNTRY, LIKE, LOOKING FOR FAKE FISH
IN A POOL WITH A–HIS BAMBOO ROD. WHAT–WHAT AN IDIOT. [laughs]
HE HAD EVERYTHING, RIGHT? – HMM.
– [bleep].

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