A Toast to Women Throughout History – Drunk History


There is a nineteen year
old girl, Mary Phelps Jacob, setting out to go
to a debutant ball, and she is like, “Ugh,
I got this beautiful silk dress and I have to put this
dumb piece of shit on, stupid corset
with whale bone inserts. Ugh, this is so Goddamn dumb.
All right, I’m out. I’m out. I can’t take this.
Marie!”, her maid. “Marie! Get me
two handkerchiefs, some silk cording, ribbons,
and a sewing kit.” She sews together
two handkerchiefs onto herself and goes to a ball. All the girls are like, “What
is going on with you, girl? You look better
than you’ve ever looked.” And she says,
“Yeah, I just made this (bleep) out of some
handkerchiefs.” The girls go crazy,
and she’s like, “My boobles are free to roam.” And they all say, “I want one.”
“I want one.” “I want one.” “All right, whatever,
I’ll make you some. I’ll make you my new thing,
whatever, with some handkerchiefs.” Then, she gets a letter
in the mail from someone
she’s never met saying, “Hey, I’ll give you a dollar
to make me a bra.” And then she realizes,
“Oh, this could be a business.” So, she goes
to the patent office, and she said, “Hey, I’ve made
this thing. It’s a brassiere.” The patent office guy was like, “Everyone’s had boobs
for Goddamn forever, I understand that you
think you made something, but you fucking didn’t.”
And she said, “No, I did. The last piece of shit patent
flattens your tits into nothing but one boob.
Do you want one boob?” And he’s like,
“I don’t, I can’t even, I don’t even know
if I can answer this.” “No, you want two fucking boobs.
They separate and lift. Give me the patent
for the backless brassiere.” And he says, “Yeah, okay,
all right. I’ve never seen that. I will give you a patent. Slam.” He gives her a patent. Oh, God.
I’m not gonna throw up, but I am,
I’m pretty gonzo bonzo. So she opens the Fashion
Form Brassiere Company. Meanwhile, she marries this guy,
Harry Crosby, and Harry says, “Hey, babe, because you’re gonna
be my wife, Crosby, I feel like you
should have a C name, so it’s like C Crosby,
I would really like it if you’d change your name
to clitoris.” It’s fucking true.
And she says, “What? No, I’m not gonna change
my name to clitoris.” And he’s like,
“No, it’s with a Y.” “Still, sorry,
I love you, man, honey, but not even with a Y,
will I name myself clitoris.” “What about caress?” “That’s better than clitoris.
Certainly.” He says to her, “Hey, Caress.”
She’s now Caress. “You’re kinda bored
with the bra business, and it’s not taking off. I’m kinda rich,
why don’t you just let it go?” She says, “All right. Fine.” She sells her patent to the
Warner Brothers Corset Company for fifteen hundred dollars. She’s like, “I’m out.
I’m good. Had fun.” So, wait,
I have to fast forward. I also have to pee. Which one are you
gonna do first? No, I have to pee. Okay, well, then pee. I’m gonna. In 1929,
the bra took hold. Everyone bought bras.
The corset was dead. The Warner
Brothers Corset Company makes fifteen million dollars
off of her patent alone. That’s a lot of titties. Here’s the thing
about Mary Phelps Jacob, she never give a shit.
She was like, “Oh, okay. I sold the patent.
Not gonna dwell on it. I’m gonna open
a publishing company that publishes every modern
writer known to man. Hemingway, James Joyce,
Henry Miller, Edgar Allen Poe.” There’s so many more.
Someone look it up on an iPhone. You’ll see.
Then, was writing pornography. For money.
And she was great at it. And at the end of her life,
somebody asked her about like, “Hey, who invented something?”
And she was like, “Yeah, yeah. My invention, it wouldn’t
take the place in history of something like the steamboat,
but yeah, I invented the bra. The bra is kind of
a big fucking deal. No one gives a shit
about a steamboat. Do you know anyone
who doesn’t have a bra?” Okay, so the story,
we start in 1915. Yes, in Chicago. Bessie Coleman,
she’s twenty-three years old. She’s a young thing.
She’s a manicurist in Chicago, and she is the best.
Hands down, the best. She’s doing the nails
of the upper crust, elite,
black people in Chicago. And all the right
people are like, “Hey girl, hey.
Do my nails, girl.” And she’s like,
“Okay, girl, I got you.” And they’re like, “Girl.” While she’s there, she’s reading
the Chicago Defender, which is a black
owned newspaper. She’s reading about World
War One and what’s happening. So, she’s like,
“Yo, one day I hope I get to be like
a motherfucking pilot.” People at the nail shop,
the people are like, “Girl, you wildin’ out.” She’s like, “No, I’m gonna be
a fucking pilot. Relax.” And she says to herself,
she’s like, “Self, I’m not dumb. I know that I have to like train and go to school
to become a pilot.” So, she’s applying
to aviation schools and she’s being rejected
left and right, because of nothing besides
the fact that she’s a black woman.
She’s black and Cherokee. If this was a drink
of Hater-ade, their glass was full
and they were like, “Hating.” That was them. And she’s like, “Yo, fuck each
and every one of you.” And she’s like, “Fine, like,
whatever, like, you said no, but I’m gonna keep saving
my money.” Then she meets Robert S. Abbott, and he is the owner,
it turns out to be, of a, duh ta da,
Chicago Defender. And he’s like, “Hey, girl.” And she’s like,
“I love your paper. Your paper inspired me to even
want to be a fucking pilot. I really wanna fly, however,
I’m having trouble getting into
aviation school in America. America is not having me because
I’m black and I’m a woman.” [(burp) 00:06:35]
Excuse me. So, Robert’s like, “Yo, you’re
[inaudible 00:06:38] out if you think you gonna be
a part of America right now, because it’s not gonna happen.” And he was like, “My advice
to you would be to go to Europe. Go to France,
you have a better chance there.” And he was like,
“If you go there, I’m gonna also sell some papers
talking about you in my paper. If you go and really do this, I will not only pay for you
to get to France, bitch, I will pay for your entire
schooling. Boom.” So, she was like, “Fantastical.” So, she took him up on his offer
and she applied and got accepted to the most elite
French school for aviation. Bessie’s like,
“Holler at me, bitch. I’m at Cardeau du Crotoy.” Aviation was a scary thing
back in the day. Planes were like,
“Girl, we don’t have seat belts. Girl, we don’t have seats. Girl, we don’t have leather
and we don’t have cup holders.” So, Bessie was learning
how to fly in France. People were flying
with the assumption that they would be okay,
but no [inaudible 00:07:39]
safe. No what? No security that
they would be safe. They were like, “My legs is out
the bottom, Flintstone style.” They’re like,
“[inaudible 00:07:51].” Because a lot of people
died in France. [inaudible 00:08:03]
and then they was dead. But as she was watching
people die, she stressed out, but she gets her international
piloting license in seven months, which, by the way,
I will say for her, she was the first female
American to get this and it’s extra explosive
because she was black. Boom. Our story begins
in the year 1963. Gloria Steinem was a graduate
of Smith College. Very smart, she’s twenty-eight
years old and she’s journalist. And Show magazine was like,
“Hey, Gloria, we have a story for you.
We want you to go undercover at one of
Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Clubs.” Playboy Clubs were advertising
themselves at the time as being in a real life
version of Playboy. They would have
beautiful women everywhere and drinks and food
and dude stuff. Yeah. Boobies and vaginas.
And Gloria was like, “I don’t think
this is what I want. I want people
to take me seriously.” And her editor was like, “I think this could be
your chance to call Hugh Hefner out on his Goddamn bullshit.” And she was like, “You’re right.
I’m in. Lets fucking do it.” What was I talking about? So, she says yes to thing,
to the assignment. So, she goes to the audition,
which is at a Playboy Club. She’s this alias
she’s created for herself, which is Marie Catherine Oakes, and the woman
that she goes up to says, “Take off your coat,
let me see your body.” Gloria was like, “Um, okay.”
And took her coat off. The woman was like, “You look
a little old for twenty-four. But your body’s great. Come back on Saturday
for a fitting.” So, Gloria comes back
a couple days later. She sees this woman
named Sheralee, she’s like, “I’m the Bunny Mother.”
She goes and she gets sized. She puts on this leotard
and she’s like, “This fits.” And they’re like,
“No, it doesn’t.” And they keep going in and in,
and Gloria’s like, “I think that’s tight enough,
I can hardly breathe.” You okay? An ice cube just assaulted me. You got ice-est. So, the Bunny Mother, Sheralee,
is explaining to the bunnies, “There’s all these things
that they can take your money away for. Like, if your ears are on
crooked, that’s a demerit. If your bunny tail’s dirty,
that demerits. If you’re not smiling enough,
that’s a bunch of demerits.” They also give her
this Bunny Manual, which is a list of all the rules
that you have to follow. In the Bunny Manual,
it says, “You’re not allowed
to date any customers.” Then they were told, “Unless
they hold the special key.” The special key members
were allowed to do whatever they want.
“Eww. That’s fucked up.” Anyway, so, they’re like, “Great, you’re all set,
you’re gonna start work soon, we just need you
to complete your physical.” And Gloria’s like,
“What do you mean? I’m gonna be a waitress.”
“Oh, we just need you to complete a physical
with this doctor and then you’ll
be fine to start.” That’s gross. Yeah. That’s just gross.
So, she goes to the doctor. She sits on the table
and she sees there’s stirrups. And a doctor walks in and the
first thing he says to her is, “So, you wanna be a bunny?”,
which is alarming as a doctor. He exams her, which to a woman
means, you know. Pat smear? Did you say pap, pat schmear? I never had one. It’s not a bagel, Derek.
It’s a – I’m from New York
[crosstalk 00:11:45]. [crosstalk 00:11:45]
pap schmear. So, she finishes the exam, and she goes the next day
to train for this job. That’s a fancy word for, “You’re gonna work
and not get paid any money.” She’s training as a Table Bunny.
They teach her that she just has to follow
the other bunny servers around. She’s going around
asking these people like, “Hello, I’m Bunny Marie,
what can I get for you?” And they would say things like,
“Yeah, girl, let me see your titties.
Open it up.” Which is bullshit. She’s working all these shifts,
and she’s like, in her journal, she’s writing
all these injustices. They’re working
these long hours, they’re not making any money. On top of that, it’s basically
a prostitution ring, and after working in the
Playboy Clubs for four weeks, Gloria was like, “Fuck this shit,
I have enough in my journal, I’m gonna publish this shit.
I’m out.” It’s just all this stupid,
sexist, dumb ass bullshit. She just wanted
to get the fuck out. So, she quit. Gloria writes an expose
on these Playboy Clubs. She’s like, “These women
were not making as much money as they told
they were gonna make, it’s insane hours, they’re being
grabbed all the time, they’re treated
like prostitutes. They’re basically
being used as a tool for the male
sexual revolution. But, the women themselves don’t
get to own their sexuality. That’s shitty. They publish the story
in the magazine. The world reads this article,
and to his very tiny credit, Hugh Hefner says,
Wow. Yeah, maybe they won’t
have to go to these physical exams anymore,
and you know what, I’m gonna stop making them
have to give so much of their money to us
if they make a mistake.” Which is a really cool thing
that Hugh Hefner did, but also, not as cool as always
treating them that way. This article made Gloria Steinem
a household name. She went on to be
this huge feminist icon. It’s tough, but I swear to God, if it weren’t
for Gloria Steinem, I wouldn’t be able to be on TV. It’s very hard to be a woman
that’s like, “I love sports.” And you have stuck to your guns
ever since you started and that is what
– You cried. I’m sorry. Can I get somebody else
to do this?

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