A BRIEF HISTORY OF INTERNET (From the Big Bang to Assholes)


Packets of information suddenly
expanding in networks like an explosion still contained in
universities and laboratories it was a primeval phase where all
matter was dense hot and still very speculative. In only a few decades the networks
while accelerating cooled down and stabilized enough to start
expanding throughout the world still formless and chaotic though these were the dark ages of this new
universe. A slow period nerdiness grey areas and questionable content.
Besides the Geocities homepages and the pixelated porn, internet was
above all a place to see the shit you couldn’t see on TV dead bodies on rotten.com, weird
porn on Stileproject seeing the goatse from the first time
like losing a mental virginity and most of us were not even 18. It
was juvenile, offensive and alarming and that was the point. And then we were stealing music on Napster having flamewars on Usenet, building hate machines on 4chan, making fun of the
Star Wars kid making fun of everything. That was the point. Still expanding
at an increasing rate it was only a matter of time before the
temperature became low enough the structures stable enough, before the
Internet became fit for human habitation This is how the dark ages ended: when the network became social. But civilization did not take over and
replace the big carnival of chaos. Both sides are there, tangling up.
The internet was simply completed Enter: the assholes assholes are extremely massive objects
you can find almost everywhere and like to be the center of everything.
they are by definition where the Sun don’t shine. Their symbol is the snowflake which kinda looks like
an asshole if you squint. Internet is composed
of lots of different users doing lots of different things good or
bad, having lots have different opinions good or bad, among them these mysterious
giants came recently in the spotlight as their singularity completely
baffled the scientific community most notably because of their capacity
to take the internet as serious business their ability to spread their shit
relentlessly and their disturbing gravitational forces so gigantic they can capture everything that gets in their
way They most likely appeared during the
Dark Ages in their primitive form. Back then you
could already speak out your opinion on any subject even if your opinion was wrong, stupid,
delusional, extremist, hypocritical, hateful, or self-interested. but the device was still a mere soapbox.
so you often remained nothing more than the village idiot creepy and unintentionally funny.
through social media the village idiots of every village are now able to unite and organize find a wide audience and make a living
from Patreon Logically, assholes should obey the
regular laws of physics most particularly Newton’s Third Law In practice it should look like this: This way we could have endless debates
no matter how unnecessary Which is okay because debate is the
prize of civilization and sometimes it’s even entertaining
remember how it always happened throughout
history: for every Galileo there was a Roman Inquisition. For every
scientist there is a halfwit. For every
entertainer there is a liar. For every cool guy there
is a selfish prick. For every comedian there is a scary
clown. And for every atheist there is a banana.
But it’s been observed many times assholes can bypass all this thanks to
one characteristic they are highly marketable. Mainstream media loves them and cover their ideas because clickbait sells and because their apparent positivity
and activism are as unifying as any other tearjerker disguised as news It’s righteous, harmless, easy to
explain and looks good on TV. The exact opposite
the rest of the Internet a cesspit or immorality and dark urges that could only be justified by
admitting we are all perverts anyway that would make some great headline,
right? let’s be honest here: okay okay guys listen up One other characteristic discovered
recently: assholes distort space and time. Even when using the always reliable
technique of “expose & debunk” against them, they still manage
to appear as the victims And every time they are victimized, they gain in
invisibility and popularity They even learned how to take advantage of
it. All these phenomenons are creating an
asymmetry inside the modern Internet. And if we
look into the possible futures we have the pessimistic one: where the
circlejerking of the assholes will gain so much support from external forces (mainstream media, celebrities…) they will ultimately form supermassive assholes so heavy they would completely reshape
the universe into something really shitty. But the long-term influence of the assholes
is something yet to be verified. That’s the optimistic future: the one where the Thought Police is not at your door. So: Don’t panic! Because three things: Number 1: fads. Number 2: infighting. Number 3: always always, always keep in mind the internet
is made of Schrödinger’s cats. It is a multiverse.

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