– Last things I was (scoffs). Hydrocele testicles. ‘Cause my friend didn’t believe me how large your testicles can actually get. (upbeat electronic music) – Last thing I searched–
– Like, like what, like? Like, searched, like–
– It’s not porn. (laughs) – Yeah, I search all my
porn in the incognito mode. – Don’t judge me. – Last thing I searched. – Vocabulary is always on
my fucking search list. – What is the origin of the word dyke? – The definition of aura. – I Wikipedia-ed absurdism ’cause I was using it in a sentence and I wanted to make sure
I wasn’t fucking stupid. – The word campy. – A nomado tractometer. – Ah, the Megalodon. – I just wanted to know what
perplexing Pegasus meant. – I searched Urban Dictionary for the definition of cuckolding. – Last thing I searched was– – Neon orange spandex bodysuit. – Volume mascara. – Hyaluronic acid. – Halloween.
– Animatronic. – Mold test kit. – Some area rugs. – A camera.
– Grocery stores. – The pattern for the rug in The Shining. – Kit of sex toys. (laughs) For $20. – I was looking up
answers for my math class. – School. – Econ class. – Make 24 air superiority fighters. – So it’s just me cheating
on my crossword puzzle. – Sad, beautiful, tragic chords. – Okay, listen, I looked
up how to kill someone and get away with it, but it wasn’t like, so it wasn’t really like I
was planning on doing it, but I was just curious, like, what is the definition of
getting away with murder? I mean, not even in
case, but just because. – I searched a new rat. So there’s this new rat
that’s like 10 pounds. – A giant horse lamp (laughs). That’s as big as an actual horse with just a little lamp on his head. – How do you cut off a friend? I did. – There’s a lot of personal ads. – Kinky geisha young slut. – Solos on Pornhub. – Pornhub.
– Pornhub. – My FetLife. It’s almost like Facebook
for people who are into BDSM. (sighs) – Match.com. No, I haven’t met anybody. – The last thing I searched
was the ferry schedule. – And transportation. – What’s the weather? – A barber shop this morning,
I got my hair cut on. – Massage near me. I’m trying to get my wife a day spa trip. – Kenmore dishwasher not draining. – Dishwasher instructions. I have a blind neighbor and
I was trying to help him out with his dishwasher yesterday. – Michael Jackson’s resting place. – Pizza Hut phone number. – Jack in the Box phone number. – Domino’s a lot. – French macaroon. – One pot lasagna. – Wedding reception venues. – How to cook chicken in the oven. – I was thinking about cake. – Cannabis. – I didn’t know that Beethoven was deaf. – Can dogs eat–
– Steel toe boot. – In South Carolina. – How does money laundering–
– Get rid of– – Period cramps. – I was searching for Donald Trump. – Anal bleaching guide 2017. – I guess I looked up terrorist. – I wanted to see if Stephen Paddock was classified as a terrorist. – Jobs in Seattle. – Job searching. – Translating pesos to dollars. – A modeling agency. – Sam Smith. – A World of Ice and Fire. – Harry Potter quotes. He says the nicest shit. – I have a lot of ESPN
and fantasy football. – 33 sexy club outfits for a night out. – Beer tasting event. – I looked up Kylie–
– Kardashian. – Baby weight nightmare. – Chainsmokers. – The last Ellen Page movie. – Fast and Furious 9. – Rick and Morty.
– Chasing the Dragon. – Nobel prize winners in psychology. – Mariah Carey. – Penelope Cruz. – A Dave Matthews song. – Bugs Bunny and Lola Bunny. They couple goals, man. (laughs) – Charlie Hunnam. – I’m a real nerd, so I
was looking up Teen Titans. – Marilyn Manson.
– Bernie Sanders. – Tech N9ne.
– Tickets to see Mike Birbiglia. – I googled myself. Is that weird? (laughs)